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Jim Turner Has Some Pants

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some big ol’ pleats-havin’ pants

pantaloons, honestly

Oh hey, it’s a photo of the old OL squad and their once and future coach, Jim Turner. Gosh, they lo-waaaaaaaaaaaa?

ENHANCE

Those... those pants... they just... it’s...

There is only one thing to be done at a moment like this. We apologize coach, you know that we love you, but it is time for...

A PANTS ROAST.

  • these pants are like cargo shorts for a funeral in Topeka, KS

  • MC Hammer thinks these pants are the wrong size

  • pants to wear while you return a 2x4 at the dang Lowe’s

  • pants from the Uncle Joey Formalwear Collection

  • “You’re gonna have no opinion about the way you look. I guarantee it.”

  • these pants double as linens on a cruise ship buffet

  • at REI these pants are sold as a wingsuit and bundled with a GoPro

  • this is what happens when you’re worried a professional tailor would cup your balls

  • these pants don’t mind Ashton Kutcher, they’re just glad Two And A Half Men is still on

  • you get a coupon for these pants at Walgreen’s when you purchase a 6 pack of Ensure

  • Jim Harbaugh thinks you should be more discerning with your pants

  • inside the hidden 5th pocket of these pants is another pair of pants

  • these pants feature “a waistband reinforced for any flip phone holster”

  • the pockets of these pants come filled with keys that you can’t remember what they go to anymore

  • these pants’ grocery list is duct tape, Schlitz, and where-are-my-damn-readers eyewear

  • the first pants in America to feature a Loose Fit Crotch

  • these are actually 5 pairs of pants come together to form pant Voltron

  • these pants come with 10 cassette tapes of Time Life Music Collections

  • Andy Rooney ass pants

  • these pants went to the casting call for Cocoon

  • these are JINCO’s grandpants

  • Bruce Banner bought these pants for economical reasons

  • dye these pants yellow and you’re Dick Tracy

  • these are Pantgea, the pre-pant before they broke up enough for everyone to have their own pair

  • these pants don’t listen to country music, but they do admit that Jeff Foxworthy is pretty dang funny

  • these pants are worried about their fiber intake

  • these pants love New Yorker cartoons

  • pants to wear while yelling at your children about their pants

  • pants to wear while your kid fixes the dang internet on the computer

  • these pants are stoked about a trip to Branson

  • Ace Ventura wore these pants to his grandson’s 1st birthday party

  • these pants liked the old Luby’s better

  • Carl Winslow goin’ to church ass pants

  • these pants are 51% cotton because that extra percent of polyester would knock the target market down one tax bracket

  • these pants come with a braided belt and a burgundy CompUServe polo shirt

  • these pants think that 30 mph is the appropriate speed regardless of the road

  • these pants come with a 3 lb bag of Werther’s

  • these pants meld seamlessly with the drivers seat of a Honda Odyssey EX

  • these pants want to know if you have anything behind your ear. are you sure? areeee you suuuuuurrrreeeee? (pants produce a nickel)

  • these pants printed your email

  • pants for yelling at a five star recruit

  • these pants require white tube socks underneath, pulled all the way up

  • these pants think you’re a respectable young man and would like to know if you would respectfully court their daughter

  • these pants come pre-stained with Cracker Barrel gravy

  • pants are available in khaki, tan, beige, camel, sandstone, and light brown

  • Raiders of the Lost Ark ends with a scene of these pants being stored in Men’s Wearhouse’s secret underground vault

  • these pants make a mean potato salad

  • these pants have had Caps Lock on since 1997

  • Eminem wore these pants for a month and grew a goatee, lost half his hair, and gained 35 lbs

  • these pants come with an app that reminds you to put them in the dirty laundry hamper every 100 hours of wear

  • if you get the 7 year warranty on these pants it’s a better value than the 3 year one

  • these pants had a wonderful time in Alaska

  • these pants don’t care if you have your license, you can’t borrow the Camry until you let them show you how to change a tire

  • “Hi hungry, I’m pants.”