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Southern Methodist University Needs a Football Coach

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SMU plays college football against Texas A&M next week. They require the services of a leader.

Cooper Neill

Surprising news dropped out of Dallas Monday afternoon with the sudden, untimely resignation of SMU head football coach June Jones just a mere two weeks into the season. The Mustangs had been outscored in their first two games 88-6 and were entering a bye week looking listless, atrocious, and fit for the glue factory.

Up next on the SMU schedule is a September 20th home game against old Southwest Conference foe Texas A&M. The Aggies' offense has scored a scant 125 points in their first two games. What could possibly go wrong for the Ponies?

Nevertheless, Jones gave himself the death penalty and leaves a once-proud program in need of a unifying leader - and fast.

We're here to help, Ponies. While you refused to credential Good Bull Hunting yet again for media access next weekend, we've decided to take the high road and offer our esteemed, reputable coaching search firm consulting services GRATIS. We've got a helluva Rolodex and have identified a number of dynamic football minds that are available as early as this afternoon's practice to lead this program back to glory and excess. Here is your replacement shortlist:

Houston Nutt

What He Brings

You’re going to need players. Houston Nutt RECRUITS. The man once took 37 guys in one recruiting class forcing the Southeastern Conference to enact new rules. Just think of the possible synergies with your well-heeled, morally bankrupt donors eager for a winner.

I offer you Exhibit A from Nutt's days at Arkansas beating the piss out of Texas at the Cotton Bowl in your fair burgh.

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via cdn0.sbnation.com

Get this man on your sideline in a comically large Stetson and some custom red and blue boots. The wins will follow.

Red Flags

Nutt knows very little about X's and O's, modern football, or anything really. The man brings the sizzle though, and if you're going to be selling some rotted horse meat to the pretentious dickbags in Dallas, it better come with a lot of pomp and sizzle.

Barry Switzer

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via i2.cdn.turner.com

What He Brings

Sure, Houston Nutt can recruit in sheer quantity, but this part of the country has never quite seen a recruiter like one Barry Switzer. While he was at Oklahoma, he essentially tossed a massive lasso around the state of Texas and hauled the finest talent up to Norman. If that ain't salesmanship, I don't know what is. Look, you're SMU. The only time you've amounted to dick is when you were cheating your asses off. Bring in Switzer, rally the bagmen, and operate with the intention of being Dallas' TRUE NFL franchise. Hell, you don't even need to worry about salary caps!

Red Flags

Yes, it's been quite awhile since y'all got the infamous Death Penalty from the NCAA. And yes, that organization is led by paint-huffing dunces. Still, they love taking the moral high road and would certainly keep a close eye on ol' Switzy and the Ponies. Also, Jerry Jones is a vengeful sumbitch. Are he and Switzer on speaking terms? If not, it might not be wise to have them sharing a city again.

Mack Brown

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via assets.sbnation.com

What He Brings

This man was put on earth to talk to deluded, asshole billionaires - AKA, your donors. With him cooing into the ears or your enraged/disenfranchised benefactors, you as the administration can finally get some peace while you try to rebuild this mess.

Red Flags

Mack is getting rather poncy and entitled in recent years. Not sure if he has the drive. Can't X and O his way out of a Pop Warner game.

Rick Neuheisel

What He Brings

If there was ever a cultural fit for SMU, it'd be a guitar-playing, mock-turtleneck-wearing, blonde-haired coach who dabbled in high-stakes recreational gambling and cocaine. This man is you, SMU. Plus, his son is currently on the roster. Y'all love nepotism.

Red Flags

Probation is inevitable, but hell, strike while the iron is hot.

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via gamedayr.com

Craig James

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via i.kinja-img.com

What He Brings

Proud programs often like to bring in a coach who has ROOTS and GETS THE CULTURE of the job. This enterprising man was at the Zenith when SMU was slushing funds and beating the piss out of everyone in Texas. He's folksy in that Dallas way where he'll "aw shucks" you to death while he pillages you out your life savings.

Red Flags

His reputation needs a lot of work. The man got cult hero Mike Leach run out of Lubbock. He then ran for Senate and was completely humiliated and crushed. His SMU days can best be described as "dicey". But F it. He's available, you need a coach, and Texas A&M is going to put this crippled Mustang out its misery if y'all don't heed the advice of GBH Consulting, LLC.

Thank you, we look forward to your call, and always #Rememberthe5.

- The Sirs at Good Bull Hunting.