Hey, gang. We’re ripe for some chaos in college football, right? The top of the poll feels way too tidy and organized. NOTHING is tidy and organized in 2016. LET MAYHEM RULE THE DAY.
Baylor vs. Oklahoma
11:00 | ABC/ESPN2
Army vs. Notre Dame (Alamodome)
2:30 | NBC
Oh boy. Not what the Irish brass had in mind when they scheduled this one. Army is scrappy as hell and fighting to make just their second bowl appearance in 20 years. They need one more win to do it. And Notre Dame has imploded dramatically this season, sitting at 3-5. San Antone is a military city, Domers. Here are a few tips from a local on how to make the misery of losing to a service academy less painful:
SELF-LOATHING DOMER GUIDE TO SAN ANTONIO
- Be sure to stay right on the Riverwalk and eat at only the most popular restaurants. Venturing outside this safety zone will result in encounters with authentic Tex-Mex food, the spiciness of which will send your pasty, Midwestern palate into paroxysms of shock and esophageal constriction.
- Wear Hawaiian or Tommy Bahama shirts at all times. That way we'll know for certain that you are vacationing middle-managers from the Rust Belt, since your splotchy, pale complexions and obnoxious accents might not have been enough to convince us by themselves.
- San Antonio has a rich and vibrant Catholic history. Steep yourself in it by spending 5 minutes snapping pictures in front of a tiny portion of the original Alamo mission.
- If Friday is nice and sunny, hit up Sea World. Be sure to head out there nice and early so that you may get the full 1604 traffic experience and bask in the wonder of our immense hellscape of unchecked suburban sprawl and tract housing that is currently consuming the western fringes of the city. Approximately 75% of all San Antonio professionals live here and commute up to 2 hours to other areas of town. Plenty of chain neighborhood Italian grills and video game stores to keep you busy!
- Don't forget this is not New Orleans or Las Vegas just because we have a Pat O'Brien's. San Antonio police will happily snap your photo in front of a mariachi statue one minute, then turn on you viciously and arrest you for trying to put colorful beads around their horse's neck the next.
Thank you for pumping money into our fine city without seeing much of it, and enjoy losing to Army.
IOWA STATE @ KANSAS
SATURDAY, 11 AM
I will not actually be watching this game. I will not be watching this game because in 2016, with over a dozen channels that broadcast college football, this game will not be shown. Many would point to that fact as an indicator that we as a society still have some sense of right and wrong and still have our collective shit together. Those are the same people who would burn books rather than read them and learn from our past mistakes.
This is a Power 5 conference matchup.
This is a Power 5 conference matchup.
This is a Power 5 conference matchup because we humans have a compulsion to give everything its proper label and place it in the correct bucket, and during the sorting process these two teams had been glued to Nebraska and Oklahoma for decades and no industrial solvent was worth the shipping fee. Let's examine these Power 5 teams, who are certainly powerful and definitely five.
Yes. Yes I see. These are simply two Power 5 teams who have struggled to find their way in a loaded Power 5 conference. However, when facing lesser competition they have held their own and exerted dominance over the finest that the group of 5 and FCS have to offe-
Oh goodness. Well, I mean... UNLV was good that one time. And Nevada, I think they invented the pistol offense, that has to count for something? And Brown... they - wait a minute.
This is football refuse. This is unfit for human consumption and the networks were right to hide it from us. These teams should only be televised as they are launched into the sun.
California at Washington State
ESPN | 9:30 PM CST
Not only do we have late night #PACtion, not only do we have a chance of 45 degree rain in Pullman, Washington, not only will I be happy/sad drunk after the A&M/Ole Miss game wraps up, we will have the TWO MOST ESTABLISHED OFFENSIVE MINDS OF OUR GENERATION* GOING AT IT LIKE ALI AND FOREMAN. (*nay, any generation.)
IN THIS MF'ING CORNER:
The man who brought the air raid into our national consciousness, owner of countless passing records, drinker of fine rum, allowed to practice law in anywhere from 8 to 13 states depending on the suit in question, possible inspiration of the most interesting man in the world, and father to the weirdest damn coaching tree to ever sprout out of the earth: The Pirate.
IN THE OTHER CORNER:
A man that has yet to turn 32. A man who loves index cards the way Gary Danielson loves fucking a chicken made of actual pieces of houndstooth. A man who has signed so many Non-Disclosure Agreements after two years of working with Dana Holgorsen he has to deny ever having met him. A man who has coached under Gus Malzahn, yet somehow still hates the running game with a passion of 1,000 fiery suns: The Spavdog.
Jacob. Damn. Spavital.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CU8tsFCVEAEBp-a.jpg (i need this picture of him holding an index card more than i need air)
Who wins when titans collide? We do, dear viewer.
LSU at Arkansas
ESPN | 6:00 PM CST
Coach Orgeron, is your team ready for this game?
"DACOACHO CAMUP HERE TA ARKENSAW TAHWHEN DATS GOLDA BOO TROPHA. WEEZA LIL BANGUP FRUM DAT BAMA BUH DACOACHO REDDA CUZ DATS DALIFE IN DUH ESS EE ZEE. DEM HAWGS PLAYEN TUFF DEE DAYS AN DACOACH BURR GODDEM FIREUP FUH DEEZ ELLA EWW BOYZAH. DIS GUN BEE TUFF AZZA TRYNA CATCHA BIG OL MOMMA GAYTUH WIDYA BAR HANNS OWNAH MOONLISS NIGH. DACOACH BURR GODDIS TEEM SODEYCAN RUH AN THRO DABALL, DEY UH LAHLIKE UH FOOBAW GUMBO, BIT UH ERRYUHTHANG. BUH WEENAH GONE RUHLLOBER ANPLAY DED LIEKAH PAHSUM. WE GONE BE REDDA TUH FITE JUSS LIE UH CRAYZUH VOODOO WITCH LAYDUH."