HEYO I'm back. I've missed you guys dearly. Sometimes you take a wrong turn in Tibet and end up in a Mongolian prison with dregs that dared question communism's societal bliss while showing NO interest in Johnny Manziel. I've escaped and rediscovered the internet and this handsome, virtual lean-to we call Good Bull Hunting. Things get awfully real awfully fast this weekend. Hop on the magic carpet ride and wet your beak in the glorious pool of college football.
All times Central - where John Voight steals the show as a dickhead coach in the cinematic gem Varsity Blues
Thursday, September 12
Troy at Arkansas State | 6:30 PM | ESPNU
Bryan Harsin sure was prescient to get out of Austin, yes? Fun Fact: people named ‘Troy' only graduate from college 4% of the time!
Tulane at Louisiana Tech | 6:30 PM | Fox Sports 1
North Louisiana versus South Louisiana chalk full of players that would kill their gumbo mamas to play for LSU. Has anyone watched Fox Sports 1 yet? Is it good? Pardon me for being skeptical of a network that would employ the services of Erin Andrews and Clay Travis.
TCU (24) at Texas Tech | 6:30 PM | ESPN
Well ain't this a daisy on a Thursday night? Trevone Boykin will take the reins at quarterback for the Frogs after losing noted drug enthusiast Casey Pachall to injury. PAIN KILLAS IN THE HEEZY.
Anyway, we here at GBH remain unapologetic fan boyz for Koach Kliff. This is a winnable game at home that should catch plenty of eyes on the national scene.
Tech students are encouraged to cut their Friday Spelling and Coloring classes to recover from hangovers and seek genital testing. This message applies to any Friday in Lubbock, really.
Friday, September 13
Air Force at Boise State | 7 PM | ESPN
Whatever. Get ready for Saturday instead. That Boise turf should be outlawed.
Saturday, September 14
Louisville (7) at Kentucky | 11 AM | ESPN
It would be fun if Coach Cal and Pitino were allowed to lead the football teams in this hateful rivalry. Kind of odd that the two most deified men in Kentucky (after bourbon founders and distillers) are sleazy, greasy Italians from the Northeast. Winning eliminates all prejudices.
Louisville's schedule is comically awful. They'll go undefeated and still get left out of the BCS Title Game.
UCLA (16) at Nebraska (23) | 11 AM | ABC
The Huskers look to avenge the 2012 loss in Pasadena against the best football team in Los Angeles. Are the Huskers really wearing black uniforms? Nebraskans like change as much as they like vegetables (corn is basically a French fry) which is to say, not at all.
Tulsa at Oklahoma (14) | 11 AM | ESPN2
Look, I don't like acknowledging some of these games either, but you need some filler activities to keep you distracted until 2:30. I'd recommend whiskey, but it is going to be hot and you'll want to be half coherent at kickoff. Pace yourself. Flip on one of these snoozers, drink some Pedialyte, hug a loved one, and rest those vocal chords so you can be at maximum HATE when 2:30 comes.
DID YOU KNOW: Paul Harvey went to Tulsa? And now you know the rest of the story.
/shows self out
Stanford (5) at Army | 11 AM | CBS Sports Network
West Point is an exceptional place to catch a game in the fall. Color change, beautiful campus, patriotism, war, America, football. It's cool that Stanford is traveling across the country to play this game. It is what a non-conference schedule should look like.
Boston College at USC | 2 PM | Pac-12 Network
Speaking of crossing the country, can a wildly mediocre team from Boston knock off Lane and his merry band of idiots in the Coliseum? Watching USC's offense on Saturday night made Greg Davis look like Bill Walsh.
Nevada at Florida State (10) | 2:30 PM | ESPN
Georgia Tech at Duke | 2:30 PM | ESPNU
Tennessee at Oregon (2) | 2:30 PM | ABC
A bunch of games that no one - not even indie-rock Brooklyn hipsters - will be watching because...
Alabama (1) at Texas A&M (6) | 2:30 PM | CBS
CUE ANGUS YOUNG GUITAR SOLO FOR WE ELDER, FRUMPY WHITE DUDES AND DRAKE FOR THE KIDDOS.
Game of the year of the universe's history, gang. My inane vocabulary can only sully the gravity of this contest. Fear not. THE TAILGATE commeth tomorrow.
/sprints around house for four straight days
Iowa at Iowa State | 5 PM | FOX Sports 1
When not holding caucuses, these salt-of-the-earth folks are slinging back an alarming amount of alcohol and channeling unbridled hate against one another. I love it.
Mississippi State at Auburn | 6 PM | ESPN2
SEC Ag school brothers. This is worth a peek as both squads are trying to carve out an identity in the big, bad West. They both travel to the Hate Barn this year.
Ohio State (4) at California | 6 PM | FOX
Cal has thrown the ball 115 times in its first two games including a 37-30 nail-biter over regional power Portland State. Obese Ohioans in jerseys and jorts stumbling around progressive Berkeley won't be eyesores at all.
Kent State at LSU (8) | 6 PM | ESPNU
Nick Saban has some roots at both of these schools!
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (13) | 6 PM | ESPN
I'm curious to see how the Cocks respond at home after a gut wrenching loss in Athens that featured coach fights and an angry, passive aggressive Spurrier typically reserved for smart ass caddies.
Look for Vandy to give USC all they can handle in what has become an early quagmire in the SEC East.
Ole Miss (25) at Texas | 7 PM | Longhorn Network
Go read some of the quotes from Texas' weekly presser and try to find any semblance of coherence. This is a blubbering, confused old man of a program right now. Sure, a rich old man with many worldly possessions, but ultimately just a shell of his old self with a warped memory. Now the kids are fighting over the inheritance and who should take care of dear old dad.
It's just too perfect that Gameday and CBS are in College Station and this game is on the lucrative LHN heralded by dozens. Watch for the boo birds when Bo Wallace has a strong start against a Horn defense that views tackling as a mere suggestion.
Notre Dame (21) at Purdue | 7 PM | ABC
MIDWEST INDIANA FOOTBAW. Just when you think Indiana couldn't be blander (ketchup is too spicy!), you happen upon an engineering school in West Lafayette.
Wisconsin (20) at Arizona State | 9:30 PM | ESPN
MMMM the smell of fat, pasty people sweating out cheese curds and beer in the Phoenix sun. College football - the pageantry of it all! Is Arizona State any good? Seriously, I just know that they are coached by an asshole.
I like these cross conference B1G/Pac-12 games.
Drink of the Week:
A big ass 32 oz. domestic brew at Dudley's Draw with a shot of rail whiskey. Order one for an Alabama fan too and show some of that dadgum Texas Aggie hospitality.
It's the best time of the year. Enjoy the games, gang.