In these turbulent times at Texas A&M, we're pleased to bring you the debut of INSIDE THE FUMIDOR where we share candid conversations we've had with "Fatty Blunt," a self-proclaimed Double Diamond Aggie donor and two-time Kickoff Camp attendee. Enjoy this series for free as we work out some legal paywall issues with Visa Checkout. This could be the last free edition of ITF before we start charging $99.89 per month for these insider tidbits. GBH is the hardest working blog in this industry and the seventh safest according to OSHA, so please do not print the contents of these conversations without our tweeted consent.
GBH: "I remember us talking back in August, when Bertolet was having a great fall camp, and you just laughed me off the phone at the notion of a kicker controversy. Boy, were you right."
Fatty Blunt: [silence] "...huh? Oh yeah. Fuckin' Lambo, man. LAAMMMBBOOO. First Blood. Lambo Calrissean. He's like a Porsche. VROOOM!" [chuckles then gasps]
GBH: "Right. And then--"
FB: [looks at phone] "Hey when is the next World Cup, man?"
GBH: "So as a big donor, you get pretty regular access to the coaches. Do you hang out with any of them?"
FB: "Oh yeah, man. Me and Sherm are cool. We get together, play NHL on Xbox, you know."
GBH: "Uh, Mike Sherman is no longer coaching for us."
GBH: "So what is the vibe around the Bright Complex now that the regular season is over?"
FB: "I was partaking in some potent edibles in the locker room barber shop as I'm wont to do, and the next thing I know I'm looking god himself in the eye. A little red-headed dude."
GBH: "Ok, but as far as the Defensive Coordinator vacancy--"
FB: [points at windshield] "I kinda wonder what goes on at the Knights Inn over there. I feel kind of bad and shit because the parking lot is empty but then it says no vacancy. It's like a bunch of people walk to that fucker with a bindle."
GBH: "Do you think it's realistic to expect Will Muschamp to coach in Aggieland after he made negative comments about the town in 2012?"
FB: "I don't know, man. I'd give a long look to those guys who said good things about College Station." [laughs for 5 minutes without interruption]
GBH: "If you had to narrow it down to three candidates right now --"
FB: [turns radio up all the way after recognizing keyboard intro to "Eminence Front" by The Who]
GBH: [shouting] "What do you think about Venables?"
FB: "Oh, man. LOVE those things. It's like...maybe you want two cheeses and one ham on this cracker; that's your prerogative. Maybe the next one is two hams and two crackers, no cheese. You just go for it. Complete freedom to mix-and-match."
GBH: "You're thinking of Lunchables."
FB: [while air drumming] "Yeah, lunch sounds good. It's on me."
GBH: "With the completion of Kyle Field renovations this offseason, you must be looking forward to the satisfaction of playing such a big role in the establishment of a real college football shrine."
FB: [checking the side view mirror suspiciously] "Oh man. Don't call it that. You gotta be careful about shrines, man, because we don't want to give the impression that we're like trying to make football into something holy or anything. 'Cause it's not. [closes eyes, raises hand in invocation] And Jesus said he does not 'eat at the mountain shrines or defile his neighbor's wife,' that's from, like, Ezekiel and you know, like, in that scenario the neighbor is probably Austin. So we have to be careful about those kinds of comparisons. [pause] Ezekiel. Eh-zee-kee-el. Easy keel. Huh."
GBH: "Are you cool, man?"
FB: [nods rhythmically]
GBH: "Who do you think A&M will face in a bowl game?"
FB: [cleaning bowl with pinky finger] "It's an eminence front, POW. It's an eminence front. [falsetto] It's a put-on."
GBH: "What about playing Texas?"
FB: [stares with prolonged sour face then busts out laughing and looks for fist bump]
GBH: "Alright, but let's get serious for just a mom--"
FB: [exits car and slinks toward Sonic]