BOWL PREVIEWS/SCHEDULE 2016: Saturday, December 17th

Howdy. Last year, we managed to preview every single bowl game somehow, and it was fun. So we’re trying it again. If you’re one of those fussy purists who insists there are too many bowl games, please go away. If you love college football and are here to dredge up every last succulent crumb from the table, we’re your careless busboys.

THE GILDAN NEW MEXICO BOWL

by Rush

UTSA vs. New Mexico

The Lobos vs. the Roadrunners sponsored by an underwear company is the closest any game has ever come to featuring a Looney Tunes desert orgy. Bob Davie's gotten the option game so ingrained in New Mexico culture that when he takes his family skiing they're constantly whipping around each other pitching a YETI of hot chocolate while dodging little trees. But the most important thing here is that it's UTSA's first ever bowl game. They started from scratch five years ago and I went to their very first spring game, which had about all the excitement of a fifth-grade school carnival. Now they're bowling in the ABQ. It's been really cool to watch a program being built from nothing, then jettisoning the frail human booster rocket known as Larry Coker. Mrs. Camacho is a grad, and it has increased her interest in college football immeasurably. This is good for everyone. The Roadrunners have a pretty solid front seven and have played some big name programs to the wire in the past few seasons. Both coaches play no-nonsense football. Either way, we get three hours of Bob Davie faces on TV so we all win.

LAS VEGAS BOWL

by Jimmy

Houston vs. San Diego State

Gang, when two commuter schools for your dim cousins meet up in Vegas to blow their Christmas bonus from Plexus, you tune in. The closet either of these fan bases will ever get to Europe is the buffet at Caesars.

Beware of jilted, lonely Cougars back out on the prowl in Vegas. Kitten's got claws. RAWR. Folks, no one enjoys the extracurriculars of a bowl trip quite like Major Applewhite. Fortunately there are no temptations in the Vegas.

Alabama might be undefeated this year, but Las Vegas is undefeated for eternity in taking otherwise honest, simple, hardworking people and burning their lives to the ground.

Need a tip from Jimmy Guido? Pound the hell out of Houston. Lay the points.

Amateur sports!

RAYCOM MEDIA CAMELLIA BOWL

by oscarwildecat

Appalachian State vs. Toledo

Reasons to watch the Camellia Bowl, ranked:

1. You have a bit of a "wagering problem."

2. The Las Vegas Bowl, kicking off at 2:30 on ABC, has already seen Houston race out to a 52 - 6 lead in the 3rd quarter.

3. There's a 50% chance of MACTION.

4. Your particular bootlegged cable system doesn't receive CBS Sports Network, where UCF and Arkansas State also kick off at 4:30.

5. You pine for the days of late 90s Big XII basketball, where afternoon hangovers were interrupted with an unending barrage of extremely-low-definition Phillips 66 and Raycom advertisements.

6. You're related to one of the players, coaching staffs, or band members playing in the game.

7. You have a strange fascination with the Cramton Bowl, the luxurious 21,000 seat host stadium in the heart of Montgomery, Alabama.

8. You're mildly intrigued by 37 year old Toledo head coach Jason Candle and want to keep tabs on his career from afar.

That's it, that's the whole list.

In the meantime, here's Appalachian State's victory over Michigan in 2007:

The AutoNation Cure Bowl

by Chuck

Arkansas State vs. UCF

The AutoNation CureBowl is held in Orlando because of course it is. Orlando is the land of 32 year-old divorcees hoping they can drink heavily and frequently enough to die of a liver condition before the payments on their ill-advised mortgage for a house on a golf course overwhelm them completely and they are forced to cut bait for the next poor credit decision. It is also a place where you look a 6-6 AAC team straight in the eye and tell them, "You are successful. You earned a bowl." It is the setting where you come to terms with the fact that 7-5 is good enough for first place in the Sun Belt.

The gift bag for this game should just be a legally binding, mandatory lease of a 2002 Ford Explorer, because somewhere in Florida someone has somehow gotten into a contract to lease a 14 year old SUV.

No, I didn't choose this game just so I could bring that up again. I picked it because UCF head coach Scott Frost is fascinating. During his playing career this man was coached by Bill Walsh, Tom Osborne, Bill Parcells, Bill Belichik, and John Gruden. As a coach he has worked for Frank Solich, Chip Kelly, and Mark Helfrich. He was the quarterback of a national champion Nebraska squad that went undefeated and beat Peyton Manning's Volunteers in the Orange Bowl. On pedigree alone he matches any coach in the country, and in his first stint as a head coach he turned a winless team into a bowl bound team in one season (for those checking at home, that is a #DIV/0! percent improvement).

He also threw the Flea Kicker.

Watch this game so you can scout future Texas A&M Head Coach Scott Frost.

R+L CARRIERS NEW ORLEANS BOWL

by Shooter

Southern Miss vs Louisiana Lafayette

Lets just say I have some questions about this game.

- Which fan base is most likely to get completely trashed on grenades and hurricanes on Bourbon Street, piss their pants, throw up in a urinal at the Superdome, and then pass out while getting a lap dance from a stripper with an Adam's apple?

- Why is the Ragin' Cajuns’ mascot a fiery red pepper instead of this real live raging cajun?

- Why is this bowl game sponsored by a Game of Thrones fan theory?

- Which one of these 6-6 group of five teams will even give a shit about playing this game?

- Why will I have a few drinks watching the earlier bowl games and eventually talk myself into taking ULL and the 5 points?

- Will Brett Favre be the honorary captain for Southern Miss and then get handsy with some twirlers in the 3rd quarter?

- How did I watch 200+ hours of college football this year and not see a single snap of either of these teams?

- If you were given 15 guesses, would you be able to name the Southern Miss head coach?