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GBH Mailbag #1

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You want answers? You want answers?

It takes a long time for this guy to deliver questions via Segway. Thanks for your patience.
It takes a long time for this guy to deliver questions via Segway. Thanks for your patience.
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

A few weeks ago, we put out the call: send us your questions and we'll do our damnedest to get you answers/resolution/closure/validation/whatever else you require. Hopefully at least some of you will be entertained. Keep those questions coming, because it's a loooong off-season. And Shooter, since you are the bestest for sending the most questions, I have taken one of your submissions and created a whole separate post for it that will be published as a follow-up to this here mailbag.

So here is the introductory GBH Off-season Mailbag 2015, 1st Edition:

1. Are tacos sandwiches, or are sandwiches just tacos that lost their way?

-anonymous email user

thacktor: Ok, I don't want to kick off my mailbag portion of GBH with an insulting answer, but what the everloving shit are you talking about sir or madam? Tacos are tacos. They involve a tortilla (crispy or soft). The sandwich involves bread. If you use a tortilla and deli meat, this puts you into the "wrap" or "bullshit sandwich" category. Tacos are gifts to us from God and are their own, wondefully special category that deserve to be treated with respect. That's like asking if Aggies are Longhorns who just lost their way. You wouldn't like that very much, would you dear reader?

Chuck: This is a question as old as time itself. As the lines between sandwich, hot dog, and taco continue to blur, each person must ask themselves what they believe a sandwich to be. Taco is in the eye of the beholder. Or as Hemingway famously put it, "I said fix me a damned pastrami taco before I punch you, lady."

James: "Sandwich" is Dutch for "Taco". They were invented by Herbie Sandwich in 1992 and are generally liked.

cuppy: There are real questions in the world like can a grilled cheese include meat but you're wasting our time with this.

2. What if the A&M Athletic Department instituted a "king of the hill" style system for credentials. Basically they're going to credential "x" number of people, and everyone who already has one gets to keep it. For y'all to get one, you have to fight someone who already holds a credential to take theirs and everything that goes with it. Who would you fight, and in what location and what sort of match? For example, you could challenge Louie Belina in a joust, Richard Croome in a sword fight.Or do you go completely the other way and just challenge everyone to a Royal Rumble hoping that someone that already has a credential tries to take out someone else to improve their press box seating?The only rule is that it has to be some sort of fight, not just a competition. Otherwise challenging me to a race would be the obvious choice.

-Aubrey Bloom

thacktor: I wanna fight Cessna just to see if he's got the old man strength I think he does. He'd probably whip my ass, but I think I could level the playing field if the fight were legs only. I can kick, son.

Rush: Cessna, Goldeneye 64: in the stacks, slappers only.

Chuck: Sadly this system does not improve GBH's situation. Bloggers are, as a rule, ungainly and sensitive to outdoors and sunlight. On the other hand, some of the Aggie beat writers are relatively capable looking and likely to be fierce opponents. I can attest firsthand to Aubrey Bloom's prowess with a morning star. However, if a Thunderdome Of Credentials situation arises and it is KO or be KO'd, I would try and hit Robert Cessna with a folding chair. Which is a shame, because he's a super nice guy.

cuppy: Since I am not beating anyone in combat, unless it involves throwing bowling balls at each other or math, I would pick Billy Liucci. I think this fight would generate the most attention and clicks close wounds. Plus sideline passes and fealty from the SID would please me if I get a fluke win.

3. What does it all mean?

-@winky99

thacktor: You're asking an SB Nation blog what it all means? Grasshopper, you haven't even begun to explore meaning if this is where your journey starts. But since you asked, I think it all means that we're all put on this planet together to do work together to make things better. That or drink beer and watch college football. If I fart into your super cushy couch and nobody hears or smells it, did it happen? Meditate on that, son.

Rush: The answer can be found by watching the movie Road House backwards while consuming peyote and listening to Mozart.

Chuck: Not sure, we'll ask tomorrow in a Daily Bull poll.

4. You have to stop being an Aggie sports fan. And you can only choose from one of the following schools to become a fan of their program. Who do you choose?

Texas
Florida State
Ohio State
USC (Southern Cal)

-Shooter Flatch

thacktor: USC all day. It's the sweaters, really. Also, sick fight song.

Rush: Florida State. All the righteous indignation of Aggie fans with the added bonus of a stronger football history.

Chuck: Ohio State, because I am angry, obese, and addicted to cheese. I would fit in.

cuppy: Texas. I KNOW but I really like going to sporting events in person as long as it's football. Plus, I am good at being an annoying fan so I can make them look bad on the internet and have fun doing it. I also know everything about them, so I don't have to do any extra studying.

5a. Where exactly is the weak link in our baseball team, defensively? I'm rather unfamiliar with baseball, but our offense is usually prolific... and we're still dropping games (albeit to good teams) that seem winnable.

-Ty

thacktor: That's just the way baseball go.

Rush: We should try to stop the other team from scoring so many runs while simultaneously maintaining our high scoring output and also have the fans blow lots of bubbles in the stands and have quirky superstitions.

Chuck: Injuries to our pitching staff came at a very inopportune time. After tearing up the beginning of the season, we found ourselves without some of our top pitching talent during conference play when we needed it most.

5b.  Would you rather wrestle one Jay Arnold-sized duck, or 100 duck-sized Jay Arnolds?

-Ty

thacktor: Give me the 100 duck-sized Jay Arnolds. I've always wanted to know how many of those it would take to bring me down, and now you've presented me with an opportunity. The real question is, do these Jay Arnolds weigh as much as a duck, or are they more human like in their density. Kicking 100 ducks running at you wouldn't be that big of a deal, but around the 20th dense duck, your legs will tire and your feet will begin to swell. Then you're going to have to start working your knees, giving the Jay Arnolditas time to start climbing and overpowering your body in numbers. That's when it's all over, man. Nobody wants to be choked out by an army of tiny Arnolds.

Rush: Definitely one Jay Arnold-sized duck. Ducks aren't MMA fighters. Most ducks aren't anyway.

Chuck: Most people don't realize that Jay Arnold already is the size of a duck. The pads and cleats and stuff make him look a lot bigger though. Pretty impressive skillset for a defensive lineman that only weighs 7 pounds. NFL draft analysts are concerned that if he weighs the same as a duck then he's made of wood and is therefore a witch.

*****

Thanks again to everyone who sent in questions. If you didn't see yours here today, don't worry. We're breaking these up into digestible bites and we've got a running list of questions. Keep 'em coming to gbh@sbnation.com.