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Daily Bull 4.30.15

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"And I may not be normal, but nobody is, so I'd like to say 'fore I'm through / I'd have to be crazy, plumb out of my mind , to fall out of love with you" - Willie Nelson

Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

SAW EM OFF, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.

PETITIONS. PARLIAMENT. PITCHFORKS. The A&M Board of Regents met in their robes and cloaks yesterday under the guise of offseason. Agenda included:

  • Suppressing the Metric System
  • Victim propaganda for leaking to TexAgs on why the University of Texas is bad for business
  • Interesting oil hedging opportunities
  • Redesigning the university's seal in hopes of being lauded as university heroes
AGGIES LOVE CHANGE. As you can imagine, the masses lost it. Petitions. Rants. TAEKS. Bevels and elbows were thrown. As organizations with endless egos and buckos are wont to do, the regents can't leave well enough alone and need to leave their urine stench on as much stuff as possible. All in all, we'll all be OK. I think. Here are other SEC seals. I liked our buddy Telco's piece here. A lot of proud history.

DRAFTAGE. The analysts are like high school recruiting services - only less creepy and deranged! To the players that will be drafted tonight in Round 1. Some tips from the top:
  • You're a millionaire now! Nice. Once you've paid off all your agents and handlers, treat yourself to something opulent yet tasteful. Ideas: a trip to Mars or a Waffle House franchise.
  • Roger Goodell is going to hug you. Like you're boys or some shit. This man is NOT your friend. He makes nearly $50mm per with only minor head trauma. He exists on this earth to protect the assets of billionaires and pinch every bit of entertainment out of your soul for the lowest price. Welcome to the Shield!
  • Uh oh. You were drafted by Buffalo. Trust me - not as cool as it sounds. Where is Buffalo? Hell if you know. Florida State protected you from challenging courses like chemistry and geography. Hey, it could be worse. Cleveland did pass on you after all.
  • The temptation will be there to get loose after the draft on some grass and prosties. Don't take the bait. That squealy redhead you hugged earlier? He's watching. He LOVES an opportunity to make an example out of a gifted bad ass like yourself. Stick to the Chandon and groupies.
MORE DRAFT. The scientists at SB Nation developed this cool machine that generates a draft scouting soundbite on YOU. This is literally the exact thing cuppycup said to me during my performance review at Hooters last year:

Have a nice Thursday, gang. Your presence is the seal on our hearts.