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CBS Sports to Unveil "Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson" for Tennessee vs. Texas A&M

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Harvest the full experience of Autumn with this special Saturday treat.

image by Robert Behrens

The SEC will get a dash of fall flavor on Saturday as CBS will introduce a special version of their standard football announcing product Gary Danielson. Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson will feature a pleasant harvest glow, chopped walnuts, a touch of nutmeg and cinnamon, and a departure from the usual gush of admiration for the bland, suffocating flavor of football espoused by Nick Saban.

"With a hint of autumn in the air, we felt that it's a nice treat for the viewer," said an unpaid CBS intern. "Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson is a sign that fall is finally here, and this time he's dishing out a warm appreciation for the vertical passing game."

“I find this Gary to be quite delicious with a nice cup of black coffee,” mumbled CBS Sports co-commentator Verne Lundquist around a mouthful of moist, delectable Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson he’d surreptitiously torn from the calf area before carefully rolling the pant leg back in place to disguise his transgression. “Not an overwhelming amount of sweetness: just right.”

In addition to a pleasant demeanor and soothing platitudes, Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson will feature a spongy and slightly-sticky texture and a near sickly-sweet tangy aroma. Those nearest Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson in the press box will find him slightly interesting and distracting at first, but unbearable after a short time as the synthetic, cloying "pumpkin" scent slowly becomes more and more overpowering and his outer surface rapidly turns crusty and stale in the dry autumn Texas warmth.

"In retrospect, we shouldn't have rushed the product and should have developed a protective cellophane wrapping or adjusted the chemical makeup of Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson," said the unpaid CBS intern. "But you know how it is in this industry: you don't want to be last. Everyone else has a Pumpkin Spice version of their product, and we were eager to be the first broadcasting organization to adapt." Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson season runs through December, when he returns to his normal flavor: El Paso Desert Ice Blizzard Gary Danielson in the annual Sun Bowl aired on CBS.

Enhancing the rich October-tinged experience of Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson, the SEC on CBS marquee game will also feature Pumpkin Spice Orange Harvest uniforms worn by Tennessee and a Spice Girls tribute by the Fightin' Texas Aggie Band.

DISCLAIMERS

  • Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson contains trace elements of sulfur benzosabanite, rodent faeces, and Purdue football
  • For best results, consume within 12 hours: Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson will grow stale after one day
  • Do not microwave Pumpkin Spice Gary Danielson