Who doesn’t love a bowl game? If you’re not raising your hand, just stop reading. It’s the end of the season, and in 10 weeks, we’ll all be itching for the slightest hint of football. Soak it up, this is the last game for a while, and then we have to go back to friggen Twitter and all the mess that comes out of that. If you need me during the offseason, I’ll be in a bunker stocked with a year’s supply of diapers, Topo Chico, and Cheese Puffs; watching Manziel’s Heisman season on repeat until the door automatically unlocks in August.
For now, we must focus on the opponent at hand, the Louisville Cardinals. My knowledge on this team is super limited, but I do know that one Charlie Strong made a name for himself there, and that their new uniforms look like they were designed by West Coast Customs for a weird "Pimp My Ride Uniform" episode.
Lots of great things have come out of the state of Kentucky. Bourbon? Awesome stuff right there. Nice job, Kentucky. The Derby? An excuse to drink bourbon mixed with sugar and mint while men with eating disorders beat the ever living snot out of a majestic creature to take credit for winning a race. Sounds like a party. Blue people?
In preparation for the Franklin American Mortgage Coca Cola Netflix Cialis Luke Bryan Music City Bowl, I’ve spent a few hours today watching episodes of the television phenomenon "Nashville" on Hulu. Let me tell you, if the drama on the field captures at least 10% of the hot country music action I saw on the screen today, we’re in for a game we won’t soon forget.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION: NASHVILLE EDITION
Kyler Murray, under new management at the Oklahoma label, sequesters himself in a hotel room in Norman and begins to write country music. His first single, "If My Daddy Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy" quickly reaches 2,000,000 views on YouTube by halftime of the game. Upon reading the comments, he realizes he lost his way and begs for a trip to Nashville to become Sumlin’s number one guy for the second half, if only a loophole existed for him to do so.
But the new hotness has arrived, and Jake Hubenak is sitting pretty behind his loyal band of offensive linemen, who’ve been rejuvenated to play with a guy who used to wear a Hutch Aggie uniform and call plays from his living room. In the Music City, Jake runs the offense like a pro and brings back that up-tempo, high-octane pace that tired out defenses under Manziel.
In the post game presser, Jake’s mustache announces that it will be releasing an album in August 2016 titled "Rides to Atlanta are On Me".
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Kenny "Trill" Hill
QB1: This junior's well on his way to becoming one of the more prolific record holders in Aggie signal-calling lore. And what a great and dedicated mentor he's been to the two superstars backing him up. Just an all-around consistent and stand-up guy. We're lucky to finally have a seasoned upperclassman leading the offense.
Kyle "Talon" Allen
QB2: They say the middle child is actually going to be the best team player. He's battled through a couple of minor well-documented injuries, but look for him to have another breakout post-season performance after his bowl game MVP showing last year. He loves playing in the State of Tennessee, so good thing this Arizona boy is in the SEC to stay.
QB3: He's the youngest of the gunslinging trio, but you wouldn't know it by the maturity he displays on and off the field. The consummate team player is humble and grounded and doesn't mind sharing the spotlight one bit. He may be limited to situational packages, but he'll make the most of it and quietly go about his business.
QB: The freshman signal caller was just one of a few to share duties under center, but he led the team in passing and rushing. He's mostly used in run/pass option situations, the hallmark of Bobby Petrino's offense
CB: Led the team with four picks, including one returned for a touchdown. Should be interesting to see who he's assigned to cover between Speedy and Kirk. Oh. Scratch that. Maybe Reynolds. Who knows? Oops, delay of game, offense.
LB: One other thing we have in common with Louisville apart from being in the Music City Bowl: TCU transfers at linebacker. Theirs has been pretty productive: 19 tackles for loss this year and ten QB hurries. Too bad he's got to go up against such a mauling offensive line and a trio of fleet-footed quarterbacks.
OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
--Louisville native Hunter S. Thompson
Football season. Four foul months of empty hope and stale promises; a faltering beast plowing through a river flooded with our worst fears and washed over with ridicule and pain. It started out innocently enough: that bright and wondrous evening in the fetid asphalt bayous of Houston. Even the memories of South Carolina couldn't dampen that high: it was defense, and freshmen playmakers on offense. "Totally different from 2014" we said, and believed it, and crammed another link of football sausage into our maws.
Roll through September and the hollow non-cons, then another OT win over the vicious and heavy-breathing Pigs, drooling lava all over our confidence until another Freak Sumlin Comeback ensures the win. Then October. Oh, October, you cruel bitch. The meat of that month rotted the flesh on our bones and smothered our dreams with chloroform and ether: swimming in the delirium of confusion and the damned. Nowhere to go but up until we went further down instead.
Now November and the weeping finish. The once-proud offense impotent against LSU, who remains on that tier above, stepping on our fingers with hobnailed go-go boots each time we attempt to climb up. All that's left is the December Redemption once again: find a new hero on offense and try to erase the frantic, sweaty nightmares of the past few months with the memories of one cool and unmarked Tennessee day.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
SIX DEGREES OF BURNT ORANGE NATION
The Fightin’ Texas Aggies are playing (1) Louisville, a school formerly coached by (2) Howard Schnellenberger who left to coach a flagship program, the (3) Oklahoma Sooners. OU was once also coached by (4) Barry Switzer, estranged father of (5) James Gardner, who is a founder, editor, and OG at the greatest website of all time (6) Good Bull Hunting.
The Aggies opened as a 2 point favorite over the Cardinals before a series of unfortunate events swung the spread decidedly in Louisville’s favor. Just like in the movies, look for the good guys to embrace their underdog status and rally around the unlikely, scrappy hero figures of Jake Hubenak and backup QBs Connor McQueen, Christian Kirk, and Mike Matthews.
Alternatively, look for a confused, disorganized team with thousands of distractions to get their teeth kicked in by a focused ACC team flying under the radar. Could go either way, really.
Turn this bowl into a grim, Aggie-themed "Hi Bob." Drink* every time the broadcast shows Kyle Allen. Or Kyler Murray. Or someone says the word "transfer". Or the word "disappointing". Or Jake Spavital’s job security is discussed. Or you question every decision you have made in your life that has led to your mental health relying on the decisions of coaches and actions of teenagers miles away playing a game.
*Good Bull Hunting does not advocate, encourage, or condone binge drinking. These statements are made in jest and should be treated as such. Never emulate bloggers as a life rule. Consider turning off your phone or computer and going outside where there are trees and sky and happiness. At the very least never go on Facebook.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#20 LSU VS. TEXAS TECH
An offense led by Kliff Kingsbury goes up against a rushing attack featuring Leonard Fournette in the First Annual Bowl Of Things I Wish I Had.
AUBURN VS. MEMPHIS
Nothing says "early lunch Wednesday" like an 11 AM matchup between a Todd Graham disciple and a team that actually misses Will Muschamp.
NC STATE VS. MISSISSIPPI STATE
"belk" is the noise you make when you wake up with acid reflux or try to change the channel to this game.
#3 MICHIGAN STATE VS. #2 ALABAMA
What happens when an immovable object meets another immovable object and christ will someone please at least kick the ball the game started twenty minutes ago.
#13 NORTHWESTERN VS. #23 TENNESSEE
It doesn't matter what I write here because you can't stop thinking about the rankings of these two teams and how you thought this was our year.
#14 MICHIGAN VS. #19 FLORIDA
B1G football and the best offense the SEC East has to offer will get your system pretty backed up, but BWW should clear you out again and right quick.
#16 OKLAHOMA STATE VS. #12 OLE MISS
Two exciting teams that should make for a great New Year's Day match. It's a difficult pick, but in an event held in New Orleans the advantage is with the Rebels since the Oxford municipal water supply has bourbon in it
PENN STATE VS. GEORGIA
Witness a holiday classic come to life as Georgia learns the true meaning of Christmas after a visit from the Ghost Of Lost Coach Future.
KANSAS STATE VS. ARKANSAS
The Memphis fairgrounds is an appropriate location for this game that should honestly be played in a steel scrapyard surrounded by flames and cars with their headlights on.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY MAROON U
Wednesday in Nashville is going to be chilly with showers so you'll need a little more than your lucky maroon tee. Wait, don't transfer just yet, this Drytec half zip jacket may be the crucial layer you need to fight off a cold that will take you out of play for New Year's. Although you could use that cold as an excuse to sit at home and watch the CFB Playoff.
Either way, you're going to want to buy this jacket and enter the contest because, like quarterbacks, you can never have too many things from MaroonU.
Enjoy the game, BTHO Louisville, and Happy New Year.
Enter to win a FREE Texas A&M Drytec Half Zip from MaroonU by completing the form below.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Hubenak throws a pretty ball to a lot of receivers for a ton of points. A running game is established early, Aggies control the ball. Chavis has his crew ready to play, and the defensive line dines. I make the decision to have a responsible New Years Eve where I prep healthy meals for the week while casually sipping red wine.
Chaos. McQueen transfers at halftime. Chavis douses himself in gasoline and lights himself on fire in protest. I make plans for a New Years bender resulting in my ringing in 2016 by regaining consciousness on a freighter to Haiti.
The A&M QB room is nicknamed "The Waffle House" #GBHTailgate
The music city bowl teams are staying at our hotel so I'm on the hunt for my next boyfriend
So Kyler Murray came into lululemon today while I was working and there was several A&M fans in there. You could taste the salt in the air
MERRY CHRISTMAS!! To quote Clark Griswold: When Santa squeezed his fat as* down the chimney, hope he found the jolliest bunch-o A-holes!
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.