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Your Aggie Horoscope for 10/22/16

NCAA Football: Tennessee at Texas A&M Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

WE’RE BACK, BABY. We are just hours away from the biggest game of the year. My hands are shaking and I can’t type on my laptop’s keyboard so I’ll keep this short.

Today is the most important day of our lives. I said that two weeks ago and I’ll say that again today. The stars have aligned, the moons have too, I think. I am your Aggie Astrologist and, much to everyone’s surprise, I’m back with your weekly AGGIE HOROSCOPE.

Cross-check the year you graduated from our great university with the definitely real and 100% not made up “Aggie Astrological Sign”, which I have surprisingly received no emails about. Follow it blindly and BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ALABAMA AND THEIR DUMB SHEET SIGNS.

Old Army: 1920-1940

  • You’ve already seen A&M beat Alabama before. The year was 1968 and you brought your young family to the Cotton Bowl. So you don’t need to watch the game today. You’ve already seen it so who cares.

Donor: 1941-1960

  • Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The last time you were here … that’s weird. You can’t remember the last time you were here. You had to have come back since 2012, right? But anyway, good to be back.

  • Beware of a Total Recall scenario, as opposed to the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind scenario. Don’t screw around with mind wipes, y’all.

Politics Board Poster: 1961-1980

  • There is a battle of good and evil waging in this country. The entitled career winner versus the scrappy underdog. Who cares about this game, there’s an election coming up.

  • Watch out for people living in the real world and just watch the damn game, ok.

Pay Wall Payer: 1981-1983, 1985-2002

  • You’re ready for this game. Two weeks of forum trolling has told you everything you need to know: we are going to win. How? Can’t say. Classified information. Top secret. Only subscribers know the game plan. It’s an exclusive club and you are proud to pay to be a part of it.

  • Watch out for credit card bounce back.

My Dad: 1984

  • “What time is the game today? Who are we playing? Do you think Dak is going to start over Tony?”

  • We talked on the phone a couple days ago and I told him I had gone to see Girl on a Train with Emily Blunt and now I’m worried he’s going to go see that today instead of watching the game. Beware of missing the game, Dad.

Fran: 2003-2007

  • For just a moment, let’s imagine the alternate reality in which Blade Runner takes place because I guarantee you that’s the future where Dennis Franchione signed the 10 year, $15 million deal to remain the coach at Alabama. What kind of world was America in 2002?

  • Watch out for Bama fans because they have 100% not forgotten the time you left them after two years of relatively solid coaching and after promising you wouldn’t leave and then telling your players by Skyping them in the locker room. This is all your fault, Fran. And this time I kinda mean it.

2%er: 2008-2016

  • Too old to road trip to the game, too young to fly to Tuscaloosa, it looks like you’re staying in your metropolitan Texas town and watching the game at your local A&M Club’s bar. That’s all well and fine but just be careful. You never know who may show up to one of those things.

  • Beware of your ex-girlfriend who saw that you RSVP’d “Maybe” on the Facebook event for the game watching party and just so happened to come to the bar to watch the game. Just watch at home.

New Army: 2017-2020

  • Tuscaloosa is just so far. What’s the point of even going to the game? That would be a waste of time. Plus, you have a lot of laundry to do. You’ll just have to check the score on your phone a little later.

  • Watch out for people with a sense of humor and a sense of school pride.

  • (P.S., are you one of those students who writes on a bed sheet and thinks the phrase “Nick Saban wears cargo shorts” is funny? Just curious.)