TROLL TIDE II
UNINFORMED SMACK / BY THACKTOR
Can it be that time? Already? No, it's too early. We need more build up. More drama. Never mind, screw that. It's time. The training montage is over. Bring on the game of the week of the month of the year of the decade of the century of the millennium of the eon. The winner of this one gets ALL OF THE 1-0 IN CONFERENCE PLAY! Based on media coverage, one can only assume this is the only game being played this season. No?
If you're lacking in motivation, head over to RollBamaRoll and read the Hate Week thread. This will get even the 2%ers riled up to Frankenstein-angry-mob levels of rabbledom. Every single person wearing maroon this Saturday in the Hate Barn should leave without their voice. Northgate should sound like a drunk library (or the actual library for a few of you) on Saturday evening with all the slurred whispering.
Juniors and Seniors, I want you dishing out game day privileges to every underclass-person you see like flyers in a WalMart parking lot. Be aggressive about it. Hell, make coupons if you must. I want the "WHOOP" heard on the opening kickoff to shatter the CBS camera lenses, animate McCarron's chest plate tattoo and liquify the pants-region of all Bama players. Is that too much to ask, Ags? I think not. Nobody gave you privileges, fish? Do it anyway. If anyone asks, pull out this article. A dead 2004 Ag just gave you Zip privileges for the game and all night long after if A&M wins. Oh, I'm not allowed to give out privileges? Well, I just did. Did that make you angry? Good. Channel it directly toward our visitors from Alabama.
Those visitors should feel right at home since their weight room has been adorned with the A&M logo since last year. Either Nick Saban is becoming Ray Finkle or he got duped by the Property Brothers on his latest remodel. Tony Hurd, Jr. said it best "We have a lot of A&M [in our weight room], too."
Apparently a bar in Alabama has created Johnny Piñata. Too much comedy here so I’ll just rattle off a few lines. Women in Alabama will use any excuse to get liquored up and beat off a Heisman winner. The bar created the mini-JFF so Nick Saban could wrestle with a Johnny his own size. The candy that falls out of Johnny Piñata is Saban-Sized. Nick Saban is short.
Oh look, Johnny Piñata is holding a Sharpie and cash! Crimson Tide fans making fun of anyone for signing autographs is like Mike Gundy giving someone an "over-the-hill" birthday card that doesn't include a "You're a man, you're 40!" joke and a "Hostess" coupon. No, not for Twinkies. Unless you're into that. We don't judge here.
PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE GAME PREDICTION
Kevin Sumlin sits in his office 4 hours before kickoff. His office temperature is set to 90 degrees, but the thermometer reads a pleasant 72. Kevin Sumlin is ice cold.
Mark Snyder flip-kicks Sumlin's door into 1,000,000 splinters, which fall to the floor spelling out "BAMA? F*** BAMA." Sumlin reads the message, nods nonchalantly, stands up, puts a muzzle on Snyder (he's a biter on game day) and the two of them walk to the Hate Barn together.
During pre-game warmups, an errant football bounces at AJ McCarron's feet. He picks it up and notices an inscription: "This is the wake-up call you didn't afford me. Johnny Manziel, Heisman '12." A shiver runs down McCarron's spine. He turns around to meet Johnny, face mask to face mask.
"What happened to our trip? We were gonna save the world. We were bros." Johnny says in a low, gravely, Christian-Bale-as-Batman-style whisper.
"My mom says..."
Johnny raises one finger to AJ's face mask.
"Shhhhhh, this'll all be over soon," Johnny says, just before disappearing along with the inscription.
Alabama players don't sleep well in the weeks following the game at the Hate Barn. All they see in their dreams is this.
Ags 35 Tide 24
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO
Johnny Damn Football
QB: This is the most electrifying college football player on the planet playing in the biggest game of his lifetime. Go ahead and read that again, because it's not hyperbole. Did you see how pissed off he was when he got hit 8 yards deep in the end zone against SHSU? That's nothing.
Mike Damn Evans
WR #13: Just throw this guy the ball. A lot. And if they cover him, throw it to one of our 25 other awesome receivers. And if they cover those guys, hand it off to one of our awesome running backs. Yes, Nick. This IS what we want football to be.
Steven Damn Jenkins
Unsuspended LB #8: He's finally going to be back and good grief has he been missed. We need him to lead the front seven like Taylor Bertolet needs herbal hair conditioner: it's essential.
QB #10: "Oh look at me; my mom and girlfriend posed together for a magazine cover, I'm so popular." Gimme a break. Just hand off the ball like you're supposed to and throw a couple more picks to Deshazor, then cry on the sideline. Roll Tide.
WR #9: Yeah, he's good. But him playing in that offense is like making Jeremy Irons be a guest star on Two and a Half Men. You want to really prove you're the best WR in the SEC? Don't go to a school that runs an offense from 1977. Roll Tide.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
S #6: The son of very literal Johnny Cash fans, he's had to fight tooth and nail to get where he is today despite his TOTALLY RIDICULOUS NAME. Seriously, if you are named this you'd better be a bad-ass hard-hitting safety. (Which he is.) Roll Tide.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY J.P. 03
Fresh New Threads?
Let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we? No, not the literal elephant mascot with a mean streak named Big Al; I mean the proverbial elephant in the room: uniforms. Last year, A&M debuted the long-rumored icy whites and rode them to victory in Tuscaloosa. Might we see Sumlin pull the same motivational lever again this year? With, say, one of these incredible new options?
Click images to embiggen...
Never one to be outdone, Nick Saban may very well have been involved in some designing of his own. Dare I suggest that the Tide may mix things up and don one of these combinations on Saturday?
A Changing of the Guard?
Could you imagine the fallout if Sumlin and the Aggies find a way to beat Alabama for the second year in a row? I know, I know, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. It’s just that Tennessee won’t be good for a while, Auburn won’t be good for a while, and who knows what will happen to LSU if Les Miles gets roped into the Oklahoma State investigation? Could Texas A&M surpass all of these schools and become Alabama’s new #1 rival, at least for the next couple of years? Most Aggies can’t imagine what it’s like to occupy the top spot on Nick Saban’s worry list right now. Lucky for you, however, we here at THE TAILGATE can:
Click image to embiggen...
ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC
BY J.P. 03
#25 Ole Miss at Texas
Before I begin, let me get something off my chest: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Sorry, it’s just that Mack Brown has been pointing to 2013 as the season that the Longhorns will finally get back to “being Texas” and last week against BYU, well…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Two games in and Manny Diaz is gone, Greg Robinson is back, and we are inching closer and closer to the train wreck soon to be known as the Tyrone Swoopes era. So please excuse me if I can’t hold it togetHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!! Schadenfreude never tasted so sweet. Go Rebs!
LET'S HAVE A STATGASM
WHAT TO WEAR
PRESENTED BY AGGIELAND OUTFITTERS
Alabama Water Feature
While Nick Saban waits for someone to slide him into his human skin, it’s time for you to pick an outfit for September 14th’s second-most important athletic contest behind Mayweather-Alvarez. Before I ask you to buy this “Roll Tears Roll” shirt* without knowing the outcome of the game, I need to make sure you’re sufficiently motivated. We’re good? Now get out there and show the world you have a big pair of brass Bowens and celebrate the forthcoming man tears from A.J. McCarron. Oh, and ignore my game prediction above. I picked Arkansas and Auburn to beat us last season. President Loftin, that “Bowens” thing was meant as a compliment and not a direct substitution, sir. *also available in Nick Saban size.
Text GOODBULL to 99000 today for a chance to win a "Roll Tears Roll" shirt from AO.
BEST CASE / WORST CASE
Win. Any kind of win. A win is the best case scenario here. Winning. Winning the game against Alabama, to be specific. I do not care if it's 2-0. Win. The. Game.
Oh, and Saban shuns UT's money and goes to USC. He forcibly TAKES Lane Kiffin's job before USC gets a chance to fire him. Distraught, Alabama hires Mack Brown and Texas hires Kiffin. I sleep soundly.
There's an immovable Bama fan in my seat and they have purchased all of the concessions. I am forced to taze this individual and, in doing so, am forcibly removed from the Hate Barn by security.
Worst case: the pressure literally crushes JFF into a diamond which will be given to an Orange Pride girl for her "services" #GBHTailgate
Johnny scores a TD. Does hip thrust in celebration. Whole world sees on JohnnyCam. All women watching immediately impregnated. #GBHTailgate
Dangerous trap game for the Aggies in College Station this week. Sumlin has to keep his team focused and not looking ahead to SMU. #GBHTailgate
Texas A&M is the university of Texas.
Manziel should celebrate a touchdown on Saturday by pretending to talk to a reporter on a teleconference.
Tom Hanks is one of the best actors of all time, and in Forrest Gump alone he had one of the best acting performances ever. #legend
There is no truth to reports that Texas A&M will join the SEC in the spring of 2012. None.