IMMA MAKE A PICK
O-kay. O-kay. Now listen. Imma make a pick here. The last three weeks my picks have involved either Alabama or Texas A&M, both two fun programs to watch from the legendary Southeastern Conference. Speaking of the Southeast, I’ve had some fun times there. Let me tell you what, y’all. Back in nineteen and sixty five I was a spry young man of thirty, and I attended a football game as the quarterbacks coach of Maryland.
Who did we play? I don’t know. Did we win? Beats me. What I do know is that Alabama probably won that day. And Texas A&M may have too. Hell, I love football! I love the Home Depot! All this orange reminds me that I should probably go stop by that hallowed hall of home improvement to pick up a case of caulk. You can never have too much caulk, I tell you. Caulk plugs holes, you see, much like that TEXAS A&M DEFENSIVE LINE! Woo!
You may be asking, “Is coach gonna pull out an elephant hat or pet a fake Reveille?” Well, I’ll tell you that I like bread. Yes, bread is delicious, especially when presented in a basket in roll form. I love a nice warm roll nestled in a basket lined with freshly washed napkins. They’re especially fresh when washed with Tide. Rolls. Tide. MMMMMmmmmmMMMMMMmboy I love it!
[Corso motions under the desk like he’s going to pick something up, farts, and sits up at attention. Herbstreit begins to turn red, stifling a laugh.]
But there’s a stench in the air. I blame… the dog! Come here, Rev! Who’s a good girl?
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Evans, Watts, and Wilson: the three-headed beast of the defense. Hall and Garrett get all the attention, but this iconic trio has quietly amassed the following combined statline over the past 2.5 seasons: 458 tackles, 32 TFL, 4 sacks, 15 interceptions, 27 pass breakups, 7 forced fumbles, 3 fumble recoveries, 4 QB hurries, and a blocked kick for good measure.
We saw the Chavis effect really come into focus against Alabama last year. The defense kept the game somewhat close, but offensive turnovers doomed us. The defense is going to have to prove that the Tide aren't the only ones who can score from that side of the ball. If A&M gets a defensive touchdown or two, that'll help. A lot.
This is a dream season for any kid who grew up in Texas playing football. Now he's got a chance to prove that this showcase of skill was not a fluke. Very few players ever get a realistic shot to beat Alabama twice, much less on two different teams.
"He can hurt you in so many different ways,..." says Gary Danielson, his voice trailing off wistfully, tears welling at the corners of his crow's feet as he remembers the time he tried to offer Lane comfort in a time of pain but was brusquely ignored, how it had made him feel empty inside when all he wanted was a friendly glance from the youthful coach...finally Verne has to break the awkward silence on air....
Hi! You may remember Minkah from such performances as the two interceptions returned for touchdowns against A&M in College Station in 2015, on which he amassed 88 return yards, over twice the rushing yards of the Aggies that day. You remember that? Well fucking forget about it now. New Aggie QB, new offense, new attitude.
GARY: Hey Paul, how are the Aggies like the moon?
PAUL: I don't know, Gary. Because they think they "control the Tide"?
GARY: No! Because they spin out of orbit and fade away in the second half of October! HEY!
GARY: Paul, how do you get the Aggie offense off your lawn?
PAUL: I don't know, ask them politel----
GARY: Tell them it's 3rd-and-2! OOF!
PAUL: Good one, Gary.
PAUL: Hey, Gary. Is there going to be a remake of the movie Cocoon?
GARY: I don't know, why?
PAUL: I saw your outfit for the Tennessee game and thought you were auditioning.
PAUL: So what do you think Lane Kiffin's strategy will be this week?
GARY: Oooh! I think he'll go with a white visor, some nice-fitting khakis, and a red windbreaker, maybe a fleece if it gets cooler at night.
Something to accentuate his blonde hair and strong jawline. You know, I think his best feature is--
PAUL: Uhhh, Gary? I meant football-wise.
GARY: Oh. Right.
PAUL: You know, Gary, I didn't realize you were a proctologist.
GARY: I'm not. Why?
PAUL: Then why do you walk around with your head halfway up Nick Saban's[curtain rapidly descends on stage, "Yakety-Sax" plays]
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
TIDE SPREAD PANIC
The Aggies opened as 16.5 point underdogs in Vegas, and that line has already moved as far as 19 points. The casinos are not known to play fast and loose with their cash, so this line has many Aggies very concerned about our chances. Those Aggies are unaware that this is all part of a non-canon reboot of the Ocean's Eleven films featuring Myles Garrett's left and right arms as Rusty Ryan and Danny Ocean, respectively.
(SPOILER ALERT Lane Kiffin is Tess)
Alabama's D has gained some notoriety for its prolific scoring, having put up more points on the defensive side of the ball THAN THE ENTIRE BIG XII AM I RIGHT seriously though I think they might have more than Kansas. If the Aggies want to have a shot at taking down Goliath they will have to protect the ball in Noel Mazzone's bubble screen, please intercept me for touchdowns offense. RUN THE DANG BALL PAAAWWWWWL.
Speaking of Mazzone, he said this during the press conference probably because he was worried that no one makes fun of A&M online. Good stuff. But no not stuff. Not butt either. Just nevermind.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
Are you the type of person who likes to watch clashes between top 25 ranked teams? You're in luck because there are three such matches this weekend and all of them are SEC teams. (Celebrate / Mourn) the Ags' inevitable (victory / soul crushing defeat) by watching #17 Arkansas at #21 Auburn, and then later #23 Ole Miss at #25 LSU.
We may take our fair share of losses these days, but it's safe to say that Texas A&M won conference realignment.
PLACE YOUR BETS
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Fast defense. Sacks. Forced turnovers. Steady offense that stays on the field. A couple of big plays. Upset. Love is in the air. I marry the first person I see after the game, regardless of gender or their current marital status. We grow old together and die at the same time of natural causes.
Saban's football Skynet notices that it's time to just take over. The football team is dismantled, but that's not the end of it. They march throughout the entire country, ridding it of the unathletic, the uncoachable, and Auburn. We are all Saban's minions now, and we run gassers because we deserve it.