clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Marooned in Aggieland: I'm Back!

Roughly 446 days have passed since I naively stumbled into the depths of an American diner that displayed a defiant, but garish red and yellow sign.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

If it was good enough for Walter White’s 52nd birthday, I was confident it was good enough for a clueless Englishman’s first escapade into the heart of Texas. Plus at the weary time of 6:42am, the parking lot was not completely empty - an encouraging indication that this place was going to provide at least a 6.5/10 satisfaction rating.

It’s fair to say Mr White’s Denny’s outing went down a slightly different path to mine. Instead of paying a stranger for a car with a host of scary-looking weapons and explosives inside, I just wanted to dive head-first into a selection of competitively priced meat and poultry. It delivered a solid 6.5/10 vibe - just what the doctor (not a heart surgeon) ordered.

And so I’m back. Almost 64 weeks on, after spending the 2013 football season here in Aggieland and then heading home to write a book about my Texas A&M shenanigans, I have returned to promote a 258-page brick of literature called "Marooned in Aggieland: A Bumbling Brit Discovers College Football, Guns N’ Waffles" (by the way, this blog isn’t a vehicle to promote such a slab of wood - although yes, it is only $11.53 on Amazon - or two for $23..ish… wow, Christmas is coming up you say? Why not get one for all the family? Take five! At least!) Wait, stop. Keep composed.

Anyway! Moving on… I also came over for another bite at the quintessential American dining experience. As I type this blog, I am literally midway through snapping a piece of bacon between my teeth and organizing the hash browns so that they don’t awkwardly collide with my duo of glistening sunny-side up eggs. It’s quieter than 2013 - and unexpectedly colder, which has surprised me. Last time I was over here, the air conditioning unit in my one-star hotel room acted as an efficient and reliable life support system.

Again, I am feasting at an unsocial time that only hosts hardcore caffeine addicts, people that love cheap plates of sausages (not a euphemism) and my reputable group - the sufferers of jet lag.

Yep, that’s right. After only touching down on American soil last night, my bodyclock still firmly believes it should be lunchtime - a good excuse to have two meals in one sitting. What? The body wants what the body wants. Likewise, it deserves a treat after trekking across the Atlantic - a painfully long journey that can often bring out the worst in a human. Plus, I hate flying. HATE it. Take the safety video the airline shows you at the start of the flight as an example:

"In the unlikely event of an emergency landing, please stay calm and abide by the following procedures…"

Unlikely? UNLIKELY!? That is far too likely for my liking! Why not use language such as "in the 0.0000001% chance of something going quite wrong" - that would reassure me far more. But "unlikely"? For example, if you ask a friend if he/she is available next Tuesday to go for a couple of cold beverages, and they respond with the ‘U word’, you will take it as if there’s at least a slim chance that the rendezvous will occur.

Another nagging factor is the fuss made about women wearing stilettos on the evacuation slides. Imagine the first ever episode of Lost where a tragic plane crash occurs in the middle of a South Pacific ocean. Are Jack, Hurley or Sawyer gonna care that there’s someone wearing a pair of cheeky $30 discounted heels from Macy’s? C’mon people! We have far more pressing concerns here!

And… breathe. Stop ranting. You got here OK. It’s time to enjoy Aggieland and the land of the free….birds burrito.

PS. I am doing a book signing at Aggieland Outfitters this Friday (5-7pm) - please come and say hello! Or give me a slap.

OUT NOW! Marooned in Aggieland: A Bumbling Brit Discovers College Football, Guns N’ Waffles Available on Amazon