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WOLFPACKENSTEIN
BY THACKTOR
Sun Devils? Doneski. Ball? Sacked. Wolf Pack? The Aggies are 2-0 on the season and all is well heading into the battle with the pride of Reno this weekend. The Fightin Texas Aggie Band broke in the new digs with quite the Halftime show. Seriously, watch this video. If you’re like me and had to miss the game, it’ll make you homesick for the new house.
After last week’s SEC showing, you’d think this column wouldn’t be cocky. I mean, Arkansas lost to Toledo and Auburn barely squeaked by JSU. The SEC took quite the hit on the respect-o-meter, but Arizona rushed for 301 and passed for 269 against the biggest little defense in the world. So long as the Wolf Pack don’t go Altered Beast on the Aggies, Sumlin should have this sucker wrapped up in the first half. I do, however, demand a replay of the Kyle Allen/Tra Carson throwback pass maneuver. That was great to watch.
John Chavis… well he’s also got to be feeling pretty good about this one. I do not envy the pair of sophomore offensive tackles that have to line up against Garrett and Hall this weekend. Here’s to hoping the defense isn’t suspended as a unit for hazing after this game because even Chip Diller wouldn’t ask for another after a series of blocking that tandem.
Back in the day, I played on a 7th grade football team called The Wolf Pack. We were almost perfect, but the one touchdown we scored ruined the completely clean sheet on our 0-8 season. Our punter once netted a -25 yard bicycle kick. I’m basing my knowledge of Nevada’s special teams on this experience alone, so I think the Aggies have that phase of the game in the bag. Who knows, maybe Polian will call on his QB to kick an extra point.
If you’re planning a vacation in the near future and require all the debauchery that Vegas has to offer without all that pesky production value, why not check out Reno? Just be sure that you get that extra insurance on your rental car, and read the fine print. You want to make sure you’re covered in the event that you’re targeted by the watermelon mafia. Clearly organized crime has taken over the city, someone call Lt. Dangle.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Christian Kirk returns
The opening kick for six.
He sprouted wings, fool.
On D, The Wolf Pack
Sub out their whole unit for
Galifianakis.
Puns and Haikus are
The lowest form of writing.
I Reno that now.
Ags - 70
Pack - 10
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Mike Matthews
C: ASU threw some wild fronts at us, and Ball State was ultimately overmatched. Nevada is one last opportunity for the OL to gel as a unit before SEC play. We need Mike to step up like Patrick Lewis in 2012. With great hair comes great responsibility.
Jordan Davis
TE: The what, now? Gather 'round, youngsters and let the ol' Ags tell you about the Bernstines and the Bennetts. Of magical tall and fast men who could block and catch footballs. Don't say "tight end" out loud in public or you could jinx this tenuous phenomenon.
A.J. Hilliard
LB: After a gut-wrenching ankle injury in Columbia last August and a couple weeks in the KDS Doghouse™ to start out 2015, we'll finally see the heralded TCU transfer play on Kyle Field. A certain someone has spoken highly of his abilities, so no pressure or anything.
Don Jackson
RB: Don Jackson is the leading rusher for the Wolf Pack. He is also the gritty detective from Reno Vice, the ill-fated 1989 spinoff of the popular Miami original. He wears Wayfarers and a seersucker sports coat over a turtleneck and misses his sidekick from last season.
Asauni Rufus
S: This redshirt freshman is the team's leading tackler by a pretty wide margin. With a bit of luck he can enhance that lead on Saturday as long as the offense continues to run the dang ball like 40 times with every available running back while working that offensive line like it's doing practice drills.
Ian Seau
DE: He is the nephew of NFL legend Junior Seau, so he probably spent his childhood family gatherings learning how to shed blocks and execute a swim move on an unsuspecting cousin. Seriously, football families are damn prolific.
OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO
CELEBRITY DIS-MATCH with Mills Lane
"Spav, I'm going to let you post bail. Based on your behavior over the last couple years, you're not a threat to run."
"Sumlin, It's not even worth looking into your recruiting methods. You already end each case with the shortest sentence imaginable."
"Hey Chief! Glad to see these guys finally found someone capable of putting together a coherent defense."
"BERT, your temper is like a football game against Toledo. Lose it and I'll hold you in contempt."
"Food complaints and wireless internet...what is this, a football stadium or Seattle?"
"Aggie QBs, you keep fumbling like this and I'm sentencing you to December in Shreveport."
"Sorry, Ags. My jury foreman is the real 12th Man."
"They say Texas is a right-to-work state. Guess that's why Steve Patterson worked right into early retirement after 22 months."
"Holding on Myles Garrett? I'll allow it."
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY HYPNO-TOAD
Fully Armed and Operational
The Aggie defense has garnered a lot of praise given the number of injuries it has been fighting through. For Nevada we will finally see Hilliard, Alaka, and Walker all on the field at the same time. It has taken a little while to assemble this Voltron, now let's see what kind of damage it can do.
Open Carries
Nevada is the birthplace of the Pistol Offense, invented by former Nevada QB and coach and CFB Hall Of Fame member Chris Ault. He used his revolutionary formation and the talents of former Nevada QB and The Man himself Colin Kaepernick to great success during his years coaching the Wolf Pack, and they still run it today under Coach Brian Polian. Watching Nevada run the Pistol today is like visiting the Coors Brewery - sure, there are better options out there, but there's still something great about going to the source.
Conference Smack
While the Ags handled their MACrificial lamb just fine last week, we all know the Hogs did not fare as well. Now thousands of scorching takes are on the ready, waiting to be fired off as soon as another SEC team stumbles against a "lesser" opponent. But nothing that terrible would ever happen to the Aggioh god it's still too soon.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY HYPNO-TOAD
FLORIDA @ KENTUCKY
The SEC will feature two matchups between (technically) top 20 ranked teams. The #13 LSU Tigers host a non-traditional day game against the offensively challenged #18 Auburn Tigers. Later Nick Saban's defense will try to resist the fully-automatic BB gun that is Hugh Freeze's Ole Miss offense.
The true student of the sport, however, will seek out the rare opportunity for Kentucky to beat Florida in Lexington. This game will play like getting drunk and watching competitive chickenshit bingo where the loser is slaughtered, thoroughly dried, and then served up at Layne's.
HOT REELZ
BY CUPPYCUP
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
The Reckoning Crew
BY CUPPYCUP
I reckon everyone is comfortable in Kyle Field 2.0 now that we’ve had a game to break things in a little. Now it’s time to lay waste to a Mountain West Conference opponent over a brunch of $24 chicken wraps and Dippin’ Dots. Temperatures are back to Texas-normal this weekend so stay cool in Nike’s Reckoning Polo with Dry Fit tech fabric. Doesn’t Nike make you think of the Wrecking Crew at Kyle Field?
Well, you’re in luck because now we have Myles Garrett and Daeshon Hall working in tandem. I will call this unit the Reckoning Crew because it sounds menacing and fits the name of the shirt I am promoting right here. Enter to win or just buy some from Aggieland Outfitters because they look good and your fishing shirt is beginning to show its age.
Congratulations to last week’s Antigua button down winner, Leslie M.
Text GOODBULL to 97000 on 9/16 for a chance to win a Nike Reckoning Polo from Aggieland Outfitters.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
BY THACKTOR
BEST CASE
John Chavis has all of his toys, and he uses them to perfection in the first half, clogging the barrel of the pistol offense such that it blows up in Nevada's face. We see a glimpse of the RSJ that we all know is in there, and Speedy continues to improve after injury. Kyle and Kyler put on an absolute show. Christian Kirk does Christian Kirk things. Aggies win and don't fall in the polls.
WORST CASE
Please see Auburn and Arkansas from last week. I become a meth sommelier.
@a_day_with_AlyK
This 11am kickoff gives us an excuse to start drinking at 6am...as if we needed an excuse. #GBHTailgate
@mattywatty01
Nevada runs the pistol offense? Well we run shotgun AND pistol. And we have a cannon. Right there on the field. With swords. #GBHTailgate
@KawhiSoSerious
After this game, Nevada will offer Christian Kirk a headliner magic show at the Luxor, entitled "Now you see me, now you don't" #GBHTailgate
@rcb05
Nevada gonna give you up, Nevada gonna let you down, Nevada gonna run around and desert you. #GBHTailgate
@DaylonMack
Animals are such good friends Lol they understand the struggle
@Kaepernick7
Dear Reno Nevada, turn the damn power to my neighborhood back on please and thank you...... Sincerely, Colin Kaepernick
@ChipBrownHD
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.