Aggies, we made it. It’s the end of the college football regular season and our newly minted rivals from Louisiana State await a date with the Aggies on Kyle Field this Thanksgiving. The Tigers roll into College Station Les-less, and are now coached by Farmer Fran from The Waterboy (h/t to Cameron for this astute observation). The Aggies, however, should be confident coming off a huge win against in-state rivals t.u.S.A this past Saturday. It’s good to see that shifting conferences doesn’t mean that we have to shed traditional rivalries.
If we’ve said it before, we’ll say it 1,000 more times: Football Is Fun. I know, you get it. But you know what else is fun? Watching football while simultaneously unhinging one’s jaw so that the fresh leftover sammich can dock with your mouth-portal and instantly release enough dopamine into your system to make you think you’re in flavor town. Scotch? Sure thing, pal. Let’s wash that 10,000 calorie air, slop, and field (turkey, brisket, and ham before you ask. Noob.) down with a few hundred fingers of Laphroaig.
At this point, the results of the game matter less and less as your overall sodium levels are starting to spike. Hard. The amount of blood pressure heighting catalysts in the room outnumber your ability to actually ingest all of them at once, so your football sensory starts to shut down. Bad plays are met with a “hmmph” or a “dammit” between swallows of cookies and pie. In your head, you’re already rehearsing your speech on New Year’s Eve. No, you’re not going to make a super public resolution, only out loud to a few close friends who know you’re about 70% full of shit. “No, it’s Thanksgiving. I’m just indulging. I mean, did you watch this season? I’m stress eating. It’ll all get better when I start running.”
So, before the bowl game Tailgate to end this season, I leave you all with this. Enjoy your time with your friends and family. Eat well. Be thankful for what you have. Hug your loved ones. Don’t stroke out during the game and BTHOlsu.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Farewell, gentle prince. We'll miss watching you single-handedly bail out the offense only to have them come out on the field and flop down another 3-and-out. Make lots of monies in the Shield League and remember us fondly.
The other half of the equation. #10 has been a steady anchor on the defensive line since before the iPhone 5S came out and Kyle Field still had rusty piss troughs. Best of luck at the next level, too.
Lord knows there have been a number of Aggie players who've perfected holding techniques this season, but #14 is the only one who does it with the blessing of the coaches and within the rules of the game. It's been a hell of a ride, and thanks for being a social media GAWD.
Look, we get it: you don't like playing on Thanksgiving. But we've both had rough seasons. Cut loose, bring some delicious fried reptiles with you, and let's have a blast enjoying the last football game of the year. Y'all are the only ones almost as crazy as us. It's the perfect family-away-from-family holiday.
Only LSU could start a Purdue transfer at QB and lose to another Purdue transfer at QB who's game rating was 2.4. Etling's season high in passing is 276, so look for that mark to fall sometime early in the 3rd quarter. Eat at Arby's.
Extremely fast off the edge, and one of the more dynamic pass rushers in the country. The good news is our tackles go up against Myles Garrett every day in practice so they'll have theoretically perfected their stealthy holding techniques by this point in the season.
DACOACHO'S THANKSGIVING RECIPE
ALETCHEW INNONNA SECRIT. DACOACHO DOAN LAHK TURKY.
TURKY TOO DRYIN BLAND FOR DACOACHO. NEED A GOOD FAT BOYD WHAT CAN UZZORB PLUNNY FLAVAH. DACOACHO LAHK TO GO RUSSLE UP NICE FAT PEACOCK WHEN PAWSIBULL. BONUS: GET THAT LOUD BOYD TO SHUDDUP! BE WAKIN' UP DA NEYBAHOOD.
FOYST, DACOACHO PLUCK N SKIN DAT LOUD BOYD, DEN BURN DA FEATHAS. DOAN WANT NO ONE POKIN' ROUND AFTAH IT. DEN MARANADE DAT FAT JUICY BOYD IN DACOACHO'S SPESHUL MIXTYAH FOAH GOOD SIX DAY. DEN BOY'DS READY FO DA COOKAZ. FLASH FRY DAT SUCKA FOR TEN-TWELVE MINITZ, THEN SLAP HER GENTLE-LIKE ON A LOW SMOKAH FOR A GOOD SOLID NIGHT AND A MORNIN'. SHE BE READY TO FALL OFFA DA BONE COME NOONTIME NEXT DAY. AN' WAH-LAHH, YOU GOTTA SUCCULENT TANKSGIVIN' BOYD AND NO ONE GONNA ASK QUESTIONS BOUT WHERE IT COME FROM. CA C'EST BON!
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Ed Orgeron had a chance to earn the permanent role of head coach at LSU, but his running back went the wrong way. Always an interim coach, never the coach. This was Coach O's 2nd straight stint as assistant-turned-interim, and now he will probably be forced to pull up stakes and find his next stop as college football's substitute teacher. Hopefully Mr. Kingsbury leaves a lesson plan.
JAGGED LITTLE PILL
Speaking of substitute teachers, did you know that the last time Texas A&M beat LSU was the year that so many Dangerous Minds were living in a Gangster's Paradise? The world was being introduced to drunken online auctioning and being denied soup. Myles Garrett wasn't alive yet. Yes, it has been a long time since we beat the Tigers, but hey, lots of old streaks are being broken lately.
Here is an official* ranking of all of the traditional** Thanksgiving foods. These are final, non-negotiable, and not up for discussion.
(* - selection committee of one) (** - traditional per my family, the only one which matters)
1. pecan pie
3. box wine
4. grandma's stuffing
5. other stuffing
6. mashed potatoes
7. green beans w/ ham bits
9. that broccoli salad that is really just a vessel for bacon pieces
10. green beans w/o ham bits
11. "well actually, technically it's dressing..."
12. pumpkin pie
DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM
Georgia plays their non-conference, in-state rival Georgia Tech on Thanksgiving week. Kentucky plays their non-conference, in-state rival Louisville on Thanksgiving week. South Carolina plays their non-conference, in-state rival Clemson on Thanksgiving week. Florida plays their non-conference, in-state rival Florida State on Thanksgiving week. Texas A&M and Texas need you to understand that it is mathematically impossible to schedule a non-conference, in-state rival on Thanksgiving week.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
The turkey turns out beautifully and everyone tells you what a masterful chef you are. There are sides coming from all angles, and you eat every single one of them. Nobody brings up the election the entire weekend. Aggies win. Pie is found to be a weight loss supplement.
There is no worst case, it's Thanksgiving.