IN THE GARAGE, I FEEL SAFE
This is the big one, folks. The Aggies have invited the mighty Crimson Tide to our big new house to play, and they’ve accepted because it’s on the schedule and they have to. Now, it’s time to put 59-0 behind us and focus on the task at hand - finally beating Alabama at home.
Normally I’d try to come up with some cute and funny things to say about Alabama, but this week I’ve decided to go a different route. You see, earlier this week, an Alabama fan read A&M the riot act live from his garage. I, for one, felt this was too one-sided. It’s easy to espouse blistering takes in an empty car barn whilst casually sipping a Corona. Well, sir, *puts on sunglasses* it’s just as easy to combat your takes from my laptop at home.
Texas A&M, I’ll just give you the bottom line, we’re comin to College Station and we’re gonna whip your ass for 4 damn quarters and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it.
Right out of the gate we can see that Mr. Boltz is on fire. I’m not the biggest fan of the term "we" when talking smack about your college football team. Not to be completely contrarian, but I’m fairly sure there are several things the Aggies could do about the aforementioned ass whipping that is to be bestowed upon them this coming Saturday. Blocking, for one, would be a good start. Scheming might even come into play. Who knows, maybe the Aggies trained in the offseason for just such a potential threat. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing there’ll be a fight.
I’m not gonna beat around the bush like this, we’re gonna plant Kyle Allen on his ass more times than I got fingers. That dude’ll be lucky to make it through this game the way this defense is playing.
Boltz is suggesting, nay, he’s guaranteeing that Alabama is going to more than quadruple the amount of sacks allowed per game by Texas A&M this season. That math makes yet another assumption that Boltz has either more than 10 fingers (bama genetics) or fewer (tried to stop his pickup's radiator fan by hand) available to him for arithmetical purposes. The 6th ranked defense in the country is good, but they’re not 11 sacks in a game good.
You think you got an all world quarterback now, the second coming of Johnny Manziel.
I guess if you made Kyle(r) into one person, you might have a Super-Mutant Johnny. We should totally recruit Super-Mutant Johnny.
You have not faced a defense like this, I don’t care if you’re undefeated. *makes sassy face and head movements, also gets nasal* YOU HAVE NOT FACED A DEFENSE LIKE THIS.
Ole Miss has. Seemed to work out OK for them. Also, their defense isn’t that good and I think they got Alabama to commit 5 turnovers. So, there’s that.
*continues sassy head motions and goofy voice* We will whip your ass all over the field.
Corona: The official beer of redundancy. Just look at their last decade of ads, same shit every year.
That secondary is fired up, they’re on a mission since that Ole Miss game. They haven’t given up SHIT since that Ole Miss game.
*Checks NCAA Defense Ranking for "Team Defense: Shit Allowed Per Game"* Hmm, story checks out.
You think you’re gonna run on us? PSHHHHHHHHHH Nobody has run on us. (proceeds to list opponents who’ve not run on Alabama)
I understand that Spav’s put in the "punt on first down" scheme for you. Enjoy that, sucka. Imma skip ahead because this is going long for a Tailgate.
You’re not gonna be able to stop this Alabama A-Train runnin on offense - clickin on all cylinders. Ask John Chavis if he still has nightmares about TJ Yeldon.
I’ll let you take that up with The Chief after the game. I’d also like to refer you to the case of Myles Garrett vs. Other Offensive Lines.
You stole him from Les Miles, but that’s not gonna help you a damn bit comin… *shakes head* when we come to College Station. God, we’re gonna whip your ass like I said for four damn quarters.
I’m a little lost, exactly how long is this ass whipping going to last?
THERE’S NOTHIN YOU CAN DO TO STOP THIS A-TRAIN! WE’RE GONNA SNATCH A VICTORY FROM YOUR ASS! AND GIVE YOU YOUR FIRST F***ING LOSS! SO HOW THE F*** DO YOU LIKE THAT, TEXAS A&M AGGIES? YA F***IES!
*Checks Ass* I forgot to put the victory there. That’d be a neat magic trick, though. Pulling a victory from our asses and handing it back to us as a loss. Wait, are you David Copperfield?!?! I LOVE MAGIC!
And I got two more words for you…
Yeah, I’ll stop you right there. Here are my two words: You lose.
Aggies - 31
Tide - 27
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
DL: DID YOU KNOW when the Ags went on the road and beat Alabama in 2012, only thirteen players recorded a tackle? #95 is the only player on the current roster who was among them. If he can cause headaches in the interior of the line to free up 10 and 15 to get after the Tide
QB game manager, our chances get a lot better.
RB: The headlines in this game will be grabbed by the receivers and Kyle Allen making plays or Kyler Murray throwing a wrench in Kirby Smart's plans. The dirty work will be done by White coming in to spell Carson without any dropoff in production. Breaking off a couple nice runs won't hurt, though.
DB: #6 is a havoc specialist, and havoc is exactly what the doctor ordered. Havoc is what keeps Nick Saban up sleepless at nights. Even the asymmetrical shape of the word bothers him. HAVOC. We are going to need him both in run support and covering the short routes, which is basically what he thrives on.
RB: Henry is the 2nd-best running back in the SEC behind Fournette in the same way that Jaws 2 is only slightly less perfect than Jaws. Might not have the Sam Quint factor, but he'll still eat a damn helicopter and come right at you even if you're brandishing a trans-Atlantic electrical cable. (Sorry for the spoilers if you've been procrastinating for 37 years.)
LB: Oh look, another Saban-bred linebackerborg. He assembles these each summer out of discarded grayshirt players and surplus aerospace engineering equipment and then nurtures them on a diet of bulk kale juice and turkey salads. Susceptible to the bourbon mists exuded by Ole Miss fans and the decibel overloads of Kyle Field.
QB: "I hold the clipboard in the Alabama football program. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the third quarter if my arm is a little rusty I'll put on an ice pack while doing handoff drills. I can do 1000 now."
OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO
The Fundamentals of Scheming
Bernie Madoff: financial whiz kid, Wall Street predator, and 1950s Alabama fraternity man. But it wasn't all sock hops and made-in-the-shade shenanigans. Young Bernie was quietly cutting his teeth on shady business methods in Tuscaloosa. Extracurricular activities included:
- Importing elephant tusks for use in illicit performance-enhancing substances.
- Approaching brand-new coach Paul Bryant about investing in a Golden Flake-themed restaurant in Tuscaloosa.
- Producing controversial sorority recruiting newsreel that named multiple prominent Auburn administrators as communist sympathizers.
- Financing a massive wholesale distribution of military surplus ham radios so thousands of Tide fans could contact each other; ultimately spawning the phrase "hang up and lissen".
- Collecting funds for a "Spring Break Cuba '57" party cruise despite the obvious impending collapse of the nation.
- Taking surplus ordinary cheerleaders' pom-poms and successfully marketing them to adult men as "shakers" and convincing them they'd look really hip waving them at the games.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
The absurd puppet show that is the 24 hour news cycle (of which GBH is a part, sans the "news") has managed to accomplish the impossible this year. Just like beating the Patriots to death with 'Deflategate', the media took Alabama's early season loss to Ole Miss and used it to somehow turn a perennial favorite into an angry outsider with a chip on its shoulder. Nick Saban resents your implications that he will ever lose a game again. If anyone ever writes the words 'Alabama' and 'lose' in the same sentence again he is drowning this sack of kittens in Bob Holt's sink, dickholes.
The Real Real Twelfth Man
"I visited with Bret over flapjacks and 'breakfast beers' [sic] and we discussed the play that has now become widely reviewed through a brief video clip. Football is played in an intense competitive environment he is unfamiliar with and I reminded him of the need for head coaches to fake a punch reaction like a 10th grade stage combat class, which was his intent. The unsportsmanlike penalty assessed on the play was not directly associated with Bret's efforts to behave like a drunk Little League dad at the end of the play and we are moving forward with a man who makes the rest of the SEC somehow look like they attended finishing school."
"P.S. - Coach Bielema has taken my wallet and won't give it back until I add, 'brew pig sooie.'"
Most Aggies have this recurring nightmare where USC is in the market for a new head coach and sniffs around the dashing Kevin Sumlin for a while before moving on to another amusingly sentimental and inevitably bad hire. Looks like we ate a bad Aggie dog right before bed, because it's happening again. (In my version Lane Kiffin and Pat Haden are doing hot yoga in my laundry room.)
And don't laugh too much, Bammers, because the Ol' Ball Coach's departure has got people thinking about the SEC's finest hunting tradition: poaching on your neighbor's land.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
#8 FLORIDA @ #6 LSU
Last week LSU hosted South Carolina due to the flooding, effectively giving them another home conference game this season. This week Florida's QB Will Grier was suspended for a season for use of banned PED's, potentially throwing Florida's offense into Muschampian disarray right before they head to Death Valley. LSU knows their season will be a battle every week and they are using whatever mojo they have at their disposal to cripple their opponents. On a related note, we now know that a Myles Garrett voodoo doll is actually the size of a Cabbage Patch Kid and weighs 63 lbs.
#GBHTAILGATE IN REAL LIFE
We waited for a top ten matchup to host our first GBH tailgate of the season. Stop by this Saturday before the Texas A&M vs. Alabama football game for free drinks and Texas BBQ while supplies last. Things will start rolling around 10:30 am. We'll be tailgating until the game ends. Be sure to RSVP on Facebook so we can see who's coming to the event.
Please help us thank our generous sponsors and donors by visiting their websites and following them on social media. If you're not already a fan of these brands, you will be after Saturday.
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The leaders in custom products are going to provide GBH Tailgate t-shirts for the event. Get yours while supplies last! Also make sure you Shop the Warehouse and visit MaroonU on gameday.
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Yes, it's Aggieland's home for Hit Country Music. They've been helping us promote the hell outta the GBH Tailgate. Listen to Maverick 100.9 all week to hear our spots and come find the crew on Saturday.
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If you're interested in setting up your own future tailgate or event, contact these guys. They took care of everything we needed for last seasons' tailgates and it was remarkably stress-free. Staking a spot, tents, chairs, TVs with the games, bar service, you name it they can help.
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MAP TO GBH TAILGATE
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY MAROON U
BAMA WEEK. Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet inside MaroonU’s fantastic 2015 Official Sideline Shoes. You’ll be standing for most, if not all, of the football game so stand in style and comfort. Visiting Bammers will opt for Sperrys or barefoot so you’ll want to go in another direction. These lightweight, easy-breathing Adidas Sideline Shoes allow you to go Aggie maroon from head-to-toe or mix things up with the black Speed Trainer.
We’ve neglected your feet for too long in WTW so we’re happy to set things right. Adidas’ Official Sideline Shoes are so beautiful that you’ll one to buy one pair to rock and one to stock.
Enter to win a free pair of Official Sideline Shoes from MaroonU by completing the form below on 10.14.2015. One entry per person.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Like last week, Alabama has first-half woes on offense, but this week it's due to John Chavis giving the boys some crazy defensive packages that make Lane Kiffin's head spin. Garrett, Hall, and Mack allow the offensive line to be replaced with the "3 Mississippi" count to give them a shot in the second half. Tra Carson gets rolling behind a rejuvenated offensive line, and Kyle Allen has time to work his progressions and feed the Aggie WR crew a steady diet of receptions that generate YAC from hell. There's one drive of Kyler Murray fun that results in a 30 yard TD run from the Freshman. Christian Kirk takes a punt to the house. An Ozarka 18-wheeler is seen backing up to the Aggie locker room for an epic post-game celebration.
We have to hear about Alabama's comeback for the rest of the season. Nick Saban's speech to the media last week is replayed after their National Championship win at the end of the season.
Nick Saban will only dress 20 players for the A&M game. The rest will have to dress themselves. #GBHTailgate
It was great working out with olympic 200m breaststroke gold medalist Rebecca Soni...obviously I still have a long ways to go.
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.