How to Survive the Summer


As a kid, summer was awesome. You had 3 months out of school. You could swim, play games, ride your bike, hang out with friends, stare at girls and never ask them out, stay up late, and sleep late. This is before you turned into an adult and realized summer fucking sucks. Now? It's roughly 100 degrees each day, which doesn't include the humidity we have thanks to the Gulf of Swamp-Ass. After work, the inside of your vehicle feels like crawling inside of a pizza oven. All sports suck during the summer. And you can try to convince yourself baseball is amusing, but that's because everything else is so miserable, that watching grown men play a shitty game of catch for 3 hours seems enjoyable.

And what makes summer the most unbearable of all? We are starving for college football. I'm tired of arguing about recruiting rankings. I'm tired of hearing about spring games. I'm sick of bragging about TV revenues. I just want the college football season to get here. But it's not. Not until September. So how do we survive until then? Here's a few suggestions...

  • Take a summer vacation! Yes, that means Disney World, the beach, or any other acceptable tourist location where everyone flocks during the summer months. Is it extremely fun? Probably not. It'll be hot, crowded, over-priced, and every slack jawed yokel decided to vacation in the same spot as you. But at least you're not at work. And you can do things like drink at breakfast with your family. This is your chance to embrace your true inner Griswold. Visit those backwoods relatives, and encourage them to call in to the Finebaum show. Watch out for those freeways PAAAAAAWWWWWL.

  • Go to the movies. This is the time of year when Hollywood inundates us with superhero movies, retread action movies, and animated films. None of those require much thought. Get a 3 gallon tub of popcorn, a 60 ounce Dr. Pepper, and soak up someone else's air conditioning for a few hours. Yes you'll burn through a fifty dollar bill in a heartbeat but surviving the summer doesn't come cheap. And to entertain yourself, every time a dinosaur chomps down on some random extra, let out a hearty "ROLL TIDE!"


  • Host a back yard cookout. College football players spend their summers lifting weights, pulling sleds, and trying to survive the demented workouts of Black Death. As a fan, you don't need to slouch all summer either. Tailgating season is coming, and you better have your shit together. Think of the backyard cookout as your tailgating practice session. Work on your grill game. Standing over a 350+ degree pit of fire in Texas during the summer is your own personal workout session. Stop drying out that damn brisket! Mix in some new recipes for snacks, appetizers, etc. Dress up that booze offering. You're an adult now. Keg beer and a handle of Wolfschmidt won't cut it anymore. Become a mixologist and get ready for the tents around Kyle Field.

  • Celebrate the 4th of July! Our nation has a lot of issues. You can't turn on the TV or radio without hearing two mouth breathers scream at each other about the problems in America. But for one day each year, we can all get drunk, laugh, over-eat, and try to blow off multiple digits on our hands with black market fireworks. REEKRIS!! Seriously, we may have issues, but America is still a kick ass fucking country. So next weekend, don't worry about all the other shit, put out some Old Glory flags, wear some Red, White, and Blue and just enjoy your damn freedom to do so.

  • Scrap all these other ideas, save enough money to keep your residence at a frosty 62 degrees, and spend the entire summer wrapped in a blanket watching old 80's and 90's movies. Maybe that way, you'll understand all the shitty references I make during the football season.


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