As you may have heard, cuppycup and I will soon be joining many of our other contributors in parenthood (not together, although he does have kind eyes) and basically GBH is turning into a Facebook-driven daddy blog. With that in mind, it's time to fire up the Target and Amazon registry gun and figure out what kind of loot we can score out of this deal.
HOODED JACKET INFANT SET
It's important to put your child on a path to greatness at an early age, and this outfit guarantees that they will grow up to be either a Fightin' Texas Aggie or a low-level enforcer for the Russian mafia. Either way they will require extensive understanding of concealed firearms and a taste for soul-crushing architecture.
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: 2002 Power Wheels Mercedes C-Class (Maroon)
64-PIECE END ZONE SET
Perfect for the newest Aggie football fan in your family! This model of the last 20 yards of Kyle Field includes a lot of small pieces, which will help your child develop important early mental associations between the red zone and choking. On a field this size, every option is run to the short side!
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Transfer Notice Mad-Libs! Activity Book
POLKA DOT DRESS AND PANTS
This adorable outfit is coming to a Trainspotting hallucination near you. Someone - presumably King Solomon the wise - decided that this perfectly normal outfit would be best sold by demonstrating how it would appear on one half of a baby. Then they took that severed torso and placed it on the creepy guest bed in your grandmother's house. SOLD!
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Cross and Holy Water Gift Basket
MAROON DENIM SHORT OVERALLS
You can do whatever you want after you're kicked out of the house the day after your 18th birthday, but as long as you live under my roof you won't be wearing overalls to a game, dammit!
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: EZ-Kennel Travel Dog Crate, Large
CAMO ONE-PIECE SET
I haven't read a lot of those parenting books, but if I know by assumption one thing it's that babies love hunting. Freezing cold weather, darkness, and complete and utter silence broken only occasionally by percussive sound waves capable of disintegrating a developing eardrum. Your baby will also at some point probably urinate on itself, and while that's technically only effective if you use female deer urine you gotta admire them getting in the spirit.
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Baby's First Open-Carry Holster
AGGIE BABY BODYSUIT
And depending on how much Jager and cheese fries they had at Northgate earlier, some college students also shit their pants in Kyle Field.
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Go The F--k To Sleep
I don't get it, I mean either of these wouldn't make sense without the other why would we put one of these on our babOH GOD THEY'RE FOR TWINS HOLY SHIT WHAT IF WE'RE HAVING TWINS I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS I'M GOING OUT FOR CIGARETTES
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Popov Vodka 1.75 L (pack of 4)
2-IN-1 PREMIUM HIGH BACK BOOSTER SEAT
What the hell is this? Get on the wood, kid. You don't sit in this house until you have a degree and a ring, understand?
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Nike Toddler Air Zoom Pegasus - Maroon & White
BURP CLOTH AND BIB SET
It's important to include your child in the activities you love. Not only does watching college football with your child create important bonding time, but it is also an opportunity to teach them valuable lessons about teamwork, sportsmanship, hard work, swearing, how to fix a shattered remote, and not telling mommy about the hole in the drywall.
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Texas Longhorn Cloth Diapers (12 pack)
HOUSE DIVIDED BURP CLOTH
Use this burp cloth to teach your baby that they are free to make whatever decision they want to with their own life if it makes them happy. It will also provide important background information to them on why mommy and daddy both love you very much even though they don't live together anymore and the court says daddy can only see you every other weekend and a man from the state has to come with you to get ice cream and of course you can get sprinkles but only maroon that bitch doesn't get to decide everything in your life you're my kid too dammit what you don't have maroon then fine red and brown to match the inside of her heart.
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: as many toys as it takes to make them the favorite
TIE-DYED TEXAS A&M T-SHIRT
Your kids are never too young to start getting mixed messages.
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: 100% Hemp Reveille Plush Doll
BABY FOOTBALL BODYSUIT AND FOOTBALL CAP
All joking and snark aside, I am dressing my baby like a football. My wife knows this and loves me anyway.
People Who Bought This Also Purchased: Kicker's Tee High Chair