COMPLETELY UNINFORMED SMACK
It's been a weird offseason. I mean, most of us went out of our way to watch the Browns play the Lions in some HOT PRESEASON FOOTBALL ACTION! Who ever thought they'd say that? Also, who ever thought that shooting the bird at an opponent would make any kind of noise in a league that produces Hard Knocks? There are more f-bombs uttered in 20 min of that show than there are people with access to the SEC Network. That's a lot, y'all. Couple Johnny's NFL debut with some nice off season arrests, dismissals and DAMN URINARY TRACT INJURIES (Seriously, that sucks De'Vante. I'm so sorry.), and you've got yourself one football-less time period to which I gladly bid "adieu."
Not to say there wasn't plenty to celebrate. The Ags have landed top recruits, are halfway done with a $450 million renovation of Kyle Field, and unveiled a football complex that belongs in a director's cut re-re-re-re-re-release of Star Wars in 2035 on HD contact lenses. You know Lucas would've done that shit, too. He'd probably turn Han Solo into a complete boy scout and have him pay for the bounty hunter's dinner before getting shot at, which you all KNOW is complete bull... I'm sorry. I got off track. The offseason will do that.
BUT THAT CRAP IS OVER NOW! IT'S TIME FOR THE AGGIES TO KICK THE SEASON OFF PLAYING ONE OF THE MOST STORIED AND HEATED RIVALRIES IN THE HISTORY OF never. A&M has never played South Carolina once. Not ever. And now the Aggies open on the road to start the season on a brand spankin new network with Kenny Hill, a stout offensive line, some monster running backs, long receivers, A HEISMAN WORTHY PUNTER, and a defense with a chip on their shoulders.
For a long time, the only thing I knew about the University of South Carolina were the infamous three bar hats worn by bros in high school because they "Really like the school, Mom! I'M SERIOUS! OK? GAH!" Yeah, you just happen to love South Carolina and Oregon State. Too bad the gold rush didn't apex in 1869, otherwise there'd have been a lot more rabid San Francisco fans hailing from North Dallas circa 2000.
South Carolina has the most chill, hang-it-in-the-window-of-your-frat-house flag I've ever seen. The only way it would speak to the retiree more is if Jimmy Buffet had co-designed it with Tommy Bahama. That's seriously the only flag I've ever seen that just says, "Hey, come on over and relax. Have a drink or 20, we don't give a shit! It's all palm trees and moon beams over here." No wonder Spurrier loves it there, South Carolina has golf, great beaches, and the highest rate of stroke deaths in the nation. There's a mascot/stroke joke in there somewhere. I think it'd go "Something something Cocks something stroke something dead." Tell that one at your next tailgate, it'll kill.
If you really want to get informed about our new rival and just how damn loaded they are this year, give this great piece a read.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Kevin Sumlin receives a FedEx envelope at his hotel room in Columbia. Upon ripping it open, he finds an 8"x10" glossy photo. It's an image of Manziel's now infamous bird-flipping, but with Spurrier photoshopped in the background donning his failed DC garb. It's signed, "I made this on my iPad in the crapper....I mean Cleveland. Take it. Take it from them. - Johnny." Sumlin gets a magnet and puts it on his mini-fridge, celebrating his progeny's accomplishment in graphic design before a necessary pre game slumber.
On Thursday night, Sumlin walks out to meet Spurrier at the 50 yard line. Spurrier extends a hand, comments on how lovely the evening is, and gets one more jab in about A&M's OOC schedule. Sumlin smiles that charming smile, puts his hands on his hips, leans back and lets out a long, slow laugh. "Not everyone has the balls to play two directional-state schools and Furman. Shaw looked GREAT against Washington's 3rd string, though."
Sumlin turns around to walk off, like one does after a sick burn, and bumps into Cocky, who's been mocking him from behind with some goofy wing-flapping. We all know mascot comedy is a true art form, but Sumlin isn't having any of it. Sumlin rips off Cocky's comb and wattle, throws it at Spurrier's feet and says, "Circumcision, bitch."
And now this week's special guest, Hatin Ass Spurrier.
HATIN' ASS SPURRIER
Judas Iscariot was the first 12th man. Y'all ever think about that?
It is impressive you beat Alabama in year one with the greatest quarterback your school will ever have. I did it with Stephen Garcia, but sure. Y'all be proud.
You kick the bats out of Kyle Field and you've lost the best pass defenders A&M's got.
Queso's just hot cheese soup you eat with triangular spoons made of corn. That make you sad? Well, it is.
"Brazos" is Spanish for "arms," but that river's got a valid concealed carry permit.
Gonna be a real challenge to replace Johnny Manziel, but the cocaine dealers of Texas have faced worse.
Antibiotics don't really work anymore, so good luck with that annual LSU game.
I apologize for all those things I said about your schedule. We've all got our Lamars, our Rices, our Clemsons, our Floridas.
I'd like to see the Texas rivalry renewed. People wanna know who the second and third best teams in the state are.
I wouldn't let Rick Perry get too close to that dog of yours.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
QB: The true sophomore got the nod at starting signal caller, but Kyle Allen will be pushing him hard. No pressure as his first ever start is against a top 10 SEC squad in the stadium from "The Program." Don't sleep on this kid.
RB: All three feature backs will figure to help take the load off a new QB, but Carson's built to be an every down back and can be a punisher late in the game as the defense gets worn down. Hopefully. Maybe. Please?
S: Alright, let's get this out in the open. Time to see what kind of difference Terry Joseph has made in the defensive backfield. You are probably waiting for the wheel route joke but nope nope not gonna go there. Not today.
QB: The fifth-year senior will look to pick up where Connor Shaw left off. Who are a South Carolina fan's top five favorite QBs? Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.
RB: Davis is a beast and the latest in a long line of talented Gamecock running backs. The Aggies' young front seven will be receiving a crash course in defending a solid SEC rushing attack. Mike may miss the game due to injury, but this could also be a confusion tactic from the HBC.
DB: The talented senior can play any position in the secondary and has the most starts of anyone on the defense. And his name kind of sounds like their stadium.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Consider these facts as gleaned from national sports media: 1) It is impossible to score a touchdown without Johnny Manziel. 2) At no point in his career has Kevin Sumlin taken naturally talented athletes and helped them to excel at the quarterback position. 3) Hope is fleeting, the darkness is closing in, everyone dies cold and alone, and you personally will fail to achieve any of your goals in life. Why are you even watching this game? There is no Johnny Football, don’t you understand that? Go. Go now and watch Florida and understand despair.
By now you probably have heard that Texas A&M will be featured heavily in the latest season of Dive Is The New Wheel Route. Prepare yourself for what will likely become a weekly heavy dose of SEC running backs straight up the gut, as you repeatedly re-examine your definition of "bend but don’t break." Two can play at that game though, and A&M boasts one of the most stacked backfields in the country. Confusion should abound for linebackers and announcers alike as A&M spreads out the carries among Tra Carson, Trey Williams, Brandon Williams, Brandon Carson, and William Treyson. As my dad always said, "Trays will brand cars, son." He was a weird guy.
Conference politics makes strange bedfellows. There are few rivalries in college football as cock and bull storied as A&M vs South Carolina, and the night before kickoff they will finally unveil the trophy that this game deserves. This trophy has been described by many national pundits as ‘necessary’ and ‘in no way forced upon fans.’ Expect to see emotions rise to a fever pitch just as soon as either fan base can figure out who James Bonham is or why they should possibly care. Remember, you can’t spell "contrived branding bullshit" without ENNUI.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
At first glance it doesn’t appear that there are that many games going on in the SEC this week - just Temple @ Vanderbilt, Tennessee-Martin @ Kentucky, Arkansas @ Auburn, Southern Miss @ Mississippi State, and Utah State @ Tennessee. Then you realize that is just the lineup of games available on the SEC Network in its first college football weekend EVER. For some perspective, think about this: the SECN will broadcast more live football games in the first two weeks of the 2014 season than the LHN will in its first five years.
If for some reason you change the channel at any point, be sure to check out West Virginia @ Alabama. WV doesn’t have a chance here, which means they will win in dramatic fashion before losing to Iowa State, beating Oklahoma, losing to Kansas, and then scrapping the football program in favor of a Holgo-led water polo squad. Alternatively you can catch Clemson @ Georgia, where no matter what you can be assured that a loss to the other school would be the most Clemson/Georgia thing ever.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY AGGIELAND OUTFITTERS
You Can't Spell Argyle Without Ag
Walk into the club like 'what up, I got a big Cock-Aggie game to watch.' You'll be stuntin' and flossin' with these Texas Aggie Loudmouth Golf shorts from Aggieland Outfitters. Put aside your business casual wear and reward yourself for an offseason of restraint. The GBH-friendly design has no cargo pockets and a sensible knee-length hem. The argyle pattern is also available for ladies and on pants if you forgot to work out or leave the house this summer.
Remember that time we believed Steve Spurrier was going to be our next head coach but Texas A&M hired Mike Sherman? Had that come to fruition, Kyle Field would serve Coors Light instead of Pepsi and Spurrier would have worn these shorts four times a week.
Text GOODBULL to 55000 on 8/25 for a chance to win a pair of these shorts from AO.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Kenny Hill airs it out for 250. Speedy and RSJ are all over the field. The running game is established with over 200 yards of total rushing. Special teams works by getting the Aggies favorable field position all night. Ags hold the Cocks to 10 points due to poor penetration. Giggle.
All cable providers pull their support of the SEC Network at 4:59 PM CST. Riots break out across the South. A plague of locusts descends upon the field. There is no joy. There is no football. We are all doomed to a season of sad.
I'd compose a #GBHTailgate tweet, but I'm stuck in Houston traffic.
The new SC-A&M rivalry trophy is just Rick Perry's mugshot riding a horse, correct? #GBHTailgate
Who let a Big 12 team have the first game on the SEC Network? #GBHTailgate
Before we left the locker room...Fran would say, "Hip-Hip"...and we would say "Hooray!" three times. Terrible.
I'll eat a pair of old Sperrys if the A&M D holds South Carolina under 250 yards rushing.
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.