I made a mistake.
Four years ago, I got hooked on The Bachelor franchise. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. I am a sucker for all of it, filling the hole in my heart during the off-season. Lately, though, it has gotten worse ... I have been determined to make it relevant in the other aspects of my life. Like, “What if we combined The Bachelor with the Star Wars trilogy?” Or, “How would the 9 members of the Fellowship of the Ring fare as contestants on Bachelor in Paradise?”
And then my worst idea ever: “Which player on the 2016-17 Texas A&M Football roster would win The Bachelorette?”
My editors have been patient, and they have been kind. This article was slated to be published weeks ago but I had to scrap the whole thing because it turned into me ranking the Aggie Football players in order of hotness and that was a very weird moment for my fandom. Let me be clear. This is NOT a descending list of Aggie Football players in order of hotness. This is a descending list of the twelve (red-ass, right?) Aggie Football players who would do the best (and worst) on a season of The Bachelorette, pitted against each other. And I stand by it.
This took me 6 hours. When I die, bury me with a print-out of this list and scrawl “You were right, Brandon.” at the top. This is all I have to give. This is my magnum opus, my Mona Lisa, my Pulitzer-prize submission for the unpaid blogging category. This is it.
And now, here’s your host, Mr. Will Johnson.
“Thanks, Brandon. I always viewed you as a peer during the 3 years you worked as an intern in a completely separate department. Come back as a guest on any of my 10 Aggie-related web shows at any time.”
“Hi, I’m Will Johnson, host of The Bachelorette in this twisted alternate reality where 12th Man Productions runs the ABC network. Tonight is the finale of this season of The Bachelorette, and we’ve had a great line-up of contestants vying for the love of E. Queen Gill, female yell leader and this season’s Bachelorette. In no particular order (but actually in a very particular order because this is the order that they were eliminated) here they are:
12. Speedy Noil, Wide Receiver
Mr. Noil was the first contestant to make a … quick exit from the competition (notice I didn’t say “speedy” exit, but the show’s producers definitely did and that is the only reason he would get booted off the show early. Because of a forced pun. I respect it so much.)
11. Boone Niederhofer, Wide Receiver
Boone came in as a favorite to win it all. A Petroleum Engineering major, a father with a history of playing professional football, and one of the only names on the A&M roster to have a pronunciation guide next to his name on the official site … this guy had it all. But then someone Google-Image-searched his name and this t-shirt popped up (I am not making this up / I did not make this t-shirt) and he was promptly sent home.
10. Otaro Alaka, Linebacker
The first linebacker removed from the competition, Otaro had commitment issues. But we are proud of him, nonetheless.
9. Armani Watts, Defensive Back
As Armani found out the hard way, you can’t sack your way into love.
8. Edward Pope, Wide Receiver
According to the Catholic Church, Popes can’t get married. Disqualified.
7. Daylon Mack, Defensive Tackle
The Mack Truck came out strong, living up to his last name. But then tragedy struck and young Mack lost focus, leaving the show to follow his true passion: Pokemon.
6. Jeremy Tabuyo, Wide Receiver
Part of the ... charm of The Bachelorette is traveling to exotic locations every week. For Tabuyo, a man who has lived in both Hawai’i and College Station, the charm wore off quickly. He excused himself from the competition.
5. Christian Kirk, Wide Receiver
Christian had been burned before. He wouldn’t stop talking about someone named “Kyle” and did not receive a rose.
And now we reach our top four. In the world of The Bachelorette, that means that these four young men would be the recipients of what the show calls “Hometown Dates.” Our lucky contestant, Ms. E. Queen Gill, would visit each of these young men in their natural habitats which, in respective order, would be Franklin, Tennessee, San Antonio, Texas, Jurassic Park and Spring, Texas.
4. Tyrel Dodson, Linebacker
“ONLY A THREE-STAR ACCORDING TO ESPN?” E. Queen Gill was reportedly heard saying. It didn’t matter to her that Rivals had bumped him up to a 4-star.
The fanbase E. Queen Gill is fickle like that.
3. Trevor Knight, Quarterback
Trevor Knight knows the game. He’s been here before. Rumors of him and Katy Perry swirled in 2015. His role in the Duck Dynasty universe had already cemented him as Reality TV royalty. The next, obvious step was becoming the star of The Bachelor. He “loses” at the last minute, only to be brought back next season as the young quarterback looking for love. “Tough loss”, Trevor.
(But if you would honestly tell me you would not watch the next season of The Bachelor with Trevor Knight you would be lying.)
2. Myles Garrett
The Hometown Date to Jurassic Park did not end well.
1. Conner McQueen, Quarterback
Conner has it all: graduating this year with a masters degree in accounting, named to the All-SEC Community Service Team, a winning smile ... there is no better pick to be the victor this season. Conner and E. Queen McQueen live out the rest of their days in the Founder’s Suite of Kyle Field in bliss.
And Aggie Football goes 6-7 because they are unfocused. No bowl game.