OPENING SLIDE SHOW OF JOHNNY'S OFFSEASON INCLUDING ALL THE USUAL PHOTOS
NARRATOR: Are you an aspiring college athlete? Do you think that you'll become instantly famous because of your abilities? Worried that the media is going to put you in their crosshairs?
CROSSHAIRS GRAPHIC WITH JOHNNY FOOTBALL IN MIDDLE IS SHATTERED TO SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS, REPLACED WITH UNCLE NATE, ARMS STRETCHED WIDE OVER HEAD AND SMIRKING, IN FRONT OF BEACH SCENE. OBVIOUS GREENSCREEN IS OBVIOUS
NARRATOR (Forcefully): WELL WORRY NO MORE!
N8: Hi, I'm PR Maven UNCLENATE.
NATE DOES UPWARD HEAD NOD, LOWERS RIGHT ARM TO MID THIGH TO ADJUST...SOMETHING
N8: Would you like to hold the media in the palm of your hands? Do you know how to handle scrutiny with the skill of someone who handles scrutiny well? Like a person who is scrutinized often, but handles it...YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BITCH! HASHTAG H8TERZ!
CAMERA ZOOMS QUICKLY IN AND OUT, GREENSCREEN CHANGED TO CLUB SCENE. NATE APPEARS TO FLOAT OVER THE PARTY LIKE AN ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVEN OR "ENTOURAGE" CASTING CALL FOR EXTRAS
N8: Well now you can, just take my 3 hour class, "Social Media 4 Mah Peeps Against Da H8RZ"
NATE HOLDS UP BLANK DVD BOX, SMILES, LOOKS AT CAMERA. LOOKS ON EITHER SIDE OF HIMSELF AND MOOD CHANGES TO DISAPPOINTMENT
N8: YO I THOUGHT THERE WERE GUNNA BE SUM HONEYZ IN THIS SHOT MOTHERFU...
QUICK CUT BACK TO NATE, GREENSCREEN HAS CHANGED TO AN EPISODE OF "MY LITTLE PONY"
N8: Topics in my instructional DVD will include:
GRAPHICS DROP FROM TOP OF SCREEN AND EXPLODE WHEN THEY HIT BOTTOM. EVERY TIME.
N8: MAKING HATERZ JELLY WITH PICS OF MAD HONEYZ
N8: RESPOND 2 EVRY H8R, EVERY TIME
GRAPHIC: General PR
N8: YO, YOU GOTS TO GO TO ISLANDER, DUDE!
ENTIRE SCREEN EXPLODES, BURNING MONEY IS FALLING FROM THE EXPLOSION. CUT BACK TO NATE TAKING A SELFIE WITH A BLOWUP DOLL IN A TUB FULL OF JELLO. GREENSCREEN HAS CHANGED TO GIRLS GONE WILD COMMERCIAL
N8: And if you order in the next 90 minutes, I'll throw in bonus features.
GRAPHIC LOWERS SLOWLY FROM SCREEN READING "BONE-US FEATURZ"
N8: Bonus features include:
GRAPHIC: Handling ESPN
N8: MAN FUK ALL DAT NOIZ, WE LIVIN IT UP IN DIS MERCEDES AN THEY JUST JELLY
GRAPHIC: Handling Fame
N8: GO OUT ALL THE TIME, WHAT COULD HAPPEN?
GRAPHIC: Handling Nate
N8: WAIT, WHO PUT THAT IN THERE? OH SHIT, IT'S COACH SUMLIN!
NATE RUNS FROM ROOM. SUMLIN IN A BLUR IS SEEN WIELDING A CHAINSAW OVER HIS HEAD.
NARRATOR: Call 1-888-H8RZ-SUK today and get your copy of "Social Media 4 Mah Peeps Against Da H8RZ" with UNCLENATE. First 10 callers are invited to sit in their new "Uncle's" lap. Only $9.95! Call today!