PETITIONS. PARLIAMENT. PITCHFORKS. The A&M Board of Regents met in their robes and cloaks yesterday under the guise of offseason. Agenda included:
- Suppressing the Metric System
- Victim propaganda for leaking to TexAgs on why the University of Texas is bad for business
- Interesting oil hedging opportunities
- Redesigning the university's seal in hopes of being lauded as university heroes
- You're a millionaire now! Nice. Once you've paid off all your agents and handlers, treat yourself to something opulent yet tasteful. Ideas: a trip to Mars or a Waffle House franchise.
- Roger Goodell is going to hug you. Like you're boys or some shit. This man is NOT your friend. He makes nearly $50mm per with only minor head trauma. He exists on this earth to protect the assets of billionaires and pinch every bit of entertainment out of your soul for the lowest price. Welcome to the Shield!
- Uh oh. You were drafted by Buffalo. Trust me - not as cool as it sounds. Where is Buffalo? Hell if you know. Florida State protected you from challenging courses like chemistry and geography. Hey, it could be worse. Cleveland did pass on you after all.
- The temptation will be there to get loose after the draft on some grass and prosties. Don't take the bait. That squealy redhead you hugged earlier? He's watching. He LOVES an opportunity to make an example out of a gifted bad ass like yourself. Stick to the Chandon and groupies.