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UNINFORMED SMACK
BY THACKTOR
Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself
It’s finally here. Football season. Some of you have obsessively followed whatever sport was in season just to make it here. Some of you have been playing Fantasy Bachelorette. We all cope with the offseason in our own ways. Hell, 3 years ago I became a MasterChef superfan. Still am, it really tides me over. If, God forbid, Kevin Sumlin ever leaves College Station, put me down in support of Gordon Ramsey to fill the voided visor. That man’s a motivator who isn’t afraid of dropping some colourful English football hooligan swearing on underachievers to achieve optimal output.
Nobody comes to a tailgate to listen to an annoying "author" wax philosophic about missing football, you came here to drink the haterade. You came for TAEKS. Here’s a TAEK so hot it needs a 900 number: the Sun Devil is a Merrie Melodies’ version of Hitler’s ghost.
[generic sports paragraph] Sumlin’s crew faces a worthy opponent in the Sun Devils. ASU’s ranked 15th in the polls out of the Pac 12, and a coveted victory over an SEC West opponent would serve as a strong reinforcement of that preseason ranking. [/generic sports paragraph]
Nevermind their bro-tastic roster, the good Dr. Camacho will handle that later. Let’s talk about my favorite player nickname from ASU: De’Chavon "Gump" Hayes. How did DeChavon earn the nickname "Gump"? Well, he runs like Forrest. If that highlight reel doesn’t soil your britches, then your name is either John Chavis or Myles Garrett. I’d be more worried about Gump doing the football version of Tom Hanks’ cross-country trip in NRG Stadium if not for the Chief’s noted ability to turn football players into Goro from Mortal Kombat (RCB, do your thing).
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
It is gameday, and John Chavis is awake, as he is normally. Chavis doesn’t sleep so much as he zones out. This turns down the raging anger and hatred of offense just enough for him to get a few short hours of relaxation in before he resumes said furor and gets back to his life’s purpose. The Chief once zoned out for a period of 4 hours wherein he had a vision. It led the Chief to a profound realization that still guides him to this day. "There is no sweeter sound than that of a quarterback crying out for his missing pancreas."
But Chavis is awake, and has gone Super Saiyan on his whiteboard. Murderous schemes are not lightly drawn with dry-erase, no they are burned into the surface with fire from Chavis’ eyes. Myles Garrett points with his upper right arm while the lower one scratches his chin contemplatively.
"Kanye West Presidential Campaign? West Nile Miley Cyrus? Frat Block? Willie Nelson Nickle Bag? Coach, what are those?" says Garrett.
"The renamed blitz packages. I ran the names by some Ags in the parking lot and they really seemed to make ‘em mad. Get pissed, and let’s go."
Chavis burns a hole in the wall with his eyes and exits the room. The players, confused, get pissed off for fear of their coach’s supernatural powers. Kevin Sumlin nods in approval from his seat in the back.
Ags 35
Devils 31
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Daylon Mack
DT: The most-hyped defensive tackle wearing a single-digit and making his first start at a neutral-site game in Aggie football history. Go get 'em, Truckasaurus.
Christian Kirk
WR: He's been called the "next Speedy Noil" which has to make the actual Speedy Noil feel kinda good too in a way. How nice. If you're feeling frisky, count the number of times the announcers mention he's from Arizona.
Kyle Allen
QB: If you're feeling downright sadistic, drink each time the announcers mention he's from Arizona. You'll be singing Marty Robbins by the second quarter.
DJ Foster
WR/RB: Lost your RB coach? NBD. DJ Foster can spin his own tracks. This guy can catch really well too so what I'm saying is w h e e l r o u t e / l o o k o u t.
Jordan Simone
S: From Washington State to ASU walk-on to big-shot Pac-12 safety. Next step is inevitably Boy Band, so watch your hearts, ladies. He ain't playin games.
Mike Bercovici
QB: A star pocket-passer from Southern California who spends five years at a Pac-12 school basking in the cliche. This kid probably surfs to class. Doesn't mind throwing some extra passes after practice though.
OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO
Saturdays with Nick
7:00 AM: wake up, bikram yoga
10:00 AM: breakfast: grapefruit and fajitas
11:00 AM: trolls TexAgs under username SunDevilette69
1:30 PM: Grand Theft Auto 2
3:30 PM: nap in gravity boots
5:00 PM: steps out to local deli but gets lost, wanders around Central Park smoking cigarettes
9:45 PM: emerges from park, shouts at people walking dogs
11:00 PM: back home, chocolate ice cream
11:30 PM: Twitter feud with Rip Torn
11:50 PM: checks football scores
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY HYPNO-TOAD
Awkward First Dates
Last year the Ags opened the season by playing South Carolina for the first time in program history. This year A&M opens with their first-ever matchup against Arizona State. Sorry, UCLA, but tradition now dictates that Texas A&M must always open against an unplayed opponent every year - a practice which will end in disaster with the Aggies' 2021 dismantling at the hands of #3 ranked North Puerto Rico State University. Go Nurse Sharks!
Neutered Site Games
The bad news is that the Aggies will be opening up the season in Enron Reliant NRG Stadium, meaning all of the expense of attending a professional sporting event with none of the hassle of college tradition and passion. Embrace the shield ball experience: put on your favorite foam finger, drink too many $11 Bud Lights, then take off your shirt and fight someone over whether or not Gerald Ford invented the nickel defense.
Zoning Blitz
The good news is that this game is being played in the unregulated capitalism paradise of Houston. Take advantage of the lack of zoning regulations by enjoying a Hpnotiq and orange Fanta in the parking lot of a preschool while pouring benzene into a storm drain. Even if you end up going to jail, it's probably next door and it definitely serves legit street tacos.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY HYPNO-TOAD
ALABAMA VS. WISCONSIN
Most of the SEC has elected to clear the off season out of their system with a little light bird hunting in an enclosed aviary, picking off near-stationary targets like Cardinals, Falcons, Redhawks, Warhawks, Skyhawks, and McNeese State. True apex predators like Alabama are always ready to hunt bigger game, and there is no B1Gger game than the well-fed midwesterners in Wisconsin. It's a top 20 matchup between the reigning and recently ousted champion conferences in college football and it's being played in one of college football's great traditional venues hahaha just kidding it's in Jerry World where human emotions are machine-pressed into gold bullion.
HOT REELZ
BY CUPPYCUP
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
RAZING ARIZONA
BY CUPPYCUP
This is going to be a beautiful season, Ags and you'll want to dress the part. Thanks to our friends at Aggieland Outfitters, you can stand out by wearing a collared shirt! Check out these Adidas Sideline Polos and see the instructions below for entering to win one.
Your faithful Good Bull Hunting crew picked up press credentials thanks to a clerical error in our favor, so we will be putting masking tape over the Texas A&M logos. Make sure you follow us on Twitter and Facebook for updates on all of your favorite Aggie beat writers.
If you plan to tailgate for the game, check out the #AORoadTrip for free beer and ... nothing else I can say will be more compelling than free beer.
Text GOODBULL to 97000 on 9/2 for a chance to win an ADIDAS Sideline Polo from Aggieland Outfitters.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
BY THACKTOR
BEST CASE
Allen continues to improve, RSJ and Speedy Noil have developed Gecko hands, Tra Carson needs an oil change after all that mileage, Daylon Mack and Myles Garrett combine for 7 sacks, Chavis uses a PS4 controller to manipulate the defense...effectively, and I win the lottery despite not having purchased a ticket.
WORST CASE
Dropped passes and inconsistent line play lead to a QB change in the second half and a QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY. The defense is slow to the take on Chavis’ system and looks sloppy early. That "prince" I just online married used me for a green card, cleaned out our joint bank account, and is nowhere to be found.
@abk365
The A&M/ASU game isn't in Arizona because the Sun Devils are tired of losing in-state battles. #GBHTailgate
@jimmygards
"Looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State." - Ned Flanders #GBHTailgate
@CoolHand_Lucas
Rod Tidwell was on steroids #GBHTailgate
@JohnnyKarate05
Farmers know how to handle pitchforks #GBHTailgate
@jevans5749
Who else wants to spend $7/beer then ride a shady train to the ASU game with me. #midtowntailgate #GBHTailgate
@JordanSimone38
Wish I could have gone to @taylorswift13 tonight... Just one of the sacrifices you have to make as a college athlete. I love you T Swift
@ChipBrownHD
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.