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March Badness: Everybody Loves An Upset

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The reason all 1-4 seeded teams will lose this year. Be the genius of your office pool.

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Everybody wants to be the guy at the office that gets to say "Hey, I picked that 14 seed to win in my bracket!!".  I don't know why.  Maybe its because we all secretly love underdogs.  Or maybe we just enjoy making other people think we have superior sports knowledge, even though that's usually far from reality.  So I'm here to help.  Here's why all 16 of the highest seeds in this year's bracket will lose.

The 1's:

Kansas vs Austin Peay - Kansas is to college hoops, what Florida State is to college football.  Their fans are typically unbearable smug assholes that walk around with an air of superiority, despite the fact that both programs only have 3 national championships in their respective sports.  Plus, piss jokes for the 16 seed here.

North Carolina vs FGCU/Fairleigh Dickinson - It doesn't matter which team the Tar Heels face, they're going down.  Primarily because head coach Roy Williams is really just Huckleberry Hound.

Virginia vs Hampton - Did you know Hampton University isn't located in the Hampton's?  Virginia doesn't know that either.  So they're expecting a bunch of scotch-soaked 63 year old investment bankers from NYC.  They'll never know what him them.

Oregon vs Holy Cross/Southern - Oregon will have to play on a regular court, instead of the tie-dyed Pacific Northwest cult arena they're used to.  Phil Knight was trippin' on peyote buttons when he signed off on that thing.

The 2's:

Villanova vs UNC Asheville - Asheville is where the Tar Heels send all their best recruits that couldn't qualify academically.  (HAHA!  Just kidding, there is no such thing!)  These are actually the kids that want to play basketball in North Carolina AND attend classes.  Smarter kids win out here.

Xavier vs Weber State - The fine folks at Weber State invented the all time great portable hamburger grill for tailgating, the Lil Smokey Joe. Hamburgers are MURICAN.  Xavier sounds European to me.  These colors don't run!

Michigan State vs Middle Tennessee - We all know what happened to Sparty the last time they played a team from the south during the postseason.

OU vs CSU Bakersfield - Sooners vs Roadrunners.  Our childhoods taught us not to go against the roadrunners.  MEEP MEEP.  Also, have you ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

The 3's:

Miami vs Buffalo - I just want these two fanbases to discuss life at their respective campuses. Coral Gables vs a snow storm in a rust belt city. "Yeah, last weekend I cruised over to South Beach to check out the bikinis on the beach and play a little sand volleyball. "  "Yeah, well I ate a potato and dug my Ford Pinto out of 4 feet of snow."  Miami deserves bad karma in this one.

West Virginia vs SFA - The Mountaineer mascot and Lumberjack mascot should get together and star in their own Redneck Lord of the Rings trilogy.  "You have my musket!  And you have my axe! And my meth lab!"

Utah vs Fresno State - If Utah gets bounced in the first round, their fans can just go back to Salt Lake City and spend the rest of spring enjoying fresh Wasatch powder runs.  They'll be okay.  Hell, the team may throw the game just to make sure they don't miss out.  I don't trust people from Utah.

A&M vs UW Green Bay  - Because Texas will win and we will lose and they'll claim some sort of fucked-up-logic superiority over us despite our earlier head to head victory.  Believe in nothing.  Eat at Arby's.

The 4's:

California vs Hawaii - Listen, its a 9 hour flight from Honolulu to Spokane for this game.  Expect Hawaii to leave it all on the court to avoid that turnaround trip after 24 hours.

Kentucky vs Stony Brook - Kentucky is the Alabama of college basketball.  And if they are whistled for a foul, Calipari responds as if an alien with three tits just climbed out of the refs ass.  Fuck Kentucky.  Plus, Stony Brook sounds like a very nice place to buy a burial plot.

Iowa State vs Iona - They are the "Gaels" and I didn't know what that was so I had to Google it.  They're basically some sort of Irish-Scottish Celtic tribe best I can figure.  This team is basically full of Jimmy Gards and that's just more hate than anyone from Iowa can handle.

Duke vs UNC Wilmington - There are two types of people.  Those of us that hate Duke, and those of us that will learn to hate Duke.  Duke is basically Baylor, except the degree is actually worth something.  And if Coach K gets upset in the tourney again, he'll still have plenty of money to purchase another 10 gallon drum of Just For Men hair dye.