Graduation Speech to Aggie Graduates from Good Bull Hunting

We heard that the Fightin' Texas Aggie Class of 2015 did not have a proper speaker at graduation. To fix this problem, we parodied that Baz Luhrmann "Wear Sunscreen" video from when the graduating seniors were about six years old. Enjoy.

Words to "Wear Your Aggie Ring"

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '15

Wear your Aggie Ring.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, your Aggie ring would be it. The long-term benefits of wearing your ring have been proved by Aggie careers, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than what I read on TexAgs. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and rage of being an Aggie. Oh, nevermind. You will not understand the power and rage of your being an Aggie until the Board of Regents changes a tradition for no reason. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at zoo threads you posted on and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much outrage lay before you and how truly righteous you really felt.

You are not as classy as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or know that worrying is as effective as trying to defend a wheel route by learning under Mark Snyder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you like Alabama on some idle Saturday.

Do one thing every day that scares Facebook.

Don't be reckless with other people's recruits. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Tweet.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you have Sumlin, sometimes you have Fran. The race is long and in the end, it's only with your brand. Remember games you won, forget the losses. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your secret newsletters, delete your old FOIA eligible emails.

Whoop.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know if you want to play the Longhorns. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they were missing by not having that game. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of wide receivers. Be kind to your QBs. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll tailgate, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get season tickets, maybe you won't. Maybe you abandoned all hope for the team in 2005, maybe you'll saw varsity’s horns off at A&M’s 75th national championship. Whatever you do, don't take undeserved credit for what a bunch of teenagers did. Or sell yourself short, either. Your choices are hundred year decisions, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your student body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it, it's the greatest fanbase you'll ever know. Wildcat, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room.

Read the headlines on Facebook, even if you don’t click on them.

Do not read Orangebloods threads, they will only make you feel angry.

Get to know your seniors, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your Aggie Family, they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that coaches come and go, but a precious few you should hold on to. Work hard to bridge the gaps in salary and facilities. For the crappier your team gets, the more you need the people you knew when you were winning.

Live in Dallas once but leave before it makes you fake. Live in Houston once but leave before it makes you obese.

Mug down.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Traditions will change, Aggies will bitch, you too will become Old Army, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young traditions were immutable, Aggies were reasonable, and New Army respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect to win. Maybe your team has luck, maybe there’s time left on the clock. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 you’ll look like you’re in the Corps.

Be careful whose recruiting info you buy, and be impatient with those who supply it. Paywalls are a form of redundancy, selling info is a way of squeezing cash out of news you can get on Twitter, hedging bets, glossing over negative news, and selling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the Aggie ring.