The Valley of No Football

You pick up a dusty, leather-bound journal. The maroon cover is dried, cracked, and faded and the pages are speckled with sand. You flip through the pages and see the script grows hastier and more erratic with each entry, as though you are watching a man’s descent into madness wrought onto the parchment. Each random entry you read fills you with impending dread for what fresh hell awaited in those scribbled words…

January 26th, 2013

Today was the Senior Bowl, the post-coital dump of the college football season. Sure, it feels good, but it’s nothing compared to the elation you just experienced. Nevertheless, I find that I must watch it and savor every minute. It’s not unlike stopping in Kerrville after you leave San Antonio heading west; it may not be much, but you know it’ll be a long time before you see civilization again.

The word catches in my throat, and I taste bile after I say it. Offseason.

March 13th, 2013

I’ve been wandering the offseason wasteland for over a month now. I can barely remember what it was like to feel anything but thirst for college football. I tried sustaining myself on basketball, but all I tasted was sand and ashes in my mouth. I am beginning to wonder if I will survive…

My eyes are beginning to play tricks on me. The other day I thought I saw a longhorn tattoo on Johnny Football. I pray to God it was a mirage.



April 13th, 2013

Thank the Lord, an oasis! The football being played in the Maroon & White Game was stale and tepid, but I drank up every moment of it until I could drink no more. The rumblings in my gut make me wonder if perhaps there was some bad defense in that football, but there is nothing I can do about it for now. Hopefully I won’t go all Mark Richt with my bowels.

The mirages and hallucinations now haunt my dreams, each more terrifying than the last. Even if I survive, I fear that the madness may take over…

April 25th, 2013

The NFL draft has provided me another desperately needed football oasis. Once again I drank as much as I could, but alas, I only found myself more thirsty in the morning. I miss football so much. Last night I found myself daydreaming about the XFL for God’s sake.

What I wouldn’t give for He Hate Me to carry me from this wasteland of despair.

May 1st, 2013

I had a beautiful dream last night, but I no longer know what is real and what is illusion. I saw a great football cathedral in a magical land. I saw a television network that rained money from the sky, and every football game in the conference was televised and was available - even in Austin. Can such a place truly exist? Will I live to see it? I sketched what I could remember, in the hopes that the prophecy might come true.



May 8th, 2013

I have made it this far, and yet I fear the distance is too great. Perhaps other men will find a way to survive on the lesser beasts of the offseason. I am told that given enough time you can even condition yourself to survive on baseball, but I think I would rather die.

If you are reading this, please return my body to Aggieland. Bury me somewhere where I can see the scoreboard at Kyle Field. Mark my final resting place "Hypno-Toad" if you must, but if you bevel the fucking T I will haunt the fuck out of you.



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