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DAMMIT, ARKANSAS
UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR
I was really wanting to write something about the "Undefeated Razorbacks seeking vengeance on Texas Aggies and Johnny Football." But no. No. Y'all had to go and LOSE TO RUTGERS last weekend. Rutgers. American Athletic Conference. Well, that's just great. Now my piss is all hot for nothing.
The thing about your loss is that it really shouldn't take much for Bret Beilema to get a group of 18-22 year-old guys to do whatever he says at a high level of competence. Everyone should believe in this man. "Listen, fellas. If you do what I tell you to do, one day, you'll be as successful as I have been. You'll rise up the ranks and end up with a hottie 15 years your junior when you're in your 40s." Whatever you say, coach. Let's do this. You want me to jump into that vat of acid? Done.
Jen taught the twitterverse the true definition of karma last week when she was served up a nice dish of it. Turns out the fast track to getting your ass kicked in by the concept of universal cause and effect runs through Ohio. Who'd have thought?
Polite Game Prediction (To be read in the snootiest of accents while listening to this. Trust me.)
Kevin Sumlin has just finished penning his apology to Craig James when he hears a buzz from the intercom.
"Coach Sumlin? Coach Snyder is here to see you. He says it's of the utmost importance."
"I've been expecting such a call, please send him in straight away. And Marissa? You're doing a fantastic job and I do ever so much love having you in my employ." Kevin Sumlin is a fair boss who treats his employees like family.
Coach Snyder ever so gently opens the stunning door to Sumlin's office.
"Coach!" Snyder exclaims in an excited whisper. "Coach! I wanted to stop in to tell you how very overjoyed I am to get a chance to stop this admirable threat of a running duo in the football contest this evening! F*** them!"
"F*** them, indeed. Your muzzle, Coach?"
"Oh yes, please do. I shan't be biting a grad assistant again!"
Ags 42 Hogs 14
CAST: EXTRA MEATY EDITION
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Jake Matthews
OT #75: After a rough night for little bro last week, Jake has the entire unit in perfect harmony and executing at a high level. They rack up some serious rushing yards, punching the opposition in the ribs over and over.
Julien Obioha
DE #95: The young veteran carries his momentum from last week over and carves up the Hogs up front. Slices through the line and dishes out a serious pounding. MEAT PUN.
Malcome Kennedy
WR #84: The team's leader in TD catches roasts the pig secondary. Burns the corners to a crisp. Slips through coverage like greased lightning and smokes all the defenders, leaving the Ags hungry for more.
Travis Swanson
C #64: Guess what: he's not really Amish! The Texas turncoat has become one of the top offensive linemen in the country. So glad we don't give up that recruiting advantage to Arkansas anymore by playing every year at Jerryworld WAIT WTF?!
Chris Smith
DE #42: The honorable mention All-SEC player is one of the senior anchors on the Razorbacks' defense. Did you know that only two returning SEC players had 9 or more sacks last year? The other one is named Crownie or something.
David Hurd
OT #69: At 6'6" and 318lbs, the former walk-on has been patiently been biding his time. Slowly. Soon. He sits. He waits. He eats something. Then he waits some more. Then he gives up a sack to Nate Askew.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY J.P. 03
A Heavy Dose of the Running Game
Rumor has it that Arkansas’ starting QB whom you’ve never heard of could be out this week in favor of the backup QB you’ve also never heard of. In most situations this (likely) resulting commitment to just handing the ball off on every play would be a good thing, but in case you haven’t noticed, A&M’s forte at the moment isn’t exactly stopping the run. So instead of rejoicing, we are all bracing ourselves for the two-headed monster of Alex Collins and Jonathan Williams and the inevitable Heisman candidacy for each of them by the time they’re done carving up our defense. But you know what? I’ve got a feeling about this one, and no matter what my results in the "place your bets" section below say, when I’ve got a feeling about something, I’m usually right. Remember that time I said A&M would score 42 points and they did exactly that? You should, because it was last week. So trust me when I say the Ags will keep the Hogs contained this week. Book it.
The PAT Plan Coming to Fruition
Remember Tom Cruise’s legendary secret move in Top Gun where he would lure enemy jets in close, then hit the brakes and watch them fly right by before destroying them? I’m starting to think that Kevin Sumlin is adopting a similar strategy with our placekicking situation. Intentionally botching three extra points last week was the equivalent of lulling Arkansas into a similar false sense of security about their chances this weekend. As an added bonus, distraught Aggie message board posters perfectly played the role of Tim Robbins in the back of the cockpit screaming, "you’re gonna do WHAT?!?!?" while Bret Bielema and his staff inched closer to what they thought was getting a sure-fire missile lock on us. And on Saturday, when all of our extra point woes have magically disappeared, it’ll be too late for our friends from Fayetteville. Beep Beep Beep Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, suckas! I hope China even uses the footage in their next propaganda video.
A Proper Welcome
Quite frankly, I hope we steamroll Arkansas on Saturday. Not because I have any animosity toward that school, but because their coach is just begging to be humiliated. In fact, if there was a "how to provoke endless mockery in five minutes or less" checklist for college coaches, it would probably look something like this: 1) Speak poorly of the SEC and its recruiting tactics while employed in a competing conference. 2) Leave the B1G for a coaching gig in the same SEC you just got finished badmouthing. 3) Demonstrate your new conference’s superiority by taking your new SEC team on the road and losing to Rutgers. 4) Impress the recruits by tweeting photos of one’s wife wearing a hog nose. 5) For good measure, allow oneself to be photographed shirtless.
Here’s hoping Sumdog and the boys make Bret Bielema’s first conference game a memorable one.
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY J.P. 03
#21 Ole Miss at #1 Alabama
I was primed to write about yet another top-10 SEC matchup this week as #6 LSU invades Athens to take on the #9 Georgia Bulldogs, but something happened during an otherwise-normal press conference that caused me to focus on Ole Miss/Bama instead. Our good friend Bo Wallace responded to a routine question by stating that he thinks the Rebels have better wide receivers than A&M does, even going so far as to mention Mike Evans by name. Not the best strategy, in my opinion, especially given the fact that due to the magic of an early bye week, Mike Evans currently has more receiving yards than Ole Miss’s top 4 wideouts COMBINED. We’ll mock you in a couple weeks, Bo, but in the meantime, do us a solid and pull off the miracle upset in Tuscaloosa, mmmkay?. Be forewarned, though…a Nick Saban defense tends to hit a little harder than Ole Miss frat boys do.
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
BY STEWADE
TEXAS A&M IS IN TEXAS!
BY CUPPYCUP
The Hog faithful will be wearing "Cardinal" this Saturday which is just a few shades over from Maroon on the color wheel. That means it’s time to wear white after Labor Day... like a Yell Leader! This white polo from Aggieland Outfitters features an SEC logo on the sleeve which will increase solidarity with our hosts. More importantly, the state of Texas logo on the front will help you RUB IT IN THEIR PIG FACES that we own their most important recruiting territory. A word of caution: Pig blood leaves stubborn stains on white clothing, but this shirt is also available in maroon. Drop by the new AO store on University Drive or order one online.
Text GOODBULL to 99000 on 9/25 for a chance to win an Adidas Lonestar SEC polo from AO.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
BY THACKTOR
BEST CASE
The defense shows marked improvement. The Arkansas two headed monster at running back is held to a cumulative 100 yards. Manziel is sitting at the beginning of the 4th quarter with a dump truck full of yardage through the air and on the ground. Jen Bielema tweets something.
WORST CASE
The defense still can't stop the run. At all. It's a nightmare and the game is much closer than it should be. Kicking woes continue. Jen Bielema tweets something.
@rcb05
I can't wait to finish this home-and-home crap with Arkansas so that we can resume playing at tradition-laden @ATTStadium #GBHTailgate
@WaffleHouseAg
Time to beat Arksansas and start off SWC conference play 3 and 0 #GBHTailgate
@cuppycup
Jen Bielema loves fat dudes. Best weekend for Ags in fishing shirts ever. #GBHTailgate
@jamesleebennett
Typical ArKansas Family Tree. pic.twitter.com/k8dZ8xjBhx #GBHTailgate
@erickmartin
Oh, it's that time of the week for my tweets to not show up on the #GBHTailgate
Steven Jenkins
Good thing I had coupons cause Popeyes chicken is way to expensive lol
@rcb05
Arkansas has a lot of Walmarts. #GBHTailgate
@ChipBrownOB
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.