I'M NOT BITTER
No, I’m not bitter. I’m not going to get online and just spew venom for venom’s sake. You know why I’m not going to do that? Because I’m not bitter, that’s why. I’m totally fine with the fact that the Aggies have struggled to put up points in three out of the last four games. I’m also totally fine with the Aggies losing three out of the last four games.
I’m fine with all of this because I’m not bitter and football is just a game. It’s just a game played by college students that I only watch for entertainment. The "entertainment" comes from watching two teams battle it out while their coaches determine different strategies for these finely tuned athletes. I always cheer for the Aggies. They're from Texas A&M and I have a degree from there, so I'm most familiar with their traditions. If you went to another school, I bet you cheer for them. You probably think they're the best, but I respectfully disagree with your views on fandom. Look how civil we are. Let us watch the game.
Generally, the team with the best overall athletes and strategy wins the game. There is no emotional investment, because that would be an absurd thing. Becoming emotionally invested in a sports team is not logical, and therefore I’m not bitter.
I’m also not bitter because this week we get to play a challenging opponent named Western Kentucky University. You know that team with the wacky mascot from the ESPN commercials! Big Red! He couldn’t get into the car and stuff. They sometimes play basketball in March. The Hilltoppers are 8-2 in Conference USA this year, and look to be a somewhat formidable opponent for the Aggies… wait, what?
Shit. We’re playing Western Carolina? Well I'm not typing another intro.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
"Wacky intro statement," says Coach Kevin Sumlin to his team while doing something mildly absurd.
"Comment that sets up a joke on your absurd action, Coach." responds well-known player, hilariously.
"I’ll continue the humorous tone," says other well-known player or coordinator.
"Hell, I might lose my job any day now!" says yet another coordinator.
"Smooth and cocky line," says Sumlin. "Smooth and cocky line said again for emphasis, tying this motherfucker together."
Aggies - Points
Not a High School Anymore - Less Points
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Will get 16 tackles, and we'll get excited until we realize they were all on run plays and he missed at least five more.
Will have 4 catches for 35 yards or so but also rack up a hundred free yards on numerous kickoff returns.
Will throw three picks and then go out with injury.
QB: The Houston native is on track to break the school record for total offense. Is an intensely focused individual.
DE: Their leading pass rusher has made eight stops behind the line and racked up 4.5 sacks. Licking his chops at a chance against the Aggies' spotty OL.
LB: This cat already has 100+ tackles on the season so he'll probably make his share of plays. Stuffs the run.
OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO
The Aggieland Diaries by David Sedaris
Upon His Visits to the Agricultural & Mechanical College of Texas Over the Years
The best-selling essayist and Western Carolina alum sometimes travels via wormhole to Texas A&M, where he immerses himself in the Aggie Experience and has thus far penned the following memoirs:
UNSULLIED. One night David unwittingly discovers that the statue of Lawrence Sullivan Ross will speak to people in the voice of Rue McClanahan if you utter the secret phrase twelve times right at midnight.
ROYAL CLASS. David attends a special ceremony at Buckigham Palace whereby the Queen of England bestowed upon all Aggies a special citation for Exemplary Classiness one day in 1971.
SOMETIMES A GREAT COMMOTION. How David inadvertently helped shape the Big 12 Conference while working as a Dallas hotel caterer in the early 1990s.
TINY DOG LADY. On the time David accidentally shrank Reveille using a neutron collider in the campus physics labs and his frantic struggle to re-embiggen her.
LET'S BE ABSOLUTELY FRANK ABOUT THE FORWARD PASS. How it was invented one day in 1911 by Uncle Charley Moran on accident when an opossum ran across the practice field.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Controversy About Coach
Your message board friends agree that coach is a bum. its ok though because other message board says hes on his way out. he will definitely be replaced with someone better because everyone who is not currently on staff is better. why did we have him in the first place when everyone else is better. everyone else is definitely better though and this wont be a mistake.
Controversy About Quarterback
Quarterback succeeded early but had disastrous results mid-season. other-quarterback is flashy young freshman phenom who won first start and is definitely the savior and future of the team. it is definitely not 2014. other-other-quarterback is a seasoned journeyman and serviceable backup. other-other-other-quarterback is a ginger and so might be possessed of the foul humours.
Interesting Fact About Opponent
there is a little known tidbit about opponent which helps you understand them and their place in the college football universe. it is both compelling and teaches you how even the lesser opponents are worth respecting, because we all remember what they did to big state program a few years back, right. but it's ok, because there is also a joking way to look at opponent which reminds us all that this is a cupcake game and we should win.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
This week the SEC features a top 20 matchup between #2 Alabama and #17 Mississippi State, which promises to- [checks notes]... interesting. A team that was beaten by Texas A&M is currently in the top 20, because we live in a whimsical world. Look for MSU to be the national hero that eliminates the SEC's playoff hopes, only to have Florida back into a spot at the last minute on a blocked PAT one point safety against FSU.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY MAROON U
WINTER IS COMING
The expected high temperature is 65 degrees on Saturday. For a native Texan, this is equivalent to someone from upstate New York sitting on a throne of popsicles in Oymyakon, Russia. Bundle up with this Texas A&M Columbia Flannel from MaroonU. A versatile, soft and snuggly flannel top will pair well with cargo shorts and tights (plus boots).
We should aim to pull off the world's largest flannel gathering in history at Kyle Field on Saturday. Seattle is the world's #1 flannel city so let's steal this from them to return the favor for 12th Man. The flannel world record is incredibly easy to break. We need more than 1,090 people wearing two plaid-patterned items to the game. That is the same number of people who stayed through the 4th quarter last week.
Congrats to Raul F. for winning last week's Columbia Fishing Shirt!
Enter to win a FREE Texas A&M Columbia Flannel from MaroonU by completing the form below.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
The Aggies come out free and easy in a night game where they should win and win big. Sumlin has these guys hyped up to just kick the everliving shit out of an inferior opponent, and that's just what happens.
I am attacked by a bear while watching the game in my living room.
Western Carolina University is only 5 miles away from the nearest Waffle House. A travesty. #GBHTailgate
Western Carolina is similar to South Carolina in that it is in Carolina, but it is farther west. #GBHTailgate
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.