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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs Ball State

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I could get used to this new tradition of blowing out ranked opponents in our season openers. The Aggies are back on track for a championship season with a defense I hardly recognize.

Along with things you won't recognize this year, it's almost time to say Howdy to the new Kyle Field. A blogger's paradise of wifi access, large television screens, and voicing your opinions to no one in particular.

We host Ball State, formerly the Indiana Normal College. That might be acceptable in Muncie, but here in Aggieland, with players like Myles Garrett, I would say we're pretty AB-normal.

That was a warm up for you. For more body related humor...

LET'S TAILGATE

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game info

BALLGATE

BY THACKTOR

Well well well, wasn’t that fun? That was fun. Coach Sumlin said it best, the Aggies BEAT ASU. Beat ‘em real good. Offensively, the Ags looked a little different. The O-line wasn’t as dominant as we’re used to, receivers were still dropping balls occasionally, and we ran the Kyle(r) combo which confused my emotions to the point of sobbing-laughter. John Chavis’ defense, however, provided ED stricken Aggies with at least 9 reasons to not need that Cialis prescription anymore.

Thank God we got the easy one out of the way, because now the mighty Ball State Cardinals are leaving Muncie to bring their particular brand of smash-mouth MAC football to Kyle Field. It was hard to get hyped up for a Pac-12/SEC matchup, but this one against the Mid American Conference juggernaut should get your blood boiling as a football fan. When a team beats VMI by 12, it sends an explicit message to the football world. Don’t let that 29.5 point spread fool ya, the Cardinals are coming to play. Literally, because they have to play.

What I’m really grateful for is that the Ags aren’t throwing a bunch of OOC cupcakes on the schedule to dilute the W-L record at the end of this or any future season. I, for one, think it would be a travesty if there were a Tech, Oklahoma, or even (gasp) Texas game on the schedule. What Aggie wants to see any of those games pop up? I mean, we left the Big 12-2-2+2 Dumpster Fire Lulz behind. Why ever play any of these schools again unless we’re held at gunpoint by the bowl selection committees?

There’s nothing fun about playing a rival. Football is big business, and anyone who tells you otherwise is just being a fan. College football is not emotional, just let any Aggie yell at you for 1,000 words as to how unemotional it is. Lots of fans sing about schools they don’t care about in their fight songs. That’s why the 3rd verse of the War Hymn is about Yale, because eff Yale.

ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

Garrett, Hall, and Mack take the field and line up across from the Ball State offensive line. Garrett plants his hand in the turf and looks up at the offensive tackle, "Hi," says Myles, "I do not think you have the ball to block me today."

"Oh great, ball jokes," replies the lineman. "I’ve heard them all. Can we please move o…"

"Wait, hang on," interrupts Garrett, giggling. "To think you’re going to win today, you’d have to be…"

"What?"

"NUT!"

Mack keeps grabbing his crotch and muttering "BALL STATE! JUST ONE!" between fits of laughter while Hall pantomimes working a speed bag.

Aggie: 55
Cardinal: 7

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

cast_ags_hall

Daeshon Hall

DE: Saturday Brad Nessler made us very familiar with his nickname: "Dae Dae". I would pay a nominal monthly fee to have Brad call out player nicknames for all Aggie football games.

cast_ags_kirk

Christian Kirk

WR/KR: There haven't been this many Devils gnashing their teeth over a Christian Kirk performance since Cameron starred in the Left Behind trilogy. Let's hope the Cardinals have given confession.

cast_ags_murray

Kyler Murray

QB: Well, once we took the cap off that bottle of lightning, the comparisons were going to be inevitable. Fluid. Electrifying. Slithering through defenses. Perfect hair. Ladies and gentlemen, the next Vance Smith.

cast_bsu_ingle

Ben Ingle

LB: The senior amassed 200+ tackles over his sophomore and junior seasons. He's from a town with a population of 289 so the Kyle Field atmosphere is NBD.

cast_bsu_williams

Jordan Williams

WR: Cracked 1,000 yards receiving in 2013 and led the team last year. He's big at 6'3" and 230 so it'll be like covering an RSJ lite. Super-sportsy sports name. Grassroots Heisman candidate.

cast_bsu_milas

Jack Milas

QB: The high point of his freshman season was a Herculean effort against favored Western Michigan. The high point of his offseason was getting a prime table at the Indianapolis Morton's when a staff member thought he was Jay Bilas. He lost to the Broncos but enjoyed the steak.

OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

letterman

Top Ten Ways to Identify Visiting Ball State Fans at Kyle Field

10. Complaining at concessions counter that the Lemon Chills are too spicy.

9. Sporting hardcore #MACTION neck tattoos.

8. Suffering from heat exhaustion even though it's only 82 degrees.

7. Wearing red and white (.../whistles through gap in front teeth...heeheee....uuuuuuhh)...I said they're wearing red and white (/tugs collar with pencil...).

6. Commandeer the kettle corn cookers to show you how it's really done.

5. Appear confused to be at a football game on a Saturday since most of theirs are played on Tuesday nights.

4. Will approvingly admire the crop circles left on the Kyle Field grass after halftime.

3. May wonder aloud why those kids painted up those perfectly good brand-new overalls, durn it.

2. Attempt to smuggle tater tot hotdish into the stadium using strategically-placed ziploc bags.

1. Will patiently and courteously nod at your testicles joke, smile condescendingly, and pat you on the back graciously because they've heard them all a thousand times before, you persistent hack.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

BY HYPNO-TOAD

wtwf digs

New Digs

So your Aggie family is getting bigger and that smaller home just isn't cutting it anymore. Everyone always wants move-in ready, but with a budget of only $450 MM it's just not feasible to want to stay in your same neighborhood where property values have skyrocketed since your initial $650 investment. Let us show you how you can take that budget and use it to make an older property into the large, open-concept dream home you've always wanted! Dark hardwood floors, stainless steel appliances, and a kitschy reclaimed-wood feature will also ensure that everyone can pinpoint the exact year that you did the remodel. And don't be afraid to add a little color, people. It's a home, not a hospital ward.

wtwf

QB CONTRA-versy

Kevin Sumlin is a Prepper, spending every weekend stockpiling the bunker under Kyle Field with quarterbacks for the Global QB Crisis. Having to choose which one to take out on his Saturday excursions to the shooting range is a good problem to have, though. Coach has explained that the use of both QBs was always in the game plan, but look for the commentators to make a huge deal out of this anyway. It's like coach and Nintendo Power always said: You may have infinite guys out there, but you still need the spread to get through some situations.

wtwf overreactions

Overreactions

Gosh that game against Arizona State was really neat, wasn't it? Heck, I'd go so far as to call it trill. Yeah. About 365 days ago the Aggies were world beaters and an unstoppable juggernaut destined for the SEC Championship game and parts beyond. Maybe it's time for some perspective. OR MAYBE IT'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL AND IT LIVES IN OUR HEARTS AND OTHER PLACES THAT AREN'T OUR BRAINS AND WE LOVE IT FOR BEING UNREASONABLE WOOOOOOOO GIG 'EM AGGIES BTHO BALL STATE AND EVERYONE

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

BY HYPNO-TOAD

elsewhere

#14 LSU @ #25 MISSISSIPPI STATE

In the future archaeologists will unearth the site of this game in what was once known as Starkville. They will find cowbells strewn about, patches of chewed up grass missing, and blood everywhere and mistakenly think that this was the site of an ancient livestock killing ground. They will never understand that for a brief, beautiful moment, the entire SEC West was ranked in the Top 25. But no beautiful thing can live for long.

#19 OKLAHOMA @ #23 TENNESSEE

At the end of this game either OU will claim that they can win in the big bad SEC or Tennessee will claim that they can win in the offense-happy Big XII. Neither will be correct.

HOT REELZ

BY CUPPYCUP

LET'S HAVE A STATGASM

BY FLETCHER MASSIE

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BALL SO HARD

BY CUPPYCUP

This is your first football game in the totally renovated Hate Barn, so consider overdressing to be safe. WiFi will allegedly be available so you may also find a friend you want to impress on Tinder during the game. You’re in luck because Aggieland Outfitters set us up with very sharp Antigua button downs this week. These shirts project confidence such as, "my team is ranked" or "excuse me, the line forms over there."

Did you know "Antigua" means ancient? Buy one for someone on the West side today. If you gamble on the internet, you also know that Antigua is an island in the Caribbean.

Congratulations to last week’s Adidas sideline polo winner, Kevin C.


Text GOODBULL to 97000 on 9/9 for a chance to win an Antigua button down from Aggieland Outfitters.


bets

BEST CASE / WORST CASE

BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE

Sack. Safety. Kickoff. Offensive drive. Touchdown. Kickoff. Sack. Repeat.

WORST CASE

Real QB controversy emerges. Aggies play lazy like my writing this week. LSU sues and gets Chavis back. I am forced to write a retraction to this week’s intro.

twitter rcb

@rcb05

Hopefully the A&M O-line blocks better this week, because nobody wants to see Ball sacks. #GBHTailgate

twitter grant

@GrantBritton51

Ball isn't a state, ball is life. Get it right. #GBHTailgate

twitter hayden

@HaydenHydeNFL

Kyler Murray had 69 yards rushing against ASU.

Nice. #GBHTailgate

twitter asmith

‏@ASmith2003

Daeshon Hall has more sacks than Texas has points. #GBHTailgate

twitter abk

@abk365

Defense is fun. #GBHTailgate

twitter kirk

@ChristianDavon2

Yall need to stop playin wit us.

@ChipBrownHD

There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.