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The Art of the Tambourine

This week's wildcard breaks down the most prestigious tambourine player to ever walk the earth ever. Ever.

I'm often asked, "Wes, why don't you rent a theater and put on a one-man show? Preferably one that showcases your hand-eye coordination, rhythm and affinity for clothes that are far too tight-fitting for your form. Can you do that for the world? Nay, the children? Please?"

Well, to be honest, I would. I really would, but here's the thing: there is someone out there who is already doing all of these things and he's way better at it than I am at anything. Period. Don't believe me? Well... If you're at work, look over your shoulder a few times. It's not that this isn't safe for work, it really is, it's just that you might not want any coworkers catching your fixed gaze as you drink in the majesty that is this video sent to me by Stewade yesterday:

OK, I need to make a few things clear. This might be one of the weirdest things you've ever seen (if it is, get out more) however, imagine the time that it took this guy to really master the tambourine pop and lock routine. This should be an Olympic event. If it were, I'm absolutely positive the Japanese would sweep the medals for at least 16 years. Walk through it? Why sure.

0:12 - Everyone is on Stage

Go ahead and pause the YouTube here and really soak this up. I may have this screen grab framed and put over my fireplace (read: barrel fire) in my apartment (read: alley). From left to right we have Disinterested High Heels, Captain Tambourine, Coffehouse Guitar Master and MC TeeHeeHee. I have no idea what brought the Justice League together for this performance, I'm just glad that it happened and is on YouTube.

0:20 - It Begins

Disinterested High Heels begins to show signs of life here by clapping and toe tapping. Guitar Master is doing what he do, lazily playing whilst sitting on a stool. He does show a little bit of excitement with a head bob early on, but then he's right back into his progression. MC TeeHeeHee knows that she's about to be overshadowed by greatness, so she steps out of frame. Now it's time for Captain Tambourine to show the goods so he strikes the "I'm Sexy, Sassy and Sophisticated" pose we all attempt before going out on a date. Or is that just me?

0:26 - Wait. What?

I'll be honest with y'all, the first 150 or so times I watched this video I had no idea that Disinterested High Heels was the lead singer of this group. Not a clue. Now that I'm going back to review it like game film, I'm embarrassed to admit that. She seems really...into it. If you pause it here, look into the eyes of Captain Tambourine. You know what he's saying to you, world? He's saying, "Here I am. I'm this person and you can EAD if you don't like it because I will kill you with this tambourine and dump-truck full of masculinity that I have parked out back." That's what he's saying, and if you're not listening, well may God have mercy on your soul.

0:29ish - DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT????

Seriously, did you? That's some impressive movement. If the tone here is confusing, I'm legitimately complimenting this guy's agility, rhythm and confidence. It takes balls (the size of which you can probably see if you go full-screen and HD on the options, not that I did that) to do something like this. Also, that move is a self-defense sequence. Few people know that the Tambourine was a weapon used to ward off evil-spirits/purse snatchers circa 1295 during the reign of Emperor Fushimi. It's use was fazed out due to the "Weapons that are effective and made less noise" decree of Fushimi's successor Go-Fushimi.

0:37 - Overhead Tambourine Antics/I Just Realized "Gonzo" is in the Video Title

Apologies if that title got some of your hopes up, residents of Northside.

Here's where it gets real. He never loses intensity during this performance. Not once. There IS a sense of euphoria on Captain Tambourine's face as he performs the Overhead-Rainbow-Tambourine-Roll to absolute perfection. Few people know, but the only other person to pull of the move with such grace was Frank Dux in the 1972 Kumite. They left that scene out of Bloodsport because Van Damme didn't want to disrespect the instrument.

From 0:37 through 0:54 - All of N*Sync Can Suck It

I'd like to see them pull this off. Timberlake has nothing on Captain Tambourine's fluidity of movement. This guy doesn't have to fight, he just seduces the would-be mugger with his sensuality and moves like Jagger and/or a flag-person.

0:59 - Illusions, Michael.

None of this can be real. I want this man tested for PEDs, especially after the mystical "Horizontal Tambourine Roll of Intimidation" that can be seen at this point in the video. I imagine Bruce Lee doing this after vanquishing the entire compound in "Enter the Dragon," but then I realize that's probably what stopped his heart.

1:09 - Looks like we're...tambourine for a long night. YEAAAAAAOOOWWWWWWWWWW

The removal of the glasses. As if to say, "look into my soul, if you dare. It will tear you down only to rebuild you into a bigger, stronger person." It's only here that I've noticed the bowtie, a homage to Dr. Loftin I'm sure. Cuppy, can you please make this into an animated gif with the good Doctor's face superimposed? Maybe put Manziel on guitar? I don't know, that's your realm.

1:10 - The Newest Touchdown Celebration to Sweep the Nation

Look for high schoolers to emulate this maneuver across the nation this coming fall after scoring a TD. There is nothing better than the violent tambourine fist-pump.

1:15 - Bask in Awesomeness, Receive the Gift of Enlightenment

I have no idea what to add here. The pose at the end reflects a feeling of achievement that I've yet to attain. I can't wait until I'm at a point in life where I feel THIS good about something I've done. It's certainly not going to happen after writing this, I'm sure.

There's your Wildcard for the week. I'm sorry that it had to happen on a Thursday, but computer issues had me in a full-nelson for the last few days. Tune in next week for some music. I've got a backlog of good submissions that I want to share with the fine readership of GBH. Until then.

Let's hold hands sometime soon? OK, maybe next time?