THE ONLY UT WE NEED TO PLAY
OK, so listen, y'all. I don't post often, but when I do it's because I have something important to lay on you stupid people, so just take this all in. Finally, we're playing those UT bastards again, and we get to shove this putrid orange mass back to where they belong, Knoxville.
This storied rivalry is the only one we need, and I'll be damned if we're going to let these so-called "Volunteers" come into Texas and think they can take anything away from my #8 ranked Aggie squad. What a stupid mascot name, where'd they get that anyway? "Hey, let's all work for free and make a mascot out of it." Ignorant dumbasses.
The best part about playing these people is that I'm already conditioned to hate orange stuff called "UT." It's so natural for me to hate this group instead of the other, that I think I'm just going to keep on with it. Additionally, look at their dumb dog! I think a Bluetick Coonhound sounds more like an insult to hillbillies than a dog breed, anyway. Fits them just right.
Now, I know we ain't ever beat this t.u. in the game known as football, and the last time we played served as a template for how Franchione would turn a quarterback into an option machine - but this is different. Aggies, if you hate "Rocky Top" as much as I do after that day, it's time rise up and saw Smoky's balls off. Mostly because neutering your pets is a responsible thing to do, but also for the emasculating implications and ties to what we already sing at every damn football game.
BTHOtu or something.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
#92 has been in the regular DT rotation, clogging up the middle and letting Hall and Garrett do their thing. Time for the big guys to put on a show.
#98 has been putting in work on the inside also. This is the game where the interior of that defensive line makes a splash. Looking forward to a couple of big plays for the large men.
A top 10 matchup of undefeateds on CBS. This is probably exactly the type of stage he wanted the chance to play on when he transferred from OU. Make it an iconic day.
Hmmm, a big dude in the middle wearing single digits? Look out. Leads the team in sacks (4) and TFL (8.5). Might want to double-team him? I'm not a coach.
Two reasons you won't have to worry about a repeat of this costly gaffe: 1) he won't get near the end zone, obvz, but 2) Armani won't surprise-fumble you, he'll do it face-to-face.
He is a genius and great kid and pretty damn good football player. So here are a few of my favorite anagrams of his name: Jabs Bud Oohs, Basso Job Duh, Abs Hobs Judo, Soda Hub Jobs, Sad Bubo Josh, Bad Jobs Oh Us, Ads Job Bus Ho, Ass Bud Job Ho.
[melancholy piano music, shot of Kyle Field with a cloudy background]
A stadium. A place of dreams. But for one student, a living nightmare.
September, 2014. Kaeighleighh Smith was a fun-loving freshman at Texas A&M University. She had it all: wonderful friends, a loving family. But on one September evening, during a rain delay at a Texas A&M Football game, it all came crashing down.
Kaeighleighh: You don't really think about it, the things you take for granted. When it started to rain that night, I tried calling my cousin to roll the windows up in my Yukon that I'd parked at her house before the game. Then I tried texting. Nothing.
You see, there was no phone service at Kyle Field.
The torrential downpour the delayed that football game also washed away Kaeighleighh's innocence.
Kaeighleighh: My backpack, my books, the iPod Touch my dad gave me for my 14th birthday, my spare Louis Vitton wallet...all gone [choking back tears]. All because I couldn't get a signal.
Kaeighleighh wasn't the only one who suffered a nightmare that stormy evening. Countless thousands of others were tormented by the futile and helpless feeling of being completely isolated by the world, unable to reach out for the most basic human communication, forced to sit idle for hours as the thunder raged all around them.
Thankfully, that nightmare is over.
[shot of sun shining out behind cloud, inspirational music]
Kyle Field now has state-of-the-art cell reception, and even top-of-the-line wireless internet. Never again will any be forced to endure the helpless feeling of not being able to be in constant contact with the universe. Never again will they be forced to endure nothing but sport for four straight hours.
It's a hard lesson learned. Kaeighleighh will never again leave her windows up, even with the improved technology available to her. She'll never forget that howling thunderstorm of chaos from two years ago, and she will mention it across social media each time she sets foot in the stadium. For Kyle Field, once an isolated fortress of football, is now a beacon of communication.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
The ESPN Gameday crew are sorcerers of the blackest arts, enchanting hoodoo so strong in College Station that Johnny Manziel lost to a Will Muschamp coached team once. The Aggies have competed in a Gameday feature match six times and are winless in those games. If that isn't enough to convince you to run the Gameday crew out of town, consider that an anagram of "ESPN College Gameday" is EMCEED AGGY LOSE PLAN.
RAISE THE CEILING
Kevin Sumlin's Aggies are 5-0 for the 3rd year in a row. Should we win this weekend, you will hear about how no Aggie team has reached 6-0 since R.C. Slocum's squad did it in 1994 (they went undefeated that season). If we lose then we know for a fact that Sumlin was manufactured with a governor installed by the state. Look, I'm just saying I know a guy who can reprogram that but it's not exactly street legal so this conversation never happened.
THIS ONE GOES TO TWELVE
Your Fightin' Texas Aggies are undefeated and playing in a top-ten, in-conference match being broadcast on college football's greatest stage. Your former conference is a weekly football grotesquerie, and your... "former" arch-rival is reaching the fifth stage of Fran Hiring Grief: acceptance. You have a quarterback weaving a tale of redemption with another school that has embraced him for the leader they needed. And you have a defense that stays smart, plays fast, hits hard, and has fun.
The stars will never align better for Aggie football to take the next step into national prominence. If you can still speak above a raspy whispercroak come Saturday night, then you didn't do your part. GET LOUD AGGIES
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#1 ALABAMA AT #16 ARKANSAS
The Tide head to Fayetteville to take on the pigs in the battle of the SEC bulge. If ever there were a time in Bret Bielema's career for one of his patented "great second half to a season with a signature win"'s, it's now. Aggie fans can watch this game to see if the Razorbacks can help tenderize the Alabama roster the same way they did ours - the Ags head to Tuscaloosa in a couple of weeks.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Chavis owns. He has the defense frothing at the mouth to show the SEC's 10th ranked offense in total yards what hell is like. At the end of the game, he morphs into a defensive coordinator spirit-God and hovers over the student section as they chant... words. I'm not saying it here. I rip a phonebook in half and demand to fight Tyson.
Close game ends with offensive miscue. Vols win by small margin, Game Day curse is extended, we did UT's brand too many favors, I cry because I looked at Twitter.