I love doing podcasts. The guys at Sporting Hubris were cool enough to reach out to us and ask for a volunteer, so I went in to do an interview with Craig and Grant about our beloved Fightin' Texas Aggies. If you want to skip the general sports conversation and get right into Aggie football, you can skip to the 34:40 mark. Feel free to correct me, call me an idiot or just pan my voice in the comments.
And now... a little Wildcard. This segment is reserved for me to get a little weird every week with our writers and readers; so, if you're not in the mood for some odd humor - I'd recommend just listening to the above podcast and then getting into Derek and Luke's antics this week.
Question 1 comes to us from one of our beloved editors-in-chief.
@thacktor @CoolHand_Lucas @DrNorrisCamacho I turn 30 tomorrow and am kind of having a meltdown about it. What wisdom can you share?— Jimmy Gards (@JimmyGards) June 27, 2013
Ah, yes. The big 3-0. It's such a huge deal. You must forever mourn your 20s as "the best days of your life" now, and bitch about the kids with their techno music, slap-bracelets and slip-on shoes. Lazy bastards. ALL OF 'EM I TELL YOU!
Here's the dirty little secret nobody tells you about being in your 30s. The truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Sure, you start to feel a little aged walking into a college bar on game day but the tradeoffs are wonderful. You get a little more perspective on things having been through your "super young adult" phase. Now you know how much you can drink without becoming a socially awkward monster who blurts out profanity at inopportune times. You still blurt out the profanity, sure. It's just better placed and you care a whole lot less.
A. Whole. Lot. Less.
The other good thing about being in your 30s is a better sense of your own mortality. I woke up a few months ago, looked at myself in the mirror and went "Holy shit, when did you get old?!?!" See, you only get one body. That's it. Just the one you're in right now. It took me becoming 30 to realize that, hey, it's time to start taking care of yourself you worthless sack of crap. You can't eat out of a bag every night and expect to not die in a few years. How about we get out and get active again? Since then I've become a decent cook, lost some weight and exercise regularly. It's weird, but I feel better now than I did at 27. Jimmy, you're gonna be just fine.
Next up is our loving Podcast host, Derek. This one's gross. Brace yourselves:
@thacktor you can only choose 1: Live off of an oxygen tank filled with fart, or have to live off of urine flavored water. No contingencies— Derek (@DerekAggie06) June 27, 2013
First off, Derek, wouldn't it cease to become an oxygen tank at that point? Can you live off breathing methane laced farts? Let's say the farts wouldn't kill you, the problem here is you have to breathe and you can't ever remove that mask for anything. I'd think that if you're wearing this fart-mask everyday, you'd eventually begin to talk like Bane. "YOU SHOULDN'T BE CONCERNED ABOUT THIS MASK, FRIEND! WHAT YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH IS WHAT'S BEHIND IT HMMMMM!"
Other questions that arise: Who's farts are these? What was consumed to produce said farts? Are they even human farts or the terrible dogfarts that can clear a small town? THIS IS IMPORTANT STUFF, PEOPLE!
This decision got way easier when I read your question again. You said "oxygen tank filled with fart" or "Fart Tank" vs "urine flavored water." So I can either breathe in actual fart or drink pure water that tastes like piss. I'll take the water, sir. Easy choice.
I got a few good ones on facebook, but this one is getting long so here's one from Matt.
Is dating hard for polygamists?
I think dating kind of sucks for everyone but Channing Tatum and George Clooney.
But getting to the question, are we talking about polygamists who already have multiple-wives or the single, looking for multiple-wives polygamist? I'd assume the date for the former starts with the gentleman taking his new prospect out for drinks, breaking the ice. After he notices there is some interest, he may bring one wife on a subsequent date. If he's got five or more wives running around, he's gonna want to ease this woman into his pitch for her future. I don't know if this is an easy thing to do, but it seems to work for some people.
That leads me to what I think is an obvious question: are there polygamist dating websites? What do the profiles look like for the men?
Name: John Polygamist
Children: Lost Count
Number of Wives Desired: 15-30
Divorces: 2.5, one came back
Daily Routine: Married guys, you know how you get yelled at in mono? I get it in Dolby THX Surround Sound 24/7 AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!1!1
Activities: Wild Wives Wednesdays, Making Name Tags and Hiding in the Basement
Guys, could you handle polygamy? What would it take for you ladies to become a sister-wife? Debate it in the comments. Or don't, it's your life.