LET'S GO BOWLING
Sometimes, relationships don't work out. Sometimes you're the one that did the breaking up, but your ex still won't hear the end of it. Sometimes, your ex who won't hear the end of it starts dating someone who is clearly beneath you, but won't shut the hell up about how much better off they are with this new person. Sometimes that new person is from West Virginia and likes to set furniture on fire.
Yes, here we are in our third season removed from the Big XII and we finally get to play the coveted "upgrade" team. Yes, the conference that touted "traditional regional rivalries" and "keeping travel times to a minimum" went out and picked a school so regional and traditional that their state doesn't border another one in its own conference (Iowa doesn't count because Nebraska left). If you gave the entire population of Charleston, WV a ticket to a game at Kyle Field, they would fill up barely more than half the stadium. Yes, that's the largest city in the state. Upgrades, folks.
"The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia" gave us a nice little window into the lives of the state's most infamous family, and I thank Johnny Knoxville and his band of heathens every day for bringing this beautiful film into existence. Now, I know that the Whites aren't WVU alums and I know that they're extreme outliers among the citizenry of West Virginia, but I had to bring them up because if Maime White isn't singing the Star Spangled Banner before the game I'm going to be inconsolable. Her sultry alto tones could drive even the most pious among us to a 15 day meth bender.
Massive props to the people that scheduled the game over lunch on a workday. That's just great for my productivity right there. I'll be taking a long lunch, like most of you, and returning to work reeking of bourbon and chicken wings.
ABSURD GAME PREDICTION
Kevin Sumlin has had one task the last few weeks. Well, he's had many tasks, but the reason the rest of them appear to have fallen by the wayside (COUGH DC COUGH) is because he's focused on preparing this team for war with the Mountaineers.
Sumlin did his job. The team is ready to kill. This team is like a caged animal who's been poked and prodded with tasers for weeks, starved to the point of insanity and ready to devour whatever stands in its path to escape.
How did Sumlin pull this off? He's taken the entire practice playlist and replaced it with John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads."
HOLGO HAPPY HOURS
Memphis may be home to the Blues, but these clubs will perk up your night when college football's magnificent mulleted man-about-town comes to get down. Don't forget to show up early when the hurry-up is in effect. Professional women welcome.
Click flyer to enlarge.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
DB: I'm going to miss #29. He was the frayed duct tape that held our 1957 rusted-out pickup truck of a defense together on the washboard farm road of the last two seasons like an overdone metaphor. He's scored touchdowns in three different ways since September of 2013, so maybe we can Memphis up a fourth next week.
WR: 1A high school ball to three year SEC regular is a pretty rare career trajectory. MK was quiet leadership when such a thing was needed. Get out there and give us one more game of Malcome over the Middle, #84. [/trademarks phrase]
P: Hell hath no fury like a punter scorned. You can keep your post-season awards, Kaser Söze will exact his vengeance upon his dad's former team. Yep, Big Jim Kaser was a Mountaineer tight end in the '80s. The more you know.
QB: Let's begin by talkin 'bout the 'Noles. Trickett was a 'Noles QB but didn't like it so he transferred. Not 'Noles material. Anyway, he found a welcoming home at WVU. He's not much of a running threat, though, so Merry Christmas, Myles.
WR: 102 catches and over 1300 yards. Despite its taunting, this guy could catch The Gingerbread Man, and pick up a first down to boot. Let's try that play where Harris defends a pass and it doesn't end up being PI.
S: Emits authority in the secondary like another famous Karl with a 'K.' He's the team's second-leading tackler so look for the offense to exploit his aggressiveness and take some shots down the field j/k what am I even talking about.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
In 2008 Dana Holgorsen was the offensive coordinator at Houston under Kevin Sumlin and Jake Spavital was a graduate assistant on the Houston staff. Spavital then followed Holgorsen to Oklahoma State as a GA and then to West Virginia as a quarterbacks coach. Then Sumlin hired Spavital as offensive coordinator in his second year at Texas A&M. When Kevin Sumlin is inevitably fired for losing three potential recruits this month, A&M will hire Holgorsen as the head coach. Then Spavital will be hired as head coach at West Virginia where he will hire Sumlin to be quarterbacks coach. Hal Mumme will be equipment manager.
Carl Torbush on Line Two
Will A&M have a defensive coordinator by kickoff? Will he be coaching on the field that day? Will it be this man? Or this man? Will Myles Garrett just take over and audible every play? Will he drop all eleven men into coverage on the same player? Will defense even be relevant in a game featuring this much Air Raid? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!
Kyle Field was looking to lose a little holiday weight and frankly took the easy plastic surgery route. Now Aggies can look for this footage to be played at least once during the bowl. Odds are the programming director will lose his nerve and waste the footage early, but a clever man would wait until a moment where the Aggies are beginning to collapse to unveil that metaphor, allowing internet comedians everywhere to unleash that Mike Sherman joke they've been aging in the cellar. Don’t focus on the possible Aggie implosion, and instead watch the most extreme way anyone ever prepared Chef Boyardee.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
MIAMI VS. SOUTH CAROLINA
Mid-tier bowl bid, or devious plot to lure two game birds into a false sense of security? Listen Sebastian and Cocky, those Duck Dynasty guys aren’t to be trusted. You get a bad feeling, just call Puddles. He has a safe house in Longview where you can crash.
ARKANSAS VS. TEXAS
Two historical college football powerhouses. A historic rivalry. Two football offensive styles minted in the 1960’s. Solid defenses. A crap bowl in a lifeless, glitzy NFL stadium. This game will feel like hiring an aging Evander Holyfield and George Foreman to come to Jerryworld and bludgeon each other to death with a sock full of quarters.
NOTRE DAME VS. #23 LSU
Remember that scene where Kevin’s mom is riding in the back of a van with John Candy’s polka band? Add Tony Chachere’s and that’s what it’s like to force domers to hang out wth Cajuns.
#13 GEORGIA VS. #21 LOUISVILLE
Sure the playoffs are a 10. And the Cotton Bowl definitely is a looker who puts out. But in this 90’s high school movie, the Belk Bowl is the super cool nerdy chick that you find out at the end is smoking hot too. Sadly, it’s too late to hook up with her, but we can still watch her from afar like a creeper.
#9 OLE MISS VS. #6 TCU
The school will be officially be renamed TCSU this week in the hopes that adherence to Christan Science values will help the Frogs avoid any medical treatment from Dr. Bo.
#7 MISSISSIPPI STATE VS. #12 GEORGIA TECH
It doesn’t matter what I write here, because while you may be reading it all your brain is doing is processing the fact that A&M is unranked and Georgia Tech is #12 in the nation. Merry Christmas… shitter’s full.
#19 AUBURN VS. #28 WISCONSIN
You feel bad for a little upstart program like Wisconsin. They get a good coach and system in place, and then he goes and gets snapped up by a perennial powerhouse like Oregon State. To top it off they hit the rebound and wake up the next morning with a coach from Pitt. Paul Chryst believes in fundamentals, quarterback development, and liberal application of football grease.
#16 MISSOURI VS. #25 MINNESOTA
Don’t believe the hype – BWW’s citrus wing sauce blows. Spicy Garlic or GTFO.
#1 ALABAMA VS #4 OHIO STATE
The real question here is which unbearable fanbase do you want to be most unhappy? Do you root for the one that is stereotypically drunk, overweight, obnoxious, and entitled, or do you root for the other one?
IOWA VS. TENNESSEE
Pretty clever marketing to find a game that would make doing your taxes sound fun.
EAST CAROLINA VS. FLORIDA
One team is a leaderless band of thieves and criminals, wandering the world preying on the weak and interested only in monetary gain. The other team is the Pirates.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY FLETCHER MASSIE
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY AGGIELAND OUTFITTERS
A Visit from St. Aggieland Outfitters
Twas the night before the Liberty Bowl, when all through Memphis
Not a DC was stirring, not even Chavis;
The Aggies were clung to their laptops and chairs,
In hopes that the Wrecking Crew soon would be there;
The children were wide-eyed, awake in their beds;
As memories of wheel routes crept into their heads;
And mamma in her pullover with one quarter zip,
Whispered "things could be worse, you could be a t-sip."
Text GOODBULL to 97000 on 12/23 for a chance to win a Ping Golf pullover from Aggieland Outfitters.
Thanks to this week's artists @BigOldHoneyBear, @rcb05 x 2, @JAClark_13, @SpreadsheetAg, and @blumby09.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Clean offensive game. Kyle Allen rips off 400 yards through the air due to superior o-line play and a cured case of the drops. Garrett and Watts give us all hope for the future. I go back to work drunk but nobody notices.
You're not getting me this time, Gozer. I will not choose a destroyer.
Why do the Mountaineers eat cereal straight out of the box? Because anytime they get near a bowl they choke. #GBHTailgate
What does a divorce and a tornado have in common in West Virginia. Someone is going to lose a trailer. #GBHTailgate
Cleveland is the worst place ever. Of all time.
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.