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LEAKED: New Sumlin Marketing Strategy

Find out how we're gonna make Kevin Sumlin the hottest entity in the entire universe. MARKETING, folks.

Thomas Campbell-US PRESSWIRE

Tech isn't the only program on the cutting edge of marketing, despite the inside glimpse they gave the world of their unique strategy on Monday (no seriously, read this first right now please). No, we have a few aces up our sleeves as well. With this in mind, I decided to have an imaginary lunch and conversation with A&M VP of Marketing Jason Cook, who has just been named International Brand Master. Being such a busybody, I'm sure he won't mind the extra advice. Below is my follow-up message to Mr. Cook discussing important marketing tactics for Coach Sumlin.


Thanks again for the lunch. I would have preferred Waffle House, but Cafe Eccell will suffice in a pinch. And that's real cool about your award and all.


Redesign Ol' Sarge logo- More nod to burly, lantern-jawed heritage of Brazos Valley. Think of Buzz from Toy Story and you know how kids love Toy Story and kids eventually grow up to become adults who might want to give you monies if the associate your logo with a kids' movie. We need to see how a new logo drops in under multiple elements.

Bring Back Vintage, unbeveled A&M logo. This is the most requested art from the TAMU fan base that we can not deliver. It would open up a vast new series of design universes...mainly because it is boss-looking. The 3-D versions of logos are limited in terms of design and production. You probably don't understand all these terms I'm using but just trust me.

DVD programs-Let me help with the distribution to make it more successful. I know you are VP of Marketing for a major research university, but my experience in blogging and selling t-shirts pretty much trumps all that so you should just let me take care of all the logistics and crap like that.

Sumlin- Needs to modernify his image. Kids need to relate. Give him a hip/with-it nickname like "Mr. Cool Dude" or "Coach Awesome". Open media channels. Brandify the openness. Success. Winning helps, but needs to capitalize on image.

Les Miles- awesome and funny. Most .gif'd coach in the whole world. Quirkiness sells. Eats grass. It's funny.

Will Much Champ= Much smarter than he looks. All an act. Builds mystique. Smart.

Mack Brown- CEO. Clever. Resourceful. Deflects all criticism. Face of the program. Disdain for dental care proves edginess to recruits.

Nick Saban= Brash. Intolerant. Determined. Someone has coached him in public speaking to great effect. Knows X's and O's and not afraid to tell you.

Bret Bielema- Total frat dude. Makes you want to drink beer with him. Kids can relate.

Point One: to place KDS in the center of the global media spotlight. He must adapt and be perfect in terms of physical appearance. Have him accentuate muscular build more and perhaps get him a tribal face/neck tattoo. Kids like that. Make him the rebel of SEC. Have him wear large gold chains at times. Put him in a seersucker pinstriped suit (not too flashy, just thin stripes) to fit in with SEC categorizations.

Point Two: I help you to get Sumlin known on the Internet. I have the unique ability to spread the new image throughout the world via my blogging. Large, untapped audience. We post pictures of New Sumlin and it takes off. We call that "Viral" in the industry. Takes off really fast and there's no cure ha, ha.

Point Three: We embed Coach Awesome in all kinds of media. He can be a character in Nintendo games or appear as a celebrity food judge in Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Houston is a huge media market and he has excellent name recognition there. Get him on the morning news show circuit to start. Have him do commercials. It will take of and explode and the media will eat it up like crazy.

Last Point: within 2 years I want Sumlin to star in a movie with Ryan Gosling and Olivia Wilde. It will be a buddy cop movie in which Sumlin plays to his strengths and plays the grizzled, wise veteran to mentor his youthful partner (Gosling) in his dramatic relationship with the tragically troubled girlfriend (Wilde). In an unforeseen twist, the situation will work itself out when the couple adopts a stray dog.

In Summary. Our recent success and popularity has proved that we are the raddest school in the State of Texas. Longhorns are on a downswing and Tech is just a bunch of pretty boys. TCU is good but hampered by a small market and an amphibious mascot. People are frightened by amphibians almost as much as they are by reptiles as was proved in a recent study (do not have link handy). We need to excite the fanbase and jump on this opportunity. Initiate the momentum and coolify the image. Brand the success and market to fans and non-fans alike. Capitalize on name recognition and play the rebel in the establishment of SEC. Wear sunglasses more and get sunglasses sponsorship. Say edgy things to media; portray edgy image. Flash thumbs-up with celebrities in and around Houston. Utilize Internet to get popular.

Sorry did not have time to proofread and correct. Had very important Blogging task to accomplish. All just my own quite humble opinions. I wouldn't be a friend to you unless I meddled in your business and told you how to do your job.

Yours most respectfully,

Dr. Norris Camacho

Good Bull Hunting


(thanks to @thacktor for the brainstorming collaboration as always)