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Act I: Reveille The Bear
Product description: Twist the transparent domed lid on this 8" cup to wind up an Aggies mascot and watch him spin around! Sure to entertain the young and young-at-heart.
How terrifying is it? 
So...you twist it and it turns? Magical. Put your infants in a trance or teach them about the dangers of LSD by letting them watch the bear spin round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round. Be careful with that dome because Reveille is a choking hazard. MIKE SHERMAN JOKES.
Product description: This reusable cling is approximately 12" x 8.5" and clings to any smooth surface. An officially licensed collegiate product.
How terrifying is it?
Oh look, it's the same Reveille Bear in the same Karate Kid crane pose but now he's ungroomed, ambipedal, and clings to your smooth, manscaped body. No one has ever seen this sticker on an actual car.
Product description: Fleece Texas A&M Reveille bear blankie. Handmade & embroidered.
How terrifying is it?
Yeah, this one doesn't even pretend it's not a bear. It's even a polar bear. Or perhaps a polar anteater. At least we can be fairly sure the producer is located somewhere in East Asia, so they really don't know much about Reveille or Texas A&M...
"Item ships from Missouri City, TX."
Face. Palm.
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Product description: Made of 100% Polyester, Knit.
How terrifying is it?
The product description is not quite suitable for the J. Peterman catalogue. It seems this writer was rendered speechless like we were after imagining Yogi Bear in an Aggie jacket eating a child's head. And he has human hands and feet. Tiny ones.
Product description: Featuring the team's official colors and logo on the front, this huge Mascot Sleeping Bag displays the mascot head, arms, and feet.
How terrifying is it?
Ah, the old "sleeping bat." Is this a typo or an homage to the lovable Mexican free tailed bats of Kyle Field? I've always wanted some Reveille memorabilia that displays her "arms." We're classifying this as a bear for the sake of taxonomy.
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Mascot Collie Reveille Plush Dog
Product description: It is in Excellent Condition. Its fabric is a beautiful color, soft, plush, and without any holes or stains. It will make a great addition to your collection, or as a gift.
How terrifying is it?
At first, we thought this plush looked like a drug-addled Paddington Bear. But now we realize that this is Reveille, the Orc captain.
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Product description: Each plush figure is designed to look like your favorite team mascot. Features the team colors and logo. Great for fans of all ages. Approx. 9"
How terrifying is it?
Since this plush was designed to look like your favorite team's mascot, your favorite team is not Texas A&M. Maybe it's Baylor. He does look sad and, like Floyd Casey Stadium of yore, decked out in maroon.
Act II: There's A Holiday Spirit Can Ne'er Be Told
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"Reveille" Mascot Stocking Ornament
Product description: This is an officially licensed product of Texas A&M University. This resin ornament featuring Texas A&M mascot "Reveille" in a stocking is produced by Ridgewood Collectibles. This ornament would make a great gift for any Texas A&M fan.
How terrifying is it?
Nothing embodies the Holiday Spirit more than stuffing an entire dog into a giant sock.
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Reveille in car ornament, mint with tags
Product description: Texas A&M Aggies, Reveille in car ornament. Mint with tag. Official licensed product.
How terrifying is it?
"Mint with tags" doesn't seem to apply to the vehicle in this case. While I'm sure it was tailor-made for Reveille, something tells me it's not street legal. Please don't look so put out, madam...of course other drivers are not going to take you seriously when you're driving a vehicle smaller than your torso with the steering wheel in the direct center of the dashboard.
Christmas Cards--Texas A&M Reveille with a sleigh
Product description: Send your Christmas greetings Texas style! These cards feature Reindeer Reveille with a sleigh full of gifts and "Wishing you a Traditional Merry Christmas."
How terrifying is it?
You keep using that word, "traditional." I do not think it means what you think it means. Ah yes... every year Santa hitches up his collie-pomeranian mix to the sleigh and plows through Bastrop.
Act III: The Cathartic
Product description: Some may argue that the only time to show your Texas A&M pride is on game day. Au contraire! Tuck your little one in for bedtime and light up his night with the Dream Lites Pillow Pet. This soft, furry friend projects a starry sky with your kiddoâs favorite team logo in three soothing colors.
How terrifying is it?
Au contraire! Now that's some fancy marketing talk. Rev certainly looks sad for something that brings joy to a child's life. Perhaps she feels the full weight of this responsibility and it is slowly crushing her soul. Perhaps she hates the bevel.
Product description: Your young Texas A&M fan loves attending Aggies games. What will make you both happy is easy â for you, itâs an A&M win; for him, itâs meeting Reveille. When it gets cold at the stadium, make sure his hands stay warm with these Mascot mittens. They feature the mascotâs face with an opening for its mouth and an embroidered logo along the wrist. These fun mittens can even double as sock puppets, so they are perfect cheering companions!
How terrifying is it?
These emo Reveille mittens provide warmth by transferring all life out of Reveille's spirit and onto your child's hands.
White 15oz. Tailgate Mug & Coaster Set
Product description: This unique 15oz. ceramic mug features custom printed artwork depicting a mascot tailgate party and a complementary 4.25" x 4.25" ceramic coaster for a whimsical way to enjoy your morning cup o' joe!
How terrifying is it?
Rev really is enjoying the rapture while waiting for her Norman Rockwell hamburger to cool down enough to eat. Note the ratio of beveled to non-beveled logos.
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Reveille Football Dog University Plush
Product description: It is in Excellent Condition. Its fabric is a beautiful color, soft, plush, and without any holes or stains. It will make a great addition to your collection, or as a gift.
How terrifying is it?
If ALF had made a cameo appearance in The Dark Crystal, it would have looked like this. Ensure that your child suffers scarring nightmares for years to come by giving them this lovable plush demonspawn.
Act IV: The Total Package
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Product description: Sings your college theme song while protecting your headcover! Show your college team spirit on the golf course with this exclusively designed college headcover. The finest college headcover available.
How terrifying is it?
The jackpot of all Rev items: the beveled T-star logo, the perfectly-feathered Duff McKagan hairstyle, the gaping toothless shit-eating grin...perfect for youth golfers everywhere.
Product description: Keep your ears and noggin warm with your favorite mascot! This Reveille toboggan-style winter hat features the lovable Texas A&M mascot with team-colored pompoms on each tassel. Jump around for the Aggies and show the opposition you mean business!
How terrifying is it?
What better way to show school spirit than to wear a hat that resembles a shrunken horse's head fused onto the body of a hedgehog? The ear flaps are ideal for choking one's self if the item is worn in public. Unfortunately, this item is sold out. Yes, that's correct.
Product description: A charming sculpture of Texas A&M's legendary mascot, masterfully crafted and hand finished. This detailed sculpture is finished using a technique that replicates the patina of weathered bronze. The entire sculpture is weatherproof; can be displayed inside or out. Even the pigskin texture and laces are authentically replicated. Perfectly charming for your home or garden!
How terrifying is it?
With all of that meticulous handiwork you'd think they would have realized that Reveille is not a hairy goat creature from mythology.
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Cool Reveille Mascot Collectible Figurine
Product description: A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item (including handmade items).
How terrifying is it?
By "unopened" do they mean they did not break the statue with a hammer? Because they clearly removed this from the box. And what do they mean by "undamaged" exactly? I consider rabies to be damaging.
Product description: Texas A & M is famous for their unique tradition and storied football history. One of the most beloved mascots in college sports, Reveille, is captured in this original watercolor painting. Perfect as a graduation gift or it could be a beautiful addition to an A & M fan's office!
How terrifying is it?
Oh Reveille, how you've let yourself go.
Reverse-A-Pal Football Plush Toy
Product description: You love to toss the ball around with your young Aggies fan, and you canât wait until the two of you get to share his first home game. Get your youngster ready for the Texas A&M action with the Reverse-A-Pal stuffed animal. This cute mascot sports A&M-inspired gear, and when youâre ready for practice, you can unzip the back zipper and stuff him inside a Aggies-themed football.
How terrifying is it?
Scientific convention suggests that collies give live birth, but this egg-hatch Reveille is way more fun.
Act V: Resolution
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Product description: Weighted for great upright floating. Limited Edition. SOLD OUT.
How terrifying is it?
So what's to be taken away from this macabre display? Do we really want a standardized Rev across the board, or is part of the inherent beauty of this menagerie that she is open to every artist's interpretation? Perhaps it's time to embrace one single mascot; one that cannot be emulated or tinkered with. One equally as rooted in tradition. WARNING: Do not use in bathtub with actual children present.