GBH Viewer's Guide: Week 5

Have you rapscallions quit yer bitching about last week's ho-hum doldrums yet? Good, because we got a full spread of fun for you coming in hot. Crank some Skynyrd. No time for tiddlywinks. We rock tonight.

All times Central - Are you going to eat your fat?

Thursday, September 26

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech | 6:30 PM | ESPN

This is basically two dump trucks driving around in pig shit on square wheels into each other for four hours. I can't wait. Both dump trucks have hopes of winning the ACC Coastal division which prizes you with a Mike Krzyzewski signed pierogi and an opportunity to play for the league championship against Florida State or Clemson in an empty stadium in Charlotte.

The Yellow Jackets are averaging 345 yards on the ground and 45 points per game. Virginia Tech is the lighthouse of mediocrity these days.

Iowa State at Tulsa | 6:30 PM | FOX Sports 1

When a Cyclone and a Golden Hurricane tee it up thousands of miles away from any ocean, you tune in.

Saturday, September 28

Miami (FL) (15) at South Florida | 11 AM | ESPNU

Remember when the South Florida Bulls were kind of decent at football. The Bulls on Parade are being dragged behind a lifted Nissan truck through Ybor City and beaten with bats by the likes of McNeese State (lost 53-21) and Florida Atlantic. Oof.

I'd rather go to college in Russia than go to a commuter school in Tampa, Florida.

Oklahoma State (11) at West Virginia | 11 AM | ESPN

Speaking of once being decent, what the hell happened to West Virginia? That John Denver is full of shit. The Mountaineers got drilled 37-0 last week by Maryland. Big 12 pride. West Virginia is 4-8 in their last 12 games dating back to 2012.

Meanwhile, Okie Lite used their bye week and Uncle Boone's muscle to drive Sports Illustrated out of business (not a tough task these days) while turning Thayer Evans into a hand puppet. When asked for comment, the NCAA was found eating paste on a golf retreat in Scottsdale.

South Carolina (12) at UCF | 11 AM | ABC

UCF is in Orlando. Tiger Woods lives in Orlando. Old Ball Coach likes golf. I think we have a reality TV program or at least a cop comedy movie on our hands here.

This is a nail biter for the Cocks. The Knights are no picnic. They're coming off a bye week after beating Penn State in Happy Valley and are sitting on a solid 3-0 start. The Cocks are coming off a bye week as well after a victory over Vandy with a mixed report card. The offense has looked physical and will grind you into oblivion. The defense has yet to put together a full game.

Should be a good one in America's fanny pack - Orlando, Florida.

SMU at TCU | 11 AM | Fox Sports 1

The Booger Sugar Highway rivalry! The Frogs sell, the Ponies buy, and free market muscles flex another day. June Jones and Gary Patterson seem to genuinely hate one another, so that's fun.

LSU (6) at Georgia (9) | 2:30 PM | CBS

I've mentioned elsewhere that LSU is the quietest 4-0, Top 10 team ever. The Bayou Bengals are just chilling in the weeds and ready to maul (second nature to Jeremy Hill) and will be afforded the opportunity on the big stage in Athens.

Going home should be a pleasant experience. Not so for Georgia native Zach Mettenberger. Time was, Mettenberger was a young whippersnapper who earned a scholly to his beloved Georgia Bulldogs. I know because I was one once, but 18-22 dudes are the worst people on the planet and do moronic things. Yada yada, Mettenberger gets dismissed from Mark Richt's squad (NOT an easy feat) and finds himself in the grace-filled arms of one Leslie Edwin Miles. To his credit and with the help of new OC Cam Cameron, Mettenberger might be the most improved player in the country this year.

Does he have the chops and fortitude to handle a hostile Sanford Stadium? Does the Pope shit in the woods? I don't know.

Oklahoma (14) at Notre Dame (22) | 2:30 PM | NBC

The Big 12 has not fared very well in their 2014 non-conference slate and could use a road win from the Sooners to put a balm on their insecurity. Hell, Baylor might win the league this year. Harrowing times, indeed.

The Irish are trying to figure out some identity on both sides of the ball but sit at 3-1 after a nice (albeit very ugly) win over Sparty. OU only scored one touchdown at home last year against the Irish and will be counting on Blake Bulldozer Bell to utilize his newly found arm to steal a win in South Bend. Did you know that the Sooners are 1-9 all-time against Notre Dame? BOOMER.

Florida State (8) at Boston College | 2:30 PM | ABC/ESPN2

You won't watch this. No matter. There are other good tilts in this slot.

Wake Forest at Clemson (3) | 2:30 PM | ESPNU

In all likelihood, one week, Clemson is going to get lost on their way to a snoozer game in the Bermuda Triangle and lose in horrible fashion. This is not that week.

Ole Miss (21) at Alabama (1) | 5:30 PM | ESPN

ESS EEE CEE FOOTBAW. Streaks are on the line - Alabama is looking to extend their winning streak over the Rebels to 10 games, and Ole Miss is looking to build on their first 3-0 start since 1989 (!).

The Rebs are clicking on offense averaging 250 yards on the ground (thanks, Texas) and 38 points per game. Running back Jeff Scott may be the most underrated player in the league.

Alabama is still sorting through some snafus on offense after trudging through a lackluster win over Colorado State at home. If Ole Miss keeps this close through the first half, look out. We'll have ourselves a game. By the by, everyone flipped out over Bo Wallace's comments about A&M receivers. I wasn't bothered. What else was he going to say? I like Dr. Bo.

Texas A&M (10) at Arkansas | 6 PM | ESPN2

This is the last time this game will be played in Fayetteville for at least a decade which is a damn shame. For one, Fayettenam is a great town and campus for roadies. Two, Jerryworld represents everything wrong about the modern football experience. I don't like to hate things, but I hate that damn stadium.

Arizona at Washington (16) | 6 PM | FOX

Simply a beautiful matchup in the Huskies beautifully rebuilt stadium. The Cats and the Dogs both love to run the football. Don't sleep on this game - if Arizona wins, they'll have a good shot at rolling into November undefeated. Washington has earned a nice September ranking, but their next four games are Arizona, at Stanford, Oregon at home, and at Arizona State. Yikes.

Wisconsin (23) at Ohio State (4) | 7 PM | ABC

Fat pasties in red jerseys! Everything is civil and tempered during night games at the Shoe.

Stanford (5) vs. Washington State (at Seattle) | 9:30 PM | ESPN2

Nice college football weekend in the Emerald City. Can Leach pull off the upset of upsets? Prolly not.

Cal at Oregon (2) | 9:30 PM | Pac-12 Network

The Pac-12 Network seems really cool, but I'm not sure where to find it on my dial. Oregon and Stanford are sure not to whine that all east coast voters will be asleep and/or drunk when their games are taking place this weekend.

Drink of the Week:

Any beer that doesn't taste like pumpkins! It's that time of year when yuppies eschew beer that tastes like beer for malted squash. For shame, yuppies. If you're going to imbibe during football games, please don't spit in Uncle Sam's face by drinking pumpkin pie. Canned, cold, domestic. Rinse and repeat. You pumpkin beer drinkers are like pumpkin spice latte drinkers only somehow more pretentious. DON'T TREAD YOUR CLOGS ON MY BUDWEISER BOWTIES.

Enjoy the games, gang.