WASH YOUR SHEETS

BY WES DAVIS

HA! I bet you didn’t think we’d be here this time last week, did ya? Woo. America’s greatest reality show delivers the drama week in and week out, does it not? Now, after losing to a BAD MSU squad last week, our Aggies are now ranked number 8, without their starting QB, and have a really difficult game ahead against Ole Miss. Who doesn’t have THEIR starting QB. And y’all are nervous, aren’t ya?

Are you expecting me to quell your nerves? I’m not here to do that. That’s not my gig. I’m usually here for yuks. Jokes. Jibes. Bon mots. Quips. Bullshittery. Alas, I’ve got nothing. Last week, I thought it was time for the Aggies to take the rubber sheets off the bed. They’re all growns up, you see? They can handle these new sheets! Who’s a big boy? YOU ARE!

Alas, no. Last week, our little Aggies managed to get their mess all over the nice new bed, and somehow inside the pillow case. How do you get it in there? That’s a Harry Potter style bedshitting, right there. Magical.

Well guess what, faithful Ags. Sometimes you shit the bed. You know what you do after shitting the bed? You wash those sheets. You proudly declare your bedshitting. You own your past. You put the clean sheets on, and announce to the world that you’re free sleeping tonight. Place your head on that sullied pillow, and knock out 12 hours with no defecation.

And that’s exactly what we’re gonna do to em, Ags. Hubenak for president. I still love this damn team and everyone who’s a part of it. Let’s go BTHO olepiss.

Aggies 52
Ole Miss 21

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BY DR NORRIS CAMACHO

OK, look. Dae Dae has had a pretty decent year. But if Myles is still a bit dinged up, we're going to need #10 to don his superhero cape and take this defensive line on his shoulders. Make some huge plays. Knock the football around. One more game-changing display of force. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

#9 was held to zero receptions last week. But he's key to this offense even when he's not getting the ball. We're going to need his experience and leadership out there with a QB situation in flux. Just like back in the day when he helped Corey Pullig adjust to being the starter.

This is going to be a test for the Maroon Goons. Saturday did not go well up front, and this week's passing game is going to need as much protection as possible to give it time to get comfortable. We need a solid game from the senior at the edge.

Will the Rebels' backup signal-caller get the call now that Chad Kelly's out? He's a big dude (6'4", 230) and can run, and we all saw how that worked out for MSU last week oh god make it stop why can't our guys tackle him make it st--

OR...will Freeze burn a redshirt on this blue-chipper in the hopes of making a bowl game this season, especially since they're under NCAA investigation and next year's bowl eligibility is up in the air? Drama!

Leads the team in TFL and sacks. Also has an interception, fumble recovery, and three forced fumbles. Probably does that shark thing with his hand on his helmet when he makes a big play or something. Cute.

QBPOCALYPSE NOW

BY DR NORRIS CAMACHO

Bright Complex... shit; I'm still only in Bright... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the practice field.

When I was home after I left Oklahoma State, it was worse.

I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my Blinn teammates, until I said "yes" to a transfer. When I was back in the big time, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the show. I'm here a week now... waiting for a start... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute the Land Shark defense studies my film, they get stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.

Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a start at Kyle Field. And for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service.

[music fades in]

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

BY CHUCKGBH

Back in my day kids were raised to respect their elders and have healthy, elastic ligaments. These dang millenials are soft and their ligaments snap like guitar strings at the first sign of impact from a 270 lb lineman. Ole Miss and A&M will be without their starting QBs, and the Aggies are missing a series of other players as well. Time for the backups to strip off their warmup pants and get to work. Oh, and Starkel - you're on notice, son.

STAY OFF THE POLLS

Kevin Sumlin admitted that maybe, just maybe, being ranked #4 on the first week of the CFP ranking was a bit of a distraction. The best thing for these guys is usually to play as an underdog, so the CFP committee has done us a favor by [checks notes]... keeping us ranked at #8? The Aggie network is deep, and more insidious than previously known.

DOUBLING WAY DOWN

Remember last week when we lost a winnable game to the last place team in the SEC West from the Magnolia State? Yeah that's totally a thing we can do again if we want. The line has been anywhere from 20, 11, or 0 points in favor of the Ags. Given the injuries and the fact that no one knows what Aggie team this is anymore, probably best to keep that velcro wallet shut.

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

BY Chuck GBH

#24 LSU AT #25 ARKANSAS

LSU's slug fest loss to the #1 team in the country last weekend dropped them 11 spots in the CFP rankings because apparently A&M has the other half of the jade amulet which the committee seeks. Bielema's Hogs have a history of gaining power the more you hit them like a Faraday flashlight. This is big boy football, and it will make you more sad about how the Aggies played against MSU last weekend.

HOTREELZ

BY CUPPYCUP

PLACE YOUR BETS

BY GBH STAFF

BEST CASE / WORST CASE

BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE

We get that Hubenak magic. Touch deep passes. Magical offensive night. The team is so looking to redeem themselves with a huge win. The defense, after a week long chewing from the Chief, comes out frothing at the mouth. The freshly burned redshirt quarterback for Ole Miss gets a warm welcome to the SEC. I calmly collect my empty Topo Chico bottles, and go on about a blissful Saturday.

WORST CASE

The bottom falls out of this thing. The team, having experienced the ultimate emotional peak and valley, just comes out flat. I won't describe it as there are likely children reading. Not knowing a good hard drug dealer, I begin huffing Pam until I pass out or have a severe spike in cholesterol that causes heart failure instantly. My dying message carved into my countertop reads, "Eat Arby's."