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Things Aggie Internetters Love

There's some guy named Clayton somewhere right now willing and ready to police your life choices all in the name of gig 'em.

By Jimmy Gardner, Wes Davis, and Rush Roberts

You know them. They express their extreme, irrefutable positions on anything from Star Wars to politics to Aggie football with the heat of a thousand maroon-hot suns. They will digitally chop you at the knees from the comfort of their grease-stained sweatpants in their Energy Corridor loft. They're most happy when they're completely miserable.

They're the Aggie Internetters. Also known as: #AggieTwitter, ExTags, Clayton Heldenfels XIIII, and the Classturbationers.

This is what Aggie Internetters love:

  1. Telling graduates of Texas A&M that they are not "True Aggies"

  2. Insisting that ESPN - an entity that contributes millions to A&M’s bottom line annually - is conspiring against A&M because it’s run by Longhorns

  3. Bemoaning the tragedy that there isn’t a true southern Trump

  4. Paying $12.99 per month for information that is free at best and comically wrong at worst

  5. Paying $25.00 per month to interact with the only other humans on earth that find them tolerable

  6. Firings: everyone should be fired

  7. Starting digital witch hunts to ruin the lives of strangers who dare not join Aggy groupthink

  8. Only having three emotions - insecurity, indignation, and ludicrous entitlement

  9. Telling everyone how much they don’t care about t.u. anymore. Every hour of every day.

  10. Making up General Patton quotes

  11. Finding life’s purpose and meaning in helping A&M win meaningless, rigged internet polls.

  12. Bragging about winning said polls ad nauseum on social media

  13. Aggieland Outfitters meme shirts

  14. Business casual: A&M Columbia fishing shirt.

  15. Formal attire: A&M OFFICIAL coaches’ shirt

  16. Casual attire: 1998 Big 12 Champs T-shirt and Jorts

  17. Having class

  18. Advertising said class

  19. Pointing out classless behavior both in and outside of the Aggie Community

  20. Giving Twitter Ted Talks on Class

  21. Getting in fights with national sportswriters on Twitter who "have it out" for A&M

  22. Anchorman quotes

  23. Judging people's’ beer choice

  24. "Thanks and gig ‘em" after making a ridiculous claim

  25. Telling you the starting salary of Aggie engineers

  26. Game of Thrones memes

  27. Clay Travis

  28. Being from Plano and defending Dallas

  29. Being from Cypress and defending Houston

  30. Mansplaining

  31. Pretending to know a "Big Money Ag"

  32. Old Army, whatever the fuck that means to any specific class year

  33. Blaming the Cleveland Browns for all of Manziel’s problems

  34. Claiming Drake as their "black friend"

  35. Talking at high school athletes on Twitter

  36. Anything Benjamin Knox does

  38. Waiting in line for food from Olive Garden or Cheddar’s

  39. Fights in the comments of Facebook

  40. Tom Berenger as Paul "Bear" Bryant

  41. A Twitter bio that includes: a bible verse. A photo of a gun over a field of blue bonnets.

  42. (other things for that profile include husband/wife, Christ-follower, Mother/father, sinner, republican, and anything anti-Obama)

  43. Northgate (Dixie Chicken only)

  44. Being victims

  45. Biblical quotations that justify their hatred for a school in Austin

  46. Gay jokes

  47. Pretending to listen to Lyle Lovett

  48. Saying that the Pizza guy "went to Tech"

  49. Saying that their Mechanic "went to Tech"

  50. Saying that their housekeeper "went to Tech"

  51. Jaxon Appel

  52. Getting remarkably offended in a blindingly obvious hypocritical manner

  53. One sentence paragraphs, like this one.

  54. #WellActually'ing respected college football journalists despite never watching any team other than the Aggies.

  55. Abusing government resources for unnecessary FOIA requests

  56. Knowing how to gather the funds and execute an easy $20 million coaching buyout

  57. Knowing how to replace the fired coach with Urban Meyer immediately

  58. Cargo shorts

  59. Ted Cruz’s social skills

  60. Telling you your favorite BBQ spot sucks

  61. Call of Duty headsets

  62. Telling you they got into an Ivy League school but chose A&M

  63. Laughing at the A&M Chancellor’s jokes about the University of Texas

  64. Having staunch opinions on cheerleaders

  65. Themselves

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