Another brutal August is upon us. None of us really know anything (except for the basketball guy) as evidenced by last year’s predictions but here’s our best or most entertaining guesses at what lies in store for us this year anyway. Bon apetit. Presented first in table form and then with supporting arguments.
|Lucas Jackson||11-2||Cotton||TCU (W)|
|Shooter Flatch||10-3||Outback||Ohio State (L)|
|thacktor||9-4||Texas||Mississippi State (L)|
|stringsays||9-4||Outback||Michigan State (L)|
|ActuallyBrandon||8-5||Texas||Oklahoma State (W)|
|Dr. Norris Camacho||7-6||TaxSlayer||Minnesota (L)|
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
Season record 11-2
Bowl game: Cotton
Aggies start out on the right foot with a nice 31-17 win over UCLA, Sumlin’s biggest win at home to date. Nothing comes easy, as A&M drops a squeaker on the road at Auburn as the offense continues to gel. A&M gets another solid win at home over Tennessee at night in front of a full house, but turns around and falls to Alabama by 10. Sitting at 5-2 (3-2) in late October, the heat continues to build. However, Keith Ford emerges as a reliable option at RB, and Trevor Knight makes up for a leaky o-line by making plays with his feet, and Aggies finally see the Wrecking Crew return as A&M picks up a huge win over fading Ole Miss at home, setting up a Turkey Day Throwdown with LSU for a New Years Six bowl game. This time A&M seals the deal, with Daylon Mack and Co. stuffing Leonard Fournette three straight times on the goal line with less than a minute to go. Cotton rains at Kyle again. A&M picks up a bowl win against Kenny Hill and TCU to cap off the year.
I’m sorry….I blacked out. Where am I?
Record - 10-3
Bowl Prediction - Loss to Ohio State in the Outback Bowl
While the QB position will be drama-free, the season itself will be wild ass. Six of our ten wins will be 6 points or less. We finally lose in OT to Arkansas, and drop a close game in Tuscaloosa. Watch for 4th quarter comeback wins against Tennessee and LSU. This team isn't built to dominate, but we're good enough to hang with anyone, and lady luck rolls our way in a couple of key moments. Despite a bowl loss to Ohio State, Sumlin signs a top 5 recruiting class and the "Trust in Sumlin" train keeps rolling down the tracks.
THAT GUY WHO LOVES THE BIG 12-2-2+0+2 BDF LOL
One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
—Hunter S. Thompson
Season Record 9-4
Bowl Prediction - Ags lose to Mississippi State in the Texas Bowl
A&M enters the season with Sumlin on the proverbial "hot seat". After breezing through a non-conference schedule of TCU, Sam Houston, and Rice, the Ags slip up on the road at Lubbock (as usual). Despite rolling over Baylor, Okie State, Kansas, and the rest of the lower tier of the Big 12, they drop back to back games versus OU and Nebraska. But somehow manage to rebound in Austin on Thanksgiving night and hand the Longhorns a 12-9 loss on four turnovers from the horns. Bizarre night that started with Sumlin challenging Charlie Strong to an arm-wrestling contest before the coin flip. Unfortunately despite the rivalry win, rumors of a pay-for-insider-information Snap-Chat series ultimately cost Sumlin his job.
PROGRESSION TO THE MEAN
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Texas Bowl vs. Baylor (W)
How do you make an Aggie stew? Something savory and satisfying - not mediocre swill from Blue Baker.
First, you'll need ingredients. Take 12 pounds of cubed, blind hubris. Add 2 wins in games you shouldn't win. Add in 2 bad losses for balance. Add 100,000 gallons of fan undercarriage sweat. Dice up all the righteous indignation you have. Add in Arkansas hog stock (BEWARE: food poisoning likely). Dice up onions for tears. Add lots of cold hooch - for tears and cheers. Cook it all in a big pot (Kyle Field) over a hot seat to be served in a bowl (Texas) with some conveniently gracious, doltishly corrupt, perpetually annoying family members (Baylor). Rage, to taste.
8-4 regular season (4-4 SEC)
Belk Bowl vs Pitt. W
9-4 on season
The season will start off hot once again for the Aggies behind a salty defense with serviceable Linebackers. The offense is more consistent and has an identity, unlike the 2015 squad; however, the OLine is not quite capable to get the job done this season. Losses are to Alabama, Ole Miss, LSU, and one of Tennessee or Arkansas. This year will feel different as there will not be a mid season melt down, and no QBs transfer out.
Bowl: A&M beats Texas in Texas Bowl
After months of the blueballingest flirtations of playing A&M (Prairie View), UT (SA), and the Aggies (NM State), the tremors from the collective release of millions of Texans during the Texas Bowl are mistaken for seismic activity in Shanghai. An emergency evacuation of the local Apple manufacturing facility leads to a shortage of the iPhone 7, which in turn means Kevin Sumlin is stuck with his glitchy old 6+ which might as well be a stone tablet. In frustration he chunks it into Fish Pond, causing it to short out and text every recruit in the country with GIS images of cash and drugs. A&M receives the death penalty for the sheer volume of recruiting violations.
Doesn't matter, beat Texas.
Outback Bowl (L) vs. Michigan State
This year is the most important one of Sumlin's tenure and it's the most difficult to project. Talent is there, schedule is incredibly tough which means that our coaches are going to have to be damn near perfect in order for us to have a good season and to be around in 2017.
I think the season starts off really well to the tune of another 5-0 start. But this 5-0 start means something because we will have beaten UCLA, Arkansas, Auburn, and South Carolina. I think we then go on a two game losing streak to Tennessee and Alabama, then rattle off three wins. We play ole miss close, but Chad Kelly pulls it off. We then finish with wins over UTSA and LSU (finally) putting us at 9-3. We match up with Michigan State in the Outback Bowl and lose going 9-4 for the year. Sumlin's job is safe but everyone's really nervous about 2017.
In the off season Jeff Banks takes a job with a pro team, and Jim Turner moonlights successfully as a wholesome family friendly comedian in Bryan/College Station. After me tweeting about not being invited to the dlinecookout in 2016, Terry Price agrees to finally extend an invite, but the entire staff gets fired after going 6-6 in 2017 thus leaving me without any BBQ. We then hire either Tom Herman or Chris Petersen to be our coach in December of 2017.
Record prediction: 9-4 (4-4)
Bowl Prediction: Texas Bowl victory over Texas (yes, really)
We'll start the season with a big win over UCLA, because that's what we do. Why anyone agrees to play us early is beyond me. I think we'll grab an ugly win at Auburn as well, but I truly believe the Arkansas dominance ends. Don't worry, though, we'll nab our biggest home win in years when undefeated Tennessee comes to town on October 8th. That puts us at 5-1 heading into the bye, and all is well.. right?
We'll slide in the latter half of the season, because that's also what we do. Our offensive line will get exposed in Alabama, and we'll come up short in one of the Mississippi games in November. And as much as I'd like to pick us to beat LSU... I can't. I can't do it until I see it happen.
A surprisingly solid year by Texas makes this bowl matchup unavoidable - both sides will get over the BS and make it happen if the horns win 7-9 games.
We'll take care of business in that game, remind ourselves that rivalries are fun, and look back fondly on a solid campaign from a much-improved team with legitimate SEC depth.
We're getting closer.
SOUTH CAROLINA (L)
NEW MEXICO (W)
MISSISSIPPI STATE (L)
OLE MISS (W)
Final Record: 7-5
Bowl Game Prediction: Texas Bowl, against Oklahoma State (W)
End of Season: 8-5
I'm a bad Ag, OK? Every year, y'all pull the same stunt and try to get my hopes up and then every year I realize pretty quickly why I don't trust people. A&M will never string more than two wins in a row together (including a loss at Auburn following another beginning of season build-up after we trounce UCLA.) Let the hate mail flow but my BAS is strong. At least we beat the Big 12 in the bowl game.
Texas Bowl (W) vs. Texas
I've gone with blatant optimism going on three years now, predicting 10+ wins in 2013, 2014 and 2015. We see how that worked out, so let's go the other way. The Ags buck their recent trend by losing their season opener to UCLA, then get a seemingly good win at Auburn before finally finding a way to lose to Arkansas. A&M manages to get wins against Tennessee and Mississippi State, but lose at Alabama and at home against Ole Miss and LSU (sigh). Sitting at 7-5, fans have their pitchforks sharpened and torches lit, ready to call for Sumlin's head...then the bowl matchup is announced. The Ags will travel to Houston to play in the Advocare V100 Texas Bowl against Charlie Strong and the 6-6 Longhorns. Sumlin receives a stay of execution, with the fate of his job resting on beating Texas. An inspired A&M squad dominates from the outset, and A&M beats Texas by double digits. 8-5 never felt so good, and Kevin Sumlin stays in College Station.
But his soul was mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had looked within itself and, by heavens I tell you, it had gone mad.
Dr. Norris Camacho
TaxSlayer Bowl loss to Minnesota
All the hopes and dreams of the new era of non-prima-donna Aggie QBs come crashing to a halt on Labor Day weekend with the realization that the offensive line isn’t quite up to the task of protecting them against quality opponents. The opening loss to UCLA sets a dreary tone for a September that includes Auburn and Arkansas away from home. Fissures turn into cracks turn into chasms in the very demanding Aggie fanbase psyche as another rough October rolls past, and not even that feather in the cap, a win over LSU in November, can calm the pitchfork-wielding crowd. Get ready for another unbearable December full of rampant coaching speculation, swirling discontent, and overall upheaval. Eat at Arby’s.
Birmingham Bowl (L) vs. Tulsa
A&M Football will make history in 2016 by becoming the first Aggie team to make a bowl with a losing record and the first to finish with the bizarre 5-8 mark after losing to Tulsa in the Birmingham Bowl. Just think of it as losing a small fortune to a very rare hand of poker: you can still try to appreciate the phenomenon despite the crushing loss of money and spirit.