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GBH WATCHLIST Week 7: some terrible early games and the SEC MS Paint of the week

rise and shine, campers

Purdue v Ohio State
black eyes, like a doll’s eyes
Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images

It’s bye week, and we’re going hard early on. These are the early games, and this week we’re checking misery off the list first thing in the morning.


Lafayette vs. Army

11:00 a.m. | CBSSN

No, not Louisiana-Lafayette. Just plain Lafayette. Like the 1-5 in the Patriot League Lafayette. Army has already surpassed their win total from last year and has a real shot at just their second bowl berth since 1996. I haven't seen much of Army yet this season, and since the primary competition in this time slot (apart from the Holgo-Kliff Bowl) is Iowa/Purdue, Minnesota/Maryland, Vandy/Georgia, and K-Steak/OU, this seems like a good time to take in some hot Black Knight action. They've got wins over Rice, UTEP, and Temple on their resume already, and fell short to Duke to a 13-6 shitfest. The defense is giving up 15 points per game. The offense needs some practice. I'm all for an Army-Navy game where both teams are already bowl-eligible.

[pre-packaged HISTORY TAEK for when this game is out of hand]

"Haven't seen a Lafayette get rolled by the Army this badly since the Battle of Brandywine and Valley Forge."



11 AM | ESPN2

Got a little story for ya, Ags.

2003 was a magical year. It was the year stamped on my Aggie ring and the year I was supposed to graduate had I followed some sort of masochistic study regimen (I did not). It was also a time of absurdities, when Dennis Franchione stood as a beacon of hope and optimism for the future and the Purdue football team nearly cracked the top ten rankings.

In November of that Year Of Our Lord Two Thousand And Three, the Boilermakers hosted and soundly defeated #10 Iowa. Jerod void gained 120 yards against a top rushing defense, and QB Kyle Orton had the Purdue offense singing, a fact that is important only so that you are forced to remember that as of 2014 there were two NFL starting quarterbacks who played their college ball at Purdue.

Purdue is the Texas A&M of the Midwest - a large, state school with a strong engineering component in a town that exists only because of the school. As a result, when I was accepted to Texas A&M and Purdue, I chose A&M because the only difference between the two was the in-state tuition. And of course the traditions and the outside looking in stuff. Of course that.

But the Boilermakers have always held a place in my heart. And so, on November 8, 2003, as Purdue put the finishing touches on a top ten victory I stood, turned to my roommate, and declared with arms held high, "IT'S A NEW ERA OF PURDUE FOOTBALL!"

Since that fateful moment, the Boilermakers are 64-92 in a division where they play Illinois and Northwestern every year and their yearly rivalry game is against Indiana. Darrell Hazell is averaging 2.3 wins per season. They are a garbage football team ever since I uttered those words, words my roommate reminds me of yearly ever since.

In 2003 I believed in Purdue football, but the weight of my belief was more than it could bear and I broke its spine.


West Virginia at Texas Tech

11:00am | FS1

Let us examine a number of statistics as the annual Big XII JUCO Shootout rides again:

  • Texas Tech Passing Offense: #1 (544.0 Yards Per Game)
  • West Virginia Passing Offense: #17 (318.0 Yards Per Game)
  • Texas Tech Total Defense: #99 (445.0 Yards Per Game)
  • Over / Under: 83.5 Points

Let me repeat, this is a game with an OVER/UNDER of almost 85 - and they will probably break through that terribly low glass ceiling sometime around the 3rd quarter, as the game stretches into it's 4th hour.

Friends, sometimes you want to wake up slow to a Minnesota/Iowa game, or maybe quietly roll over to see how Purdue is doing - but there is only one bye week. Do it right. Mainline the best (and worst!) college football has to offer.

Kliff Kingsbury. Dana Holgerson. The two most beautiful creatures walking the earth, paying little to no attention to what goes on when their respective offenses don't possess the ball. Defense is for losers, and I'll be huffing the beauty of this bad boy all day long.


Illinois at Rutgers

11:00 am CST | ESPNNews

These two powerhouses from the B1G have a combined 3 wins between them. Two of those are against FCS teams, and the third is vs New Mexico. This game is the fucking worst. This game owns the Dharma & Greg complete series on DVD. This game treats itself to Long John Silvers twice a month. There will be people that wake up Saturday and drive to a stadium in New Jersey to watch this game live. Those people need a hug, but deserve a crotch kick. For every fan that stays to the end of this game, they should give out vouchers for free smack from the nearest heroin dealer, which is probably located in the alley behind the stadium. This game still writes a check at the grocery store for a box of ramen noodles and a carton of Camels. This game loves listening to The Eagles. This game is a port-a-potty after 10 hours in the August sun. This fucking game should be running for President.



All Damn Day | Whatever Network Has The Games I Feel Like Watching

The last six weeks my Saturdays have been filled with activities, and now those activities have ceased. For the first time this season I'm going to take the Saturday, wake up, make a giant pot of coffee and some breakfast tacos, and watch all the goddammed football I can ingest. Hell, Friday night has Duke vs. Louisville, and if you think I'm not in the mood for a fun Friday night upset, you're wrong. I'm feeling the Blue Devils in that one. WVU vs Kliff? Yes, please. I want to watch that finely coiffed, sexy ass son of a bitch Kliff get turnt coaching all over the White family's favorite football team. Bama vs. Tenn? How is this not mandatory? You know the Vols are going in there beat up, but something tells me they don't care. Lane Kiffin may be disemboweled by the end of this one, and who doesn't want to watch Saban pull that off while not getting arrested and at the same time getting a raise? Just... all the damn football y'all. Stanford vs. Notre Dame? Fuck yes. I want to watch two proud limping programs have a one-legged ass kicking contest. This'll be fun. Bonus if Brian Kelly gets fired during the game. By a priest. Who slaps him.

Just give me all the football.


Alabama @ Tennessee

2:30 p.m. | CBS