clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Wildcard Speed Dating

This week I answer a series of random questions posed by readers. Topics include fake boob etiquette, conspiracy theorists and Kenny Loggins.

Kenny. Effing. Loggins.
Kenny. Effing. Loggins.

This week's Wildcard comes from your suggestions. I love all of them and want you to know that I give each of them a lot of consideration (about 5 minutes per answer: WILDCARD SPEED DATING!) before I go off and write something terrible. Here's what I got last week and how I feel about them. Thanks to all of you who follow! God, please kill the offseason before it destroys my will to live.

Mielle: "Conspiracy Theorists: Why do they all work at Half Price Books"

Think about it, man! Where is all the information that the government doesn't want you to know? Bookstores. That's right, they're feeding the mindless automatons out there information in the way of Netflix, CNN, Fox News, blogs and nudie sites. Nobody's reading books anymore! THAT'S WHY YOU GET ALL THE INFO AT THE SOURCE! THEY'RE HIDING THE INFO IN PLAIN SIGHT AND YOU'RE ALL MISSING IT! WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME?!?! HASN'T ANYONE SEEN LOOSE CHANGE DAMMIT!?!?!

Aside: I kind of love Half Price Books and haven't personally noticed this trend. Maybe you draw the Conspiracy Theorists to you? The place has great coffee, good prices and huge selection of CD's that I can't find anywhere - like the soundtrack to "American Pie." Where's my Discman?

Candace: "Just throwing it out there. It's isnt classy at all...but...fake boobs in Dallas. Who has them? Who wants them? Who likes them? Who doesn't want them? Percentages in the bar scene. Just boobs. It will kill."

Y'all read that. It's from a female and she wants boob talk. This is an unsolicited request to talk fakers on The Wildcard, and that's unprecedented. Everyone pause for a moment and soak it in.

Let's go ahead and #boobtalk. Who has the fakers in Dallas? That's an impossible question. The thing about fake boobs is that when a woman gets them, she often (not all the time, this isn't a blanket statement and hyperbole is used for comedic effect here) wants to draw attention to the newly placed orbs on her chest, but what's proper etiquette protocol on the observer's side? How do you, a discerning gentleman or lady with interest in bewbage, compliment a girl on her two new best friends? It's an obvious new addition, like a second story add-on to an older home. You had a friend who was...less ample in the chest region and now she's sporting the 2013 model D-XLS and you're supposed to act like nothing happened? So, in honor of the question, I present the "How to be a Gentleman: Faker Talk Edition." I know, it's not a direct answer to your question, but this is what I do.

"Mari! Oh man, you look great! I love that new sweater!"

"Guys, I'd like you to meet my friend Ashleigh! She was under the weather with something for the last two weeks, but she's all better now. Apparently a side-effect of the Z-pack is swelling. Sexy swelling. That fills out a tank top."

"You remind me of that song by the Pure Prairie League, Amie. You know the one, ‘Salineeee I'm in love with you. I think I could nuzzle you for a while, maybe longer if I...' Are those not the words?"

"All I see is your aura and inner beauty. The hot tub is this way..."

"Hey! My lord it's been a couple of weeks since I've seen y'! Y'all.


Did those come with Satellite Radio?"

James: "Write about hipsters, man."

You would want me to write about hipsters because that's what everyone does.

/puts on newsie hat to match "Wham!" t-shirt for appropriate amount of irony.

/grabs portable vinyl player, straps to back.

/mounts scooter. Vespa, not Fraggle.

Kate: "Why is all the good TV on at night when you know you should be willing yourself to get more sleep?"

Define "good TV?" I think you mean old shows in syndication, correct? That's what I'm going to assume, and to answer your question: I have no idea. If Netflix has done anything for me, it's shown that I can go on a TV bender with the best of them. I knocked out "Freaks and Geeks" in a weekend. That's an 18-episode season of hour-long episodes over a Saturday Afternoon into Sunday Morning! Before Netflix, all we had were the TNT "Law and Order" marathons, and those don't even advance the plot from show to show. I'd get caught up in one of those bastards and the next thing I knew the rent was late and I'd eaten everything in the pantry. To sum it up, see the answer to the Half-Priced Books question. I think we're under some sort of governmental mind-control forcing all of us to trudge through this mortal coil in a zombie like state until we die, penniless and alone.

Or they just know you're home at that time.

Andrew: "Best soundtracks or certain songs that made a movie (Kenny Loggins has got to be top 10)"

Loggins clearly owns some real estate in that top ten, but what's the best Loggins song from a movie? The answer is clear: