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GBH WATCHLIST: Week 5

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Is 11 a.m. too early for couch fires?

hey gurl
hey gurl
Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

We all pretty much agree that Jimmy won for choosing the craziest game last week with his choice of TCU vs. Texas Tech. Kliff is bringing back the "weird shit happens" aura to Lubbock (where it belongs and can be responsibly contained, thankfully) and for that we love him even more. We've got a couple more Big 12 games this week so we can keep an eye on potential conspiracies. They should pair nicely with some SEC and Pac-12 shows and the B1G early bird.

Doug

West Virginia at Oklahoma

11:00am Saturday
Fox Sports 1

At first glance, West Virginia and Oklahoma seem to be a study in contrasts. Lush, mountainous Appalachia juxtaposed with the barren plains of tornado alley. Yet they've been bound together in conference matrimony by the Big XII in the most Oklahoma and West Virginia way possible: A shotgun marriage. And this one might work out, if for no other reason than the shared heritage of the three M's of the American redneck holy trinity: Mobile homes, Moonshine, and Meth.

On the gridiron, the 2015 editions of the Sooners and Mountaineers are also kindred spirits. Two teams that, in typical Big XII fashion, are built on a foundation of explosive-as-a-meth-kitchen offenses but can also force a punt on occasion. Unlike some - okay, pretty much all - of their conference brethren. Look for everyone's spirit animal Dana Holgorsen to chug sideline Red Bulls and DC Tony Gibson's 3-3-5 defense to continue to impress as the 'eers cover the 7 points.

Pour yourself some white lightning before noon on Saturday and enjoy morning non-B1G football. Remember, kids... "Purdue Football. Not even once."

Dr. Norris Camacho

MINNESOTA @ NORTHWESTERN
11AM BTN

Did anyone predict that these two squads would have a combined one loss (to #3 TCU, close) in October? Surely there is one person somewhere. A very vocal person clamoring for validation online. Well, you deserve it, if you exist.

[inhales deeply, prepares for awkward segue]

Speaking of existing, these two defenses do. These are some salty teams that will knock the shit out of you. As mentioned before, Minnesota gave TCU all they wanted, and Northwestern beat Stanford and a peppy Duke team in Durham. This could be treat at the 11 AM slot if you like games that end in twilight at 2:30 PM.

THINGS TO LOOK FOR:
  • Jerry Kill impassioned speech
  • "GRITTY" and bonus points if the text "GRITTY" shows up on the TV
  • Pat Fitzgerald player pic look at that neck roll and midriff
  • Some crazy trophy that this game that you never knew existed
  • It's probably a sausage made of straw
  • Or an ice sculpture of a pitchfork made out of lake ice
  • If you play those BTN commercials with Kirk Ferentz in them backwards you will see visions of a technicolor purgatory and it doesn't look that bad all the minions seem mostly happy and smiling blankly
Enjoy the game and consume BTN responsibly. Hope you like Jimmy John's commercials.

thacktor

Texas Tech @ Baylor
2:30 PM Saturday
ABC

TCU got lucky last week. Yeah, I said it. If Kliff Kingsbury turns down one hottie that's fallen into his lap over the past decade of being Kliff Kingsbury, the luck might have been in Tech's favor on Saturday. As it is, he's had one too many a love-stricken lass for karma to have delivered the Red Raiders a victory against the Texas Christians. The tipped pass TD and 10-yards short of HOLY SHIT FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN was God's way of showing us all what the Rolling Stones really meant.

But, if you try sometimes, you get what you need. This week ol Kliffy is taking the boys to Arlington to face the Baylor Bears. Against this squad the Karmic balance may be leaning in Tech's favor. All the crap going on in Waco aside, Baylor ain't played nobody. Tech, however, took TCU to the friggen wire. This will be a shootout, and whatever the o/u is set at: take the over. I'm thinking we get a great, pissed off Briles presser after this one. Get yer damn guns up, I'm lightly penciling in a Tech victory. How's that for a confident pick?

oscarwildecat

Arkansas @ Tennessee
6:00 PM Saturday
ESPN 2

I've always been of the belief that you learn most about someone when they're trapped in a corner. Be it the foibles that life thrusts upon you, my dog after eating an expensive throw pillow, or R. Kelly in the closet, character is often revealed in the most tense of moments.

Which brings us to a pair of rather frustrated land animals backed into a proverbial corner.

One one side stands BERT. He is large, he has a hairline/headphone confluence that rivals anything God has ever created, and he signed a rather large contract extension seven months ago. He also currently sits at 1-3 with the majority of his team injured and a schedule that includes Alabama, Ole Miss, and LSU over the next 5 weeks.

On the other side is BUTCH. He also sports a haircut that would have gotten his ass kicked on a small-town playground circa 1957, he likes to attract ALL the recruits, and then proceed to lose ALL of the 4th quarters. His program currently stands at 2-2, with Georgia and Alabama the next two games on the schedule.

The loser of this game enters a 2015 death spin that is most likely unrecoverable, while the winner can briefly take solace in their last win for a month.

GOOD LUCK YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARDS.

Chuck

ARIZONA STATE @ #7 UCLA, 6:30 PM, FOX

SEC dark-horse candidate South Carolina opened the 2014 season with a home loss to "rival" Texas A&M. The Aggies were trilled and crowned as world-beaters and South Carolina put on some sweatpants, put on Weekend At Bernie's 2, and embarked on a BonBon-binging depression cycle that continues to this day. Arizona State entered 2015 as a top ten ranked PAC-12 favorite that Kirk Herbstreit pronounced a CFB Playoff contender. Then they started their season with a loss to Texas A&M followed later by a conference pantsing at the hands of USC. The outlook on the season is grim.

Hey UCLA, guess who you get to open your season against next year?

Yes, this weekend the Bruins are playing the Ghost Of Football Season Future. At the risk of upsetting the natural order of things, here's a trend on a day that isn't Wednesday.

watchlistchart


Shooter Flatch

OREGON @ COLORADO
9:00 pm ESPN


This week the state of Oregon began the legal sale of recreational marijuana as of Thursday.  Colorado legalized recreational marijuana back in 2012.  So the game on Saturday should embrace this kindred spirit between these two Pac-12 mates and go all-in with the #LegalizeIt theme.
- Honorary captains should be Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson.
- While a night game certainly allows the "haze" to settle in over the field in Boulder, they should have kicked this game at4:20 in the afternoon.
- For halftime, both bands should join each other on the field in full robes and throw down a 50 minute jam session of Polyphonic Spree.
- The trophy could be a really nice Waterford crystal bong.
- You're telling me Nike couldn't come up with a sweet-ass marijuana leaf helmet for the Ducks to wear?
- Adam Amin and Kelly Stouffer are handling the call for ESPN, and since nobody knows who the hell they are anyway, they could just constantly sprinkle the broadcast with pot references.  "Say man, you think Coach MacIntyre runs a fake punt here?"  "No, I don't think so man."  "It'd be a lot cooler if he did."
All of this should be done, because the football itself will be lackluster at best.  Oregon is coming off a stankweed of a game against Utah where they got hammered 62-20 at home.  And Colorado is 3-1, but they haven't been relevant on the national scale since Dr. Dre released The Chronic and Friday was in theaters.  So settle in late Saturday night with a tray of brownies and see if the Ducks remember its run, run, pass.  Run, run, pass!  Don't fuck up the rotation Helfrich!