This week, I went to Facebook and asked for questions. The following are the best ones I got. Can you do better? Please, hit me up on Twitter.
Robb/William - Can you be colorblind and still be selective about M&M's?
I don't think so. First, we must officially ascertain whether we are colorblind or not. I found a test on YouTube! Go ahead, I'll wait.
Congratulations! Some of you just found out that you're colorblind! I am not one to tell anybody what they can and can't do; but a person who claims the ability to decipher an M&M's coloring based on taste alone is a no good rotten liar. You can be as selective as you wanna be about your M&M's, but you're wrong. You're likely racist, too. We all have different candy shells, but we're the same on the inside. That's a metaphor, son. #themoreyouknow
Chad - What's the proper bathroom etiquette if the guy in the next stall slides his foot under and into your stall?
The stall is a private area meant for one. Not 2, not 1.5, not 1.1. 1. ONE. I don't care if the wall doesn't go all the way to the floor; the stall-line-extended means there is no excuse for anyone to slide his or her feet into the next stall - ESPECIALLY if there's another person in the adjacent poop-room.
Now, do you say something? That's always a touch awkward. Nobody wants to have random chitchat in the stall, but you've gotta stand your ground. I know what you're thinking, people. You're thinking, "It's Wes. He does the weird column. He's going to suggest unleashing bio-waste hell upon the offender's hoof." You're wrong. I'd never suggest that because 1) gross and 2) that's assault, brotha. One way you could avoid that person's foot breaching ever again is to start growling like a rabid dog and shaking your own feet. Stick them out farther in front of yourself than normal and violently spasm. Only do this if you're at a comfortable pause point in your waste elimination process because the results could be disastrous to your situation. Trust me.
Maggie - Where is the best place to find lesbros for my posse?
Maggie, you got one right here. I'd be happy to join your posse (I SAID POSSE, FELLAS. CALM DOWN.) of studly lesBROs and accompany you to the bar of your choice if you're ever in Texas. Other places, in no particular order:
- The Park
- Dive Bars with great jukeboxes
- The Dickey's Outlet Store
- Co-Ed Sports leagues
- Comic Book Stores
- Any Music Festival
- Ad Agencies
Anywhere that people are open-minded and don't really care about your orientation. There are more of us out there than you think.
Carsen - Would you rather have to sit in a Cobb salad, no way of avoiding it every time you sat down or have your skin be replaced by bacon bits?
I really like the specificity in this question. She didn't ask about a Spinach, Mixed-Green or Caesar. Those are for chumps. This question is about the Cobb Salad. That's a messy son of a bitch, right there. What if I'm hungry and fake sitting down? Can I bend over to retrieve the Cobb Salad on which I was about to sit and then consume it standing? That'd be a good source of free and semi-healthy food at the expense of doing way more laundry than I'd like.
Am I composed entirely of Bacon Bits? If so, do I look like The Thing, but with more bacon flavor? Would people be more inclined to lick me? I'll take bacon bits, dude. That beats messy pants hands down.
Vanessa - Would you rather live in the pouch of a kangaroo or have a pouch with a baby kangaroo inside it? -Tom Haverford
POUCH WITH BABY KANGAROO INSIDE IT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Kyle - Would you take the white 1986 Ferrari Testarossa from Miami Vice as your daily driver if the navigation system was Tubbs crammed in the backseat reading from a Mapsco?
No. But I will take any of the Ferrari 308GTS models from Magnum PI with Higgins stuffed in the back reading me directions that are often side tracked by his war stories. That'd be the sickest.
Heather - What is the ideal age to potty train your toddler?
Ideally you'd start from birth. I'm single and childless so I know these things. I'd say that right after getting home from the hospital, you should put a litter box in the toilet to start training them. That's what babies do, right? You just put the box down and they make in there. So just move it to the toilet and then remove it once they're accustomed to using the porcelain shrine. Problem. Solved.
Got more questions for me? You can always hit me up on Twitter or in the comments. That's this week's Wildcard. Hope you enjoyed it.