SEC MEDIA DAZE 2016

We need a distraction, and that’s okay. Fortunately for us, there is an entire event taking place this week in Hoover, Alabama that was created exactly for that reason: an extravagant harrumphing of meaningless noise dressed up as football press conferences.

We don’t have boots on the ground this year, in part because Chuck threatened to expose our deepest, darkest secrets if we sent him again, but mainly because it is pointless in this era of technology in social media. Everything is regurgitated ad nauseam in real time in hundreds of different voices.

SEC Media Days is about the media. It’s a chance for them to parade the head coaches and a few players from each team in front of their dazzling panel of such stunning questions as:

Coach, tell us why [PLAYER A] is such an important part of your team?

Coach, talk about [mumbling trailing-off of incoherent patchwork thoughts]?

Coach, how much will your team miss [outstanding four-year starter who was drafted in the first round]?

Player, what do you think of [six-month old meme] [followed by self-satisfied chuckling of hilarious reporter]?

And on and on over the course of the week. Enough to set Nick Saban’s jowls a-quivering and cause Sumlin to test the tensile strength of the podium’s edge as his clench tightens on it ever so slowly. Remember, this august body of self-serious prognosticators went full hipster and picked Auburn to win the entire conference last year. Auburn finished dead last in their division.

The entire thing will air live on SEC Network if you choose to immerse yourself in this absurd circus. It does have a sort of carnivalesque appeal and is certainly entertaining to follow from a distance. Tune in for Finebaum antics, Booger taeks, and McElroy laughs, but don’t expect any meaningful football revelations. This is a mirage oasis and there are many weeks left in this desert.

Let the spectacle begin. Here’s that link if you just can’t resist it.