BE YOUR OWN BOSS, READ THIS BLOG
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, kiddos. The temperature’s a little colder, that holiday spirit is in the air, and we welcome the onslaught of #brand bowls for the next few weeks until the CFP happens and we ceremoniously award Alabama another trophy that will feed its ego until that ego becomes sentient and rules over us all in the 40 Years of Darkness foretold in the college football scrolls. No, it’s true. You people don’t believe in anything anymore. Well, I warned you and I’ll be the first to say “I told you so” when we’re all running gassers for Emperor Dark Lord Saban.
With the end times imminent, it’s important for each and every one of us to become financially independent so we can do all the things one needs to fall off the grid, attain a second passport for ease of travel, and move to a tropical paradise away from the tiny terror whose rings grant him all encompassing power over college football and potentially the United States of America. That’s why I’m so thankful that the Aggies are playing Kansas State in the ADVOCARE V100 Texas Bowl this year. I don’t even care about the game, I’m just smitten with the earning potential that lies ahead of me and this WONDERFUL PRODUCT LINE*!
I’d tell you all about the wonderful products in ADVOCARE’s arsenal, but where would I even begin? I mean, the results speak for themselves. All you have to do is eat better, add some exercise to your daily life, and pump yourself so full of gel caps and powdered drink mix that you have a panic attack every time you think you have to fart. If that’s all there is to fitness, consider me your personal trainer. (Takes sip of Spark® and vodka, vomits in mouth, swallows)*
But we’re not limited to that, folks. No, I can be your business partner, too! All you have to do is buy a bunch of product that you may or may not sell, and then sign up YOUR friends as coaches. That way, I make money off of you and your friends. Ain't life grand? (Pounds a SLAM®, does 30 push ups, has mild heart attack, defibs self, pops back up)*
This can work for the blog, too! See, if you forward this link to 5 friends, and they forward it to 5 more, those friends forward to 5 more and so on, not only will people in 3rd world countries realize that the Aggies are playing in the Texas bowl, they’ll also get EXPOSED TO ADVOCARE AND WE’LL HAVE CURED POVERTY AND OBESITY IN THE WORLD! EVERYONE IS THEIR OWN BOSS AND A NUTRITIONAL EXPERT, WELCOME TO UTOPIA! (Takes V16™, asexually reproduces, picks up infant clone in arms and begins feeding it Spark® in powder form)*
Why are you still reading? E-mail me right now with your ADVOCARE order and buy a super expensive gym membership. Do it. And when you’re at the gym: don’t forget your power towel.
*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. The Advocare brand name should probably just be replaced by an asterisk because I haven’t seen one product on their website that doesn’t feature three benefit statements about the product that are not followed by said asterisk. Additionally, if you’re buying supplements from your neighbor who was just laid off from a desk job and lacks a degree in kinesiology or nutrition, you’re probably getting hosed something fierce. I can’t believe that the Aggies are playing in a bowl game sponsored by a pyramid scheme, and am awaiting the time when we fans get to attend the Scientology Bowl.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
The Glimmer Twins. The brilliant technician and the humble rock star. The creative soul and the quiet grinder. This farewell tour better rock some jocks off.
"I run the zone read just as fast as I can/
'cause every coach crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man."
Last two bowl games: 16 catches, 257 yards, and a TD. Roll over and hit the ground/ don't stop spinnin' til you hit the ground, JR.
Scores a TD every third time he carries the ball. He's a lunch pail made of gritty gym rats that coach on the field the right way. Just gaze upon this beautiful stat line.
BLOCK THIS MAN, PLEASE. 16.5 TFL. 11.5 sacks. Now is the time for the Aggie OL to show some spark of cohesion with a month's extra preparation.
LITTLE WIZARD COACH
Come to Manhattan with me, bay rum pum pum pum
A wizard Coach to see, a run punt punt punt
Our JuCos we bring, pa run punt punt punt
To lay before the King, pa run punt punt punt,
run punt punt punt, run punt punt punt,
So to honor Him, I run punt punt punt,
When I come.
Oversized QB, pa run punt punt punt
I run the option too, pa run punt punt punt
I have only grit to bring, pa run punt punt punt
That's fit to give the King, pa run punt punt punt,
run punt punt punt, run punt punt punt,
Shall I play for you, coach run punt punt punt,
Me and my thumb?
Snyder nodded, pa run punt punt punt
The human cat kept time, pa run punt punt punt
I played QB for Him, pa run punt punt punt
I played my best for Him, pa run punt punt punt,
run punt punt punt, run punt punt punt,
Then He banished me, bad pun pun pun
Me and my puns.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
WELCOME TO SNYBERIA
Concrete Ditch Bayou City is just home away from home for Texas A&M. Just a 90 mile, 3 1/2 hour drive from Aggieland, the Ags are undefeated at Reliant/NRG Stadium - making them 56% more successful in that venue than the Houston Texans. Then again the Wildcats are 4-0 against teams from the Lone Star State this year because Bill Snyder won a bar bet with Santa Ana and has a napkin in his office that says he literally owns Texas.
MASTER OF THE EDGE
This week we learned that there are selfish players who would choose to abandon their team rather than play in a meaningless mid-tier bowl game. We also learned that there are selfish fans who feel that players are somehow beholden to finish a preset term of indentured servitude before moving on. Myles Garrett, on the other hand, has spent the week pleasuring the Aggie fan base while coyly refusing to announce his decision to declare for the NFL draft. He did, however, send Hue Jackson a text reading "houston means that im 1 day closer 2 u".
"Hello my friend! It has been months since we last spoke, and you've been heavy on my heart. I know you've had a rough year, and I wanted to talk to you about a way to have complete freedom from thought or choice. There's an amazing website that gives you all of the opinions you'll ever need - you'll never have to worry about human emotions again!
All you have to do is give me the money for your monthly subscription, and you'll get access to the Insider Info Starter Kit. I don't know if the information is accurate or not, but do you think all of these other people would piss away their hard earned money for a bunch of made up bullshit? Exactly!"
DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM
ST. PETERSBURG BOWL
MIAMI (OH) VS. MISSISSIPPI STATE
When it comes to thinking you're going somewhere awesome and then immediately realizing you aren't, St. Petersburg is the Miami (OH) of bowl games.
INDEPENDENCE BOWL NC STATE VS. VANDERBILT
Forget New Orleans. Attending a football game at a rickety old stadium built directly on top of the interstate that serves swill beer in tall boys and then doubling down on your sadness after your team's loss by hitting up a barely licensed casino being run out of an old houseboat is the true Louisiana experience.
BIRMINGHAM BOWL SOUTH FLORIDA VS. SOUTH CAROLINA
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer the original Christmas Carol to this shitty reboot that features two teams dealing with Ghosts Of Texas Football Past. The only thing modern Birmingham and 19th century London have in common is dental hygiene.
BELK BOWL ARKANSAS VS. #22 VIRGINIA TECH
Calling my shot: in December 2017 this game will be used as evidence that Justin Fuentes can compete against the SEC West and should be on the short list of hires for the next head coach at Texas A&M.
LIBERTY BOWL GEORGIA VS. TCU
Just when you thought the Liberty Bowl couldn't get any more 'Murica, they announce that they will make the unpaid players of these teams sit around and applaud as they give an award to the multi-millionaire executive of a company that has nothing to do with the game.
MUSIC CITY BOWL NEBRASKA VS. #21 TENNESSEE
It's really for the best that one of the most notorious internet fan bases in college football is paired off with a team whose fans pay that nice neighbor boy to fix their computer when it won't print their emails anymore.
CITRUS BOWL #20 LSU VS. #13 LOUISVILLE
Somebody at Buffalo Wild Wings is getting fired for inviting a team from a state that invented delicious chicken and another team from a state where the BWW "Blazin'" sauce would be reserved only for the elderly and the weakest of children.
TAXSLAYER BOWL GEORGIA TECH VS. KENTUCKY
[reviews last year's bowl post] [confirms joke about game being duller than taxes has been done] here this video is kinda funny
PEACH BOWL #4 WASHINGTON VS. #1 ALABAMA
Atlanta is where hopes and dreams go to die, so it is appropriate that Washington is forced to meet their fate in the Georgia Dome - a stadium Nick Saban has played and won in so often that they gave him a spare key.
OUTBACK BOWL #17 FLORIDA VS. IOWA
Rumor has it that the Hawkeyes contacted R. Bowen Loftin to write a book about Kirk Ferentz's tenure at Iowa, but he had already written The 100 Year Decision.
SUGAR BOWL #14 AUBURN VS. #7 OKLAHOMA
Big. Game. Bob.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Myles Garrett sacks everyone: the quarterback, Bill Snyder, the K-State athletic trainers, the goofy hot dog guy who does bits that everyone loves for the first quarter and then hates from that point forward, the refs, Kevin Sumlin, the Advocare CEO, the kid throwing footballs for the Dr. Pepper Scholarship, and his lunch. Everyone is sacked. On top of that, the offense starts to click and the Aggies put a cap on a rocky end of the season.
Grinder of a game. The K-State offense just grinds out the TOP and the Aggies can't get any momentum when they have the ball. 50 "comedians" start Kevin Sumlin parody Twitter accounts and every one of them follows GBH on Twitter. We enter a cold and dark off season with little optimism and I am forced to read the TexAgs politics board with Cuppycup for the next 8 months.