Your Aggie Gameday Horoscope for 10.1.16

I still haven’t been fired from Good Bull Hunting so I’m back, the Aggie Astrologist, with your weekly AGGIE HOROSCOPE to tell you how you should spend your Aggie Game Day according to the stars. Or something. I really don’t know at this point. We’re three weeks into this column and it has already gone off the rails.

Make sure you check the year you graduated and your 100% real and accurate “Aggie Sign” and let’s Beat the Hell Outta South Carolina.

Hope you like day drinking because 3:00 is coming up quick.

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Old Army: 1920-1940

• You saw the alternate uniforms we’re wearing so you may not even watch the game at all. Why can’t we just wear maroon and white? Forget shoulder pads and protecting against head injuries and making those damn recruits happy, back in your day, we didn’t have any of this fancy technology and flair. Who cares that it’s celebrating the Junction Boys? You don’t. You definitely don’t. You definitely aren’t going to talk about how that was the grittiest team that has ever worn a Texas A&M jersey. You definitely aren’t using your retirement funds to buy every single vintage Adidas item off that online store right now. Definitely not.
• Watch out for credit card statements.

Donor: 1941-1960

• You missed your flight out to South Carolina because you were too busy reading your old copy of the Corps of Cadets handbook for some Saturday morning fun. (You still keep it in your back pocket because you never know when you may need it.) Flying to South Carolina is not worth your time, anyway. You’ve seen this game before and that was with Kenny Hill and we all know what happened then and it definitely wasn’t you and the rest of the donors making him transfer to TCU. It was by his own volition, stop asking.
• You’re not even going to watch the game because, if your bagman came through, we’ll have handily won by the second quarter.
• Beware of your bagman being interviewed by one of those long form “journalists”. You’ve been burned before and it can’t happen again.

Politics Board Poster: 1961-1980

• Anytime you see a story about A&M or Kevin Sumlin saying "sources said," DO NOT believe it. There are no sources, they are just made up lies! Using Myles G in the game last week even though he was hurt just shows that Kevin Sumlin suffers from BAD JUDGEMENT! Sumlin was set up by a con.
• (Check out game tape and past of Will Muschamp.)

Pay Wall Payer: 1981-1983, 1985-2002

• We’ve got this. We’ve got this, OK? I’ve heard from reliable people, reliable people on the inside that this is our year. And if it’s not our year? Well, if it’s not our year, someone is getting fired. That’s for sure. You know who that someone is. I don’t even need to say it. Ok, I’ll say it, it’s Kevin Sumlin.
• If we don’t win this game by 30 points, be ready to post your think piece “Why Texas A&M Needs a Change.” You’ve been sitting on it for four weeks now. Don’t let this go to waste.
• Watch out for Kevin Sumlin. He’s coming for you.

My Dad: 1984

• “Who is South Carolina? Have we played them before? I read your article last week, I don’t get it. Do you think Von will start?”
• Beware of the Watch ESPN stream locking you out because I gave the password to all my friends so we could watch the game this week. Sorry, Dad.

Fran: 2003-2007

• Watch out for RC Slocum and Mike Sherman and Will Muschamp.

2%er: 2008-2016

• There’s a game today? Weird that they would schedule a game on THE FIRST DAY OF FALL, BABY! It’s October which means all you care about is you get to wear a sweater and drink coffee outside and might as well start putting Christmas lights up because this is all that matters. Your first marriage was during a fall weekend and your second and third marriages will be too.

• Beware of people who care about football, people who care about the separation of holidays, and also people who care about the sanctity of marriage

New Army: 2017-2020

• Another week of not having to go to a game and stand the whole day? This is awesome. You’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to have to wake up on a Saturday and put your Sperry’s on and walk over to that stadium next to the MSC Food Court. You are dreading next week’s home game because you still haven’t found the best neon shirt to wear. Why can’t they just let you study and drink? You didn’t come to Texas A&M to watch football.
• Watch out for your parents because they haven’t seen you in the crowd on TV for a couple weeks now so they’ll probably drive to College Station to check on you. Hide the beer cans in the ceiling tiles of your dorm room. It 100% works, trust me on this.