EVENTUALLY THE SUN WILL ABSORB THE EARTH

BY WES DAVIS

Alright. So normally I come in here and attempt to be funny. Sometimes I embody a character and write from their perspective, but I scrapped that idea because I ran out of characters that relate to football pretty early on. Screw me, right? Well, in light of recent events, I come to you a Nihilist football fan. How'd I get there?

See, a couple of weeks ago we got what Tommy Callahan would call a "pretty little pet" in the form of a top 4 ranking in the CFP poll. Fans flipped shit, as they should. What a cool thing. And OF COURSE we were going to win all the games leading up to LSU. Of course we were. Look at those little Mississippi teams struggling. The Aggie bus is just gonna run them all over and we'll all eat turkey on Thanksgiving and watch the Les-less Tigers die at the hands of a playoff-bound Aggie squad.

And look! Last weekend would have served it up PERFECTLY! Numbers 2, 3 and the formerly ranked 5 then 4 Washington Huskies ALL LOST. They all lost. They lost. There, the Aggies would be cemented at a 2 or 3 ranking in the CFP with wins against Mississippi schools.

But we lost to the Mississippi schools, and life is pain. Now, we feast on Roadrunner. According to one Wile E Coyote, this is the most delicious bird in the desert. Hey, at least we're playing someone in the UT system. Keep the rivalry alive, am I right?

BTHOtusa (t.u. San Antonio before anyone gets accusatory on that)

Aggies: Points
Roadrunners: Significantly less points

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BY DR NORRIS CAMACHO

UTSA has a solid 1-2 running back attack. #88 will need to keep causing havoc in the middle to free up someone, anyone, to please make a tackle please for the love of all that's holy wrap up someone.

The San Antonio native will try to keep climbing the Aggie receiving record books. He's poised to pass Terrence Murphy for #3 all-time in yardage.

Jake rankings:
1) Hubes
2) Matthews
3) "The Snake" Roberts
4) Spoon
5) From State Farm

The scrappy walk-on from Goliad gets to live every Texas HS QB's dream: to play in front of 105,000 70,000 rabid hungover fans under the lights pale morning sun of Kyle Field.

Has three things most Ags are completely unfamiliar with: long, flowing locks, tattoos, and instinctual, hard-hitting linebacking talent.

This kid has an amazing name, wears a lineman number and hails from the tiny high school that this author tore his ACL against back in the '90s. Yippi ki yay, Mr. Falcon.

ROADRUNNER HOUSE

BY DR NORRIS CAMACHO

UTSA has just decided to start a football program. The UTSA AD is looking for a building block to build it around. He visits DALTON.

UTSA AD: I'm looking for the best.
Dalton: Larry Coker's the best.
AD: Larry Coker's old.
Dalton: He's still the best.

***

DALTON has suffered a minor shoulder injury. DOC is treating him on the sideline.

Doc: You always carry your medical records around with you?
Dalton: Saves time.
Doc: Your file says you've got a degree from Goliad High School. What in?
Dalton: Philosophy.
Doc: Any particular discipline?
Dalton: No. Not really. Man's search for faith. That sort of shit.
Doc: Come up with any answers?
Dalton: Not too many.
Doc: How's a guy like you end up a quarterback?
Dalton: Just lucky I guess.
Doc: Do you enjoy pain?
Dalton: Pain don't hurt.


***

COKER has just been let go. He's imploring DALTON to consider transferring if he gets a new coaching job.

Coker: Let's crank that thing up and head down the road. We can be gone by dawn, never see this place again.
Dalton: You can leave any time you want to.
Coker: Oh, shit, kid. You don't need this.
Dalton: Don't tell me what I need! If you want to go, go. Get the fuck out of here and leave me alone.
Coker: Yeah, you're right. I ought to stop telling you what to do. Maybe I ought to kick your ass. No, we don't wanna do this. I wanna tell you something else. You taught me as much as I ever taught you. I Iove you, "mijo."

Dalton: [resumes attacking punching bag] I'll see you.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

BY CHUCKGBH

FIRST DOWNS

The Aggies are likely to compile a dozen (or more!) of these in a single game. Tune in to check out the action!

ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE

OU DT Charles Walker declared this week that he is leaving the Sooners effective immediately to prepare for the NFL draft. This is a frightening new world indeed when a star defensive lineman who has struggled with injury all season can decide suddenly to abandon his team to focus on his NFL future.

brb gonna go mail Myles Garrett a turkey its not improper benefits if its still frozen i think

KYLE FIELD EXPANSION

The fleeting #4 ranking in the CFP was the perfect setting for a more spectacular self-defenestration by the Aggies this year, who now find themselves having dropped 21 places in two weeks. On an unrelated note, the Athletic Department would like to announce that this weekend only Kyle Field has been re-renovated to feature much greater leg and elbow room per seat and that there are definitely as many fans present as are announced on 12th Man TV.

This is a one week only offer. Should the Aggies win this weekend, seat sizes will return to their standard dimensions of 12" wide (#branding). Should the Aggies lose, Kyle Field will become the new seat of the Mays School Of Business, effective immediately.

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

BY Chuck GBH

It's the second-to-last week of the regular season, which means the SEC firing squad is taking aim on its latest batch of cupcakes.

[A&M's hand starts to shake] [A&M peers into barrel to ensure weapon is loaded] [A&M's rifle turns out to be an oversized macaroni elbow] [macaroni elbow goes off in A&M's face anyway]

Also of note, LSU and Florida will play their make-up game after the original match was delayed by weather. The two clans of swamp people were able to reach an accord... of sorts... which definitely ended with at least two bodies tossed in the Everglades and no fewer than 17 families declaring vendettas. All I know is that a hurricane hasn't vexed LSU and Florida this much since Jimmy Johnson left town.

HOTREELZ

BY CUPPYCUP

PLACE YOUR BETS

BY GBH STAFF

BEST CASE / WORST CASE

BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE

Ass whippin. A fun ass whippin, too. Lots of points, sacks, defensive scores, etc. Things that make football fans' pants dance. You know, fun shit.

WORST CASE

God never really loved you and you were predestined for Hell.