Happy Thanksgiving. This year we are thankful for leftovers, which are often much more satisfying than whatever it was we consumed on Thanksgiving night.
The BUTT Bowl
5 PM Friday - ESPN
Texas Tech's defense has played like butt all season, plumbing new depths in butt by allowing 44.3 points per game. That's over 6 touchdowns a game - that's real butt. But Baylor has dropped four straight games since having to play actual football team and not buttercups. Still, another win could put them in Texas Bowl country, a real headbutt to Aggie fans who may be headed that way. But maybe that's for the best, since A&M may ask their current OC to butt out and could be in the market for a sexy offensive guru who is familiar with coach Sumlin.
They should ask that guy in Lubbock. He has a nice ass.
Minnesota @ Wisconsin
2:30 CST Saturday | B1G Network
Sure you could tune into the Egg Bowl (nothing but Aggie sadness) or the Iron Bowl (spoiler alert: Alabama is going to cruise to a 31-13 finish), but I'll offer up another rivalry game to soak in on Saturday afternoon. The Battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe is peak B1G rivalry stuff. Two teams from the land of snow, ice, and heavily bearded men. How B1G is this game? The original trophy was called the "Slab of Bacon". Oh you want more B1GNESS? The Gophers have an assistant coach that ate a damn Dilly Bar on the sidelines during a snow storm. You want to know if this game means something to the players? Look at #97 in this photo from the Minnesota win in 1994. That dude is the King of the North. He walked out of that stadium, cut down a big ass tree with that big ass axe, carved it into a canoe, paddled it down a nearby river and made sweet passionate love to every beautiful maiden along the way.
Let's break this matchup down a little more...
MASCOTS: Goldy Gopher vs Bucky the Badger. Two really solid animal mascots with giant heads to provide all sorts of comedy. This matchup isn't as close as you would suspect though. Not only does Goldy Gopher show up to halftime and stiff arm and dump truck a bunch of pee-wee football kids, but he has actually won A DAMN LADDER MATCH vs Bucky the Badger. WINNER: MINNESOTA
MOST TO GAIN: With a win, Wisconsin would lock up the B1G West division, a trip to the conference championship game, with a legit shot at playing their way into the CFB playoffs with a win there. Minnesota with a win, and some help from Iowa could share in the Big Ten West title, but wouldn't hold the tiebreaker advantage to advance to the conference championship game. WINNER: WISCONSIN
REVENGE: This football series dates back to 1890 with a total of 125 matchups. The overall series record? Minnesota leads 59-58-8. That's just freaking awesome for a rivalry dating back 126 years. However, in the last 21 matchups, Wisconsin has won 19 of those, which currently includes a 12 game win streak for them. On top of that, Vegas has Wiscy favored by 14.5 in this game. WINNER: MINNESOTA
OVERALL WINNER: GOLDEN GOPHERS
Rice at Stanford?
7:00 p.m. Saturday | Pac-12 Network
These bitter nerd rivals will be battling for the first annual Platinum Code Snippet Trophy. You haven't seen this many future Oil & Gas execs hobnobbing with future Silicon Valley VC bros since the last Phi Delt national convention in Phoenix. There haven't been this many Caucasians on one football field since...well, since Iowa fans rushed the field last weekend. Smarmy, condescending rogue band-having-ass schools. Hacking into each other's wifi to flood networks with harmless spam like vindictive Yelp review-ass schools. Kids who memorize the Periodic Table at age eleven-ass schools. Announcers running rampant with lunchpail route runner gym rat coach on the field reference-ass football game. David Bailiff and David Shaw playing a nice game of chess on the sidelines-ass football game. This game got driven to the stadium in a Volvo hybrid by parents wearing Bluetooth earpieces on their way to wine country. Stanford wins by the square root of 441.