THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M at Texas

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Malik Jefferson

LB: This outstanding playmaker was a Texas A&M lean the entire time and never wavered, despite the urging of Daylon Mack to join him at Texas. The Ags lucked out on this one in stealing him from "rival" LSU.

Kris Boyd

DB: This dynamic corner was so excited about playing for the Ags that he retweeted his commitment at halftime of a game Texas was losing. SUPER AGGIE.

Holton Hill

DB: Was already saying "from the outside looking in" before he even got to campus. The Aggies were in dire need of corners, so nabbing this duo was huge.

Daylon Mack

DT: The top defensive tackle in the latest class will fit right into the Longhorn defense. Unfortunately, he couldn't convince his buddy Malik to join him.

Kyler Murray

QB: In a move that shocked virtually everyone, the best QB in Texas high school history broke from family tradition and chose Texas. Expect his undefeated streak to continue.

Keaton Sutherland

OL: The Texas offensive line has been decimated in recent years, so it was a savvy move for Joe Wickline to snag this big prospect to start rebuilding.

Kingdom of Burnt Orange Roses

A 100% Longhorn Film Commemorating the Rose Bowl National Championship Ten Years Later

Directed by Wes Anderson
Produced by Richard Linklater

Appearing exclusively on Longhorn Network from Dec. 1, 2015 to Jan. 31, 2016 daily at 3, 6, and 9 p.m.

[Official trailer: narrated by Brent Musburger]

But in life's broader context, the fandom. Orangebloods is merely the expression of fear. Posters fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive poster only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower. A flower of taeks.

Coach Brown once said to me, "I want us to be completely open and say yes to everything - even if it's shocking and painful. Can we agree to that?"

[McConaughey]: "Alright now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the Trojan that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome."

Life riddles. Thrown askew into a metaphor called American football. Melancholy, isn't it? But for the dolphins. No, not Miami. With love, Austin.

Longhorn loves lost. Per chance was it Wimbledon? Was it Perth? Did it ever exist at all? Drunk on brand we were. Around the world with Gene and Greg. First Arabia, then Macau. Say it, won't you? Vagaries have no place when your best friend is bitten in half by a Sooner.

There was Rose. Only truly appreciated once all had died. Belmont. King Dodds. Sojourns to Ames now fruitless. Did the tomes of yesteryear aptly articulate my grandeur? And this fedora - whimsical?

Maybe the Big 12 was the blanket we craved all along. Tattered and torn, sure, but uniquely owned within our own repository.

Destroying Trojans.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR

New Significant Others

The last time these two schools met they were coached by old men past their prime. One coach was a dynasty-builder whose place in the school's history was already secure, and as a result he let himself go a bit and got a little soft, particularly in the entitlement area and the love handles. The other coach was a former NFL great who had found himself a nice eggy community to retire in, and he was happy so long as they didn't schedule any night games or second halves that had him staying up past 7. He missed a lot of Matlock in those days.

Now it's time to brag about our new boyfriends. That's cute that yours has core values. Ours has a helicopter, it's no big deal though. Oh yours won a BCS bowl once? Well ours... Heisman... you know what shut up! GOD YOU CAN BE SUCH A BITCH SOMETIMES.

Poor Longhorns

While neither of these teams is lighting up the CFB playoff watch, on paper this is a rough match up for the burnt orange. While their secondary should be equal to the task of stopping the misfiring A&M passing game, mismatches in the trenches and a sputtering offense could spell a long day for Texas. Though the athletic director has given Charlie Strong the infamous vote of confidence, this program is looking for signs of life after being called a bunch of little girls by Ted Cruz. As an Aggie just be glad that we didn't do something monumentally stupid like convince ourselves that not playing Texas during their worst period in decades was somehow a good idea. What an Aggie joke that would be!

Hate

Break ranks tomorrow and give thanks for something truly worthwhile: hate. Not "oh those LSU guys are real jerks sometimes and they drink a lot and swore near my niece." Real hate. The kind of hate where you agree to give a former Longhorn employee a reference and then tell a prospective employer that he exposed himself in the copy room. The kind of hate where you set up a Craigslist ad seeking "enthusiastic pegging partner" and leave your burnt orange neighbor's home address and a time that coincides with his daughter's first communion party. The kind of hate where you offer to give a drunk Longhorn a ride home and then leave him passed out in front of a police station in a small town with a bag of coke and pictures of the Sheriff's wife.

"Missed you Longhorns. Glad to have you back. Now go fornicate with yourself."
- Gen. George S. Patton

ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC

ARKANSAS @ #15 LSU

Nothing brings to mind the holidays more than watching college football rivals face off for their traditional Thanksgiving matches, and these two teams would never let anything stop them from playing this week. But were you aware that they were not always conference-mates? It's true! In fact, until 1992 these two teams had never played in the same conference before, meaning that two teams felt that they could maintain a rivalry despite not being in the same conference. Who ever heard of such foolishness?

Anyway, LSU's rushing offense is unstoppable this season, so look for the Tigers to give the Razorbacks the ol' Golden Boot this year.

HOT REELZ