FREE FROM THE CURSE (OF AGGIE FOOTBALL) AT LAST (FOR ONE WEEK ONLY)
By Marco Ovo Queso Polo
The Bye Week couldn't have come at a better time. The team needs to heal. These students need a week to recover from their "three day post-standing in line for 14 hours to show up on College Gameday with their sign they stole (New Army, you unoriginal idiots), five hour game that added 2 years to their life, and spending a whole weeks' paycheck at Northgate" hangover. And while you’re at it, pick up some Just For Men: Touch of Gray at the store, because we know that last game added a few noticeable gray hairs. You have to keep some of the gray, though, or else no one will be able to tell how grizzled you are from the near-relapse of Battered Aggie Syndrome.
You know how heroin makes you feel really good and then the worst you’ve ever felt but right after the low, you just can’t keep away? I mean, we don’t either, but we have listened to Semi-Charmed Life. Anyway, that’s Aggie football. You just can’t stay away. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome. Use this time to prepare for what life in the Spring is going to be like when football is over. If you still can’t keep away, satisfy that hunger by showing everyone at the dinner table those clips of the refs getting decked. Ha! Never gets old!
Use this week wisely. Maybe start that paper that's due in November that you've been procrastinating on. Create a shrine for Myles Garrett and pray for his good health. Say thank you to the football gods for lifting the Maroon Out / College Gameday / 5-0 curse. In fact, you might as well thank all the other gods, too, because we can use all the help we can get come next week. But most importantly, remind your friends that go to t.u. that Texas football is back.
Texas A&M ∞
Hype ∞ + 1
Cast of Characters
By Fish Daddy
He might not be taking the field this week, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to appreciate that handsome man’s damn magnificent jaw. I could eat dinner off of that. Ever wondered who the real life Crimson Chin is? Now you’ve found him.
Remember when we fired this guy? Wasn’t that such a great day?
Or, as Former Students say, “President who?” Finally, the Moping Mormon can take a week off of pretending to care about Aggie Football and smiling through the pain of talking to donors.
LOOK AT THAT SMILE. I CANNOT ABIDE THAT SMUG ASS SMILE. FOCUS ALL OF YOUR ANGER ON THIS MAN’S FACE. WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT. THE BAMA HATE STARTS NOW.
Good ol’ Charles is leading his team into the most intense and important revenge game in the history of the Big XII… Iowa State. Be sure to catch this barnburner on the Longhorn Network or Cyclones.TV. Remember, TEXAS IS BACK, BABY!
With CBS broadcasting the Alabama game, Aggies only have a brief respite from the chortling of everyone’s favorite amphibious football commentator, Verne Lundquist. Before calling the Alabama game this weekend, Verne will reportedly be scoping out lily pads for retirement in Baton Rouge.
The Ouija Board: A Maroon and White Horror Story
By Come & Bake It
We’ve got a little story for you Ags. The Aggies needed a change to boost the Aggies over the top as overtime began against Tennessee. Thankfully, head coach Kevin Sumlin had a Ouija board in his man satchel. After sacrificing an unsuspecting walk-on, a ghastly voice arose from the board.
What is it that you desire? The voice cackled, revelling in the desperation and nervous sweat dripping down Sumlin’s face. What do you need? I will tell you...for a price.
Sumlin licked his lips, gripping his visor in both hands. He spoke of the Aggie’s valiant effort in the first 3.5 quarters, the prophesied win manifested in a 2 touchdown lead for 4 hours of the game, how the crew of wreckoning had descended upon the orange scourge and how the field of Kyle rumbled. He spoke of how the plague descended upon the football field of plenty, a plague of volunteer locusts that ruined the Aggies’ lead with their pixie dust.
“We need a miracle!” Sumlin begged from his knees.
The voice fell silent, Sumlin and his coaching team waited with baited breath. Finally, a thunderclap sounded in the distance, and the voice laughed maniacally. Like, evil villain laughing where it builds and it’s slightly creepy but then you also wonder if they have a vocal cord impairment and they’re about to choke.
Softly, the voice whispered Put the punter in...at QB…
Sumlin grasped the Ouija board to his chest and sobbed. “Thank you, holy spirit of Aggieland, thank you, you have saved us all! Please I will sacrifice the purest lamb, Trevor Knight for you—”
“YOU FOOLS,” another voice boomed from the heavens. Visor Guy appeared in front of Sumlin, stepping out of a portal from the field. “Who do you think you were talking to?! You do not know what demon you have unleashed upon us all!”
Sumlin looked down at the Ouija board in shock, a new fear spreading across his face. “What have I done? Who are you?”
The voice cackled again, growing louder and filling the stadium. Slowly, the Ouija board started to move…
Uniform of the Week
By Wrecking Crew Reba
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
By Koldus & Cream
Sharp Seeking More Money for More New Things:
The curse is broken. The bevel ‘T’ seal reigns. Chancellor Sharp’s #branding mission is reaching fruition. With the Ags now 6-0, John Sharp will likely hit donors while the redass bacon is juicy and sizzling on Sumlin’s quickly cooling hot seat. Building a $2.5 million parking garage next to a $45 million stadium next to a perpetually unfinished Rec Center just isn’t enough for some people.
Kim Jong Swoon:
With the absence of Aggie football this weekend, we thought a well-timed history lesson would fill your waiting moments. The last time the Ags were doing this well, North Korea had signed a pact to end their nuclear projects. But au contraire, not even 22 long years can cure North Korea’s atomic lust. Assuring as it is to see that their lies have aged like fine wines and cheeses, be on the lookout for more stellar news about our Northern pals and Kim Jong Un’s mushroom cloud-sized erection.
Coming off a hard fought win with a “How to Tackle Shittily” highlight reel for the ages, don’t be surprised if Chavis invites local youth football coaches to swing by Aggieland and reteach the defense a thing or two about tackling fundamentals. Bloodshot eyed suburban dads with their Big Gulps that definitely don't have alcohol in them – they SWEAR don't have alcohol in them – know how to teach better than anyone after dealing with punk ass kids equipped with hard plastic hats. In return, Myles will teach their children about dinosaur digs.
By Good Bullogna
Coach Sumlin was last seen on the Las Vegas Strip. After breaking the curse, Sumlin is taking his luck to the blackjack table. Using this week to celebrate, he’s enjoying his time off the hot seat.
Still in shock that his “team of destiny” lost in a heartbreaker, Jones has not left Northgate. Defensive Coordinator Bob Shoop will take over play calling duties when the Vols take on the Crimson Tide this weekend.
Spawning back from hell just in time to beat Tennessee, Saban was seen turning on the 2012 Bama-A&M game on every tv in the Alabama weight room to motivate his players. If the going gets rough, he’ll always have Lane Kiffin’s ass to sink his teeth into.
After ordering the Vineyard Vines Fall Collection, Nick Saban’s favorite “Yes Man” has been leaving voicemail after voicemail on LSU’s athletic director’s phone asking about the head coaching vacancy. Lane is pretty excited that Cullen Gillaspia has replaced him as Tennessee’s most hated man.
There’s only one man who wasn’t celebrating after the Aggie’s recent victory over Tennessee: The Chief. Coach Chavis has prepared a relentless 10-day long training camp for his defense titled “How to Tackle.” No defensive back will be able to push themselves out of this one.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
By Good Bullogna
Alabama @ Tennessee
This is a solid, top ten match-up, so both teams have been punished by receiving the CBS Commercial Experience™ in an effort to increase parity in the league. This “game” will be a five hour commercial break occasionally interspersed with segments of Verne Lundquist chortling unintelligibly and Gary Danielson praising Alabama for all that is good in the world, such as the invention of the printing press and the polio vaccine. Nick Saban will somehow find a way to get angry about a 40 point victory.
Southern Miss @ LSU
The last time these two went head to head, it was Southern Miss who came out victorious. Unfortunately for the Golden Eagles, that win came in 1994. The bigger question is which couch will Les Miles be watching the game on, and will he go for chunky or restaurant-style salsa?
Ole Miss @ Arkansas
This is the battle between the top of the SEC West’s second tier. Both of these schools pass...a lot, so be expecting a time-consuming game that rivals the CBS Commercial Experience™. If Chad Kelly shows the same passion as he does on the sideline for his brother’s high school games, expect a long night for the Arkansas secondary.
By North by Northgate
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
By Bacon & Ags
Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God
I don't know but today seems kinda odd
No barking from the dogs, no smog
And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog
You wake up Saturday morning after finally being able to sleep in for the first time in weeks. Surprise— no hangover! The smell of bacon floats under your doorway. It’s a Saturday, and for the first time in months, you can treat it like a Saturday, dammit. No obligations for the rest of the day… Ahhhh… It’s a Saturday of being exactly productive as last week, albeit with much less stress. Tennessee fumbles again for good measure, and Tom Herman announces he’ll be staying at Houston. The Rec is finished.
Today seems kinda odd, and the dogs are barking. It’s foggy in College Station again, for some stupid reason.
You wake up at 7:15 because those damn birds right outside of your window keep chirping and it’s so loud but you know that if you got up to scare them away they’d just come back and you’d be too awake by the time you get up and walk to them to go back to sleep and holy shit now the dog is barking and it’s too late now you might as well wake up. Myles Garrett falls down the stairs and sprains his other ankle. Tom Herman goes to Texas. My wife says it’s not really working out. I mean, yeah, things were great at first, but first the sex went.. and now, it just seems like things have been downhill for a while. Yeah, I know it’s not all about sex, but it just feels like the passion has left. It’s just been so hard lately, you know? She’s talking divorce now. God, what about the kids, Brenda!? Sometimes—I swear to God—you only think about yourself. Babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Please don’t leave me. We can make it work this time! Brenda, please. You know I love you. Don’t walk out on me, Brenda! Brenda!! Just listen to me, baby. I understand that money is tight, but come on, it isn’t that bad. Oh yeah? Yeah!? Well maybe—just maybe—if you didn’t spend so much money on makeup things wouldn’t be so hard! What? So somehow that’s my fault? Fine, you know what!? Maybe you are right! This isn’t working out! Just go, Brenda! Go! Also Trevor Knight gets back with Sadie and then transfers.